My my, what a lot of overbearingly depressing feelings I had in the last post. It's really surprising indeed, about the amount of emotional pain I went through because of a dying friendship. The pain, tears and grief weren't worth it, but I wonder what made me cling on to that last shred of hope before finally giving in and letting go.
Was it sheer stubborness and the fighting spirit in me who simply refuses to let go and admit defeat? Was it Pride who told me to hold on so as not to lose face? Was is the fear of being alone and miserable while everyone including her had a best friend or closest friend to lean on to? Was it Loyalty who made me feel that there was still something left between us that could be salvaged? Was it my memories of the times we had together that made me hold on? Was it the sheer desperation that made me lose my grip on my emotions as I struggled to repair it?
Whatever it was, I will never know. On the other hand, I might already know, whether or not I'll admit it to myself. Looking back on that, it might be the catalyst that made me do some soul searching. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this who I really am?
Am I a cold, unfeeling and nearly emotionless person? Am I a proud, self-assured and confident person? Am I a person who hides all her true thoughts behind a mask while deluding and deceiving people into thinking what they may think? Am I a happy-go-lucky, open and honest person? Am I a sad, lonely and insecure person? Am I a selfish, possessive and greedy person?
Who am I, I might never really know. The soul searching I did didn't yield much results at all, but I did realise that throughout this whole chapter, I was never really myself. What was I really like, how did I once act, who I really was, I don't remember anymore. In shaping myself into another person just for the sake of pleasing others, I lost a part of myself then and there. Were her opinions so important to me that I would forget myself in trying to be what she wanted me to be?
Perhaps they were, I could spend so much time changing myself, trying to fit in, but I could never completely fit into her world. No matter how much I want to be her most important friend, I will always be the last and the least. There'll always be someone else that she thinks off before me to tell her stories to, there'll always be someone else that she'll go to when she's sad, there'll always be someone else that she'll lean on, and that someone will never be me. She'll never come to me first unless I'm her last resort, it'll always be me going to her like a puppy after its master. She'll never look at me and think of me as anything else but a friend, and only a friend, not like the best friend I wish I could be to her.
I probably sound as though I'm in love with her, which is absolutely laughable in so many ways, but when I think about it, friendship can often be more important and stronger than love alone. I haven't forgotten the last time I chose friendship over love, and look where it landed me. I lost them both. Love because I chose to believe in lies, friendship because it was never true to begin with. I can cry, I can beg, I can scream and shout all I want, but I can never gain back what I had lost. I didn't think that I'd make the same mistake again, but perhaps it was inevitable.
I wish I could have someone there for me, someone that I could trust my secrets with, and trust that she would do the same for me. I wish that I could come in first, I wish that I could speak without fear of losing her friendship and loyalty, I wish that I could be my true self with her. I could wish for so many things, I could wish for a person like that to show up and be mine, someone I could call my bestest and closest friend, but I can only wish.
I thought that I might have found it in her, but I guess she never did find it in me. In many ways, I might have fooled myself with false words that she did. Such was my foolishness in the past, such was my desperation for understanding and belonging. Such was my unfulfilled and unending hope, and never again will it happen.
I have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but I will never allow anyone to come close enough to hurt me so deeply like this again. Like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes, but I will never allow my death to happen again. I thought too highly of you before, and now you're nothing but a regret and a hollow ache in the depths of my freezing heart, and I'll never forget this lesson that I've learnt.
I'll open the doors to my cage and spread my wings, letting the winds guide me as I soar in the sky. I'll untie my blindfold and open my eyes, letting the light of the new day fill me with hope. I'll break off my bindings, and face my challenges head on. I'll turn my face to the wind, and embrace the feel of its presence against my skin. I'll start moving on again, and let the current of life take me to my next destination.
With that, I'll finally close the last chapter to this book of my life.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Can You See Me Now?
I looked around me,
And I noticed something awfully off,
They each have their personal bonds,
And yet I'm always hovering,
Flitting from one group to another,
Never fitting in,
Never belonging.
I take another look around,
Before turning away from the crowd,
Looking for a place to call my own,
Looking for that special friend whom I have not found,
As I silently walk away from them.
Tears of despair, frustration and hurt leaked,
From the corners of my eyes in steady silent streams,
As I sat away from the others,
Trying my best not to look at their interactions,
Yet my eyes betray me,
As my heart cracks all the more at the sight of them.
Once in a while,
One of you will look up from your conversations,
To look for me,
Just to check if I'm there,
And yet you couldn't care less even if I'm not there.
Lost and wandering aimlessly,
I went to my secret world,
Drowning myself in a pool of words,
Just to escape the pain of my reality,
But deep inside,
I know that I'm just running away,
Even just for a short time.
I want to run away again,
Just as I did once before,
But the chains and shackles held me in place,
Harsh, cold, unyielding and unrelenting,
I can do nothing,
But sink to my knees and stare at nothing in particular,
Waiting for the last grain of sand to fall,
Before I take spread my wings,
And fly away again.
As each day passes by,
I see the same things over and over again,
I wish I could be numb to the pain,
But it doesn't stop me from hoping in silent desperation,
That I'll finally find that one person,
Who'll take my hand and accompany me along.
I am nothing but an empty shell,
Devoid of life,
Merely living a deception,
As I act out the role expected of me,
Day to day without fail.
I saw the same scene again today,
As I wore my mask,
And put on another show,
For the entire world to see.
Am I really that good of an actress?
Or did I get away with this just because you didn't care enough to look carefully?
I might never know the answer to this question,
But I wonder if I were to take away your secret dream,
Will you finally look at me?
Maybe there'll come a day,
When I can finally remove my mask,
And take a bow to the applause of my spectators,
But until then,
I will continue to act out my role,
As I wait for the curtain to finally close.
And I noticed something awfully off,
They each have their personal bonds,
And yet I'm always hovering,
Flitting from one group to another,
Never fitting in,
Never belonging.
I take another look around,
Before turning away from the crowd,
Looking for a place to call my own,
Looking for that special friend whom I have not found,
As I silently walk away from them.
Tears of despair, frustration and hurt leaked,
From the corners of my eyes in steady silent streams,
As I sat away from the others,
Trying my best not to look at their interactions,
Yet my eyes betray me,
As my heart cracks all the more at the sight of them.
Once in a while,
One of you will look up from your conversations,
To look for me,
Just to check if I'm there,
And yet you couldn't care less even if I'm not there.
Lost and wandering aimlessly,
I went to my secret world,
Drowning myself in a pool of words,
Just to escape the pain of my reality,
But deep inside,
I know that I'm just running away,
Even just for a short time.
I want to run away again,
Just as I did once before,
But the chains and shackles held me in place,
Harsh, cold, unyielding and unrelenting,
I can do nothing,
But sink to my knees and stare at nothing in particular,
Waiting for the last grain of sand to fall,
Before I take spread my wings,
And fly away again.
As each day passes by,
I see the same things over and over again,
I wish I could be numb to the pain,
But it doesn't stop me from hoping in silent desperation,
That I'll finally find that one person,
Who'll take my hand and accompany me along.
I am nothing but an empty shell,
Devoid of life,
Merely living a deception,
As I act out the role expected of me,
Day to day without fail.
I saw the same scene again today,
As I wore my mask,
And put on another show,
For the entire world to see.
Am I really that good of an actress?
Or did I get away with this just because you didn't care enough to look carefully?
I might never know the answer to this question,
But I wonder if I were to take away your secret dream,
Will you finally look at me?
Maybe there'll come a day,
When I can finally remove my mask,
And take a bow to the applause of my spectators,
But until then,
I will continue to act out my role,
As I wait for the curtain to finally close.
Friday, July 3, 2009
National Service news!
I'm not quite sure on what I should be feeling right now about being chosen for NS. I know that I don't mind going, in fact I can safely say that I'm curious and am somewhat looking forward to it. However, anyone who knows me and my situation will know about my insecurities, not to mention the fact that I've to learn how to shower within 15 minutes, which I probably fail at every time I need to wash my hair.
I love water related activities, but the only drawback is that I've to take off my hearing aids as the risk of getting wet is rather high, so I'll have to get a partner who can understand my condition and is willing to be my messenger if I do want to go kayaking. God forbid that I get my (RM 3500-RM 4000 each) hearings aids damaged all because I had to wear them since I didn't want to miss anything and didn't have anyone to be my ears.
On another note, I screamed and screamed for 10-15 seconds when Adeline called to relay the news that I got in. In fact, she was in her mom's car on the way to tuition with her siblings in it, so they heard me loud and clear. She was also wearing her earphones, so when I started screaming like a banshee out of hell, she ripped of her earphones and threw them down.
Perhaps I should have screamed louder? Anyway, I also said somethings along the lines of "Why God, why?!" and "I can see my life flashing before my eyes". Dramatic isn't it? Unfortunately, drama doesn't help in this situation, so it didn't really help.
I also sent another message to enquire about my camp, sad to say I haven't gotten a reply yet. I wonder when I'll get it.
Eugene though, was throwing a tantrum, and I was having a rather good time shooting him down too. A couple of my friends also got in, namely Cheau Yee and Ching Weng, and a few others that I'm not particularly close to. Hey, their names both begin with 'C', well at least after their surnames, I never really did notice.
On another note, I was almost left alone for Literature today, if it wasn't for JC, who offered to keep me company. Thank God for him, I was almost afraid that I would be sitting alone in a row of four tables, it's rather unpleasant. He was an interesting conversationalist, to say the least, and he actually offered to help me enquire about a place in the Add Maths tuition that I was meaning to call up but never got around to doing it.
Adeline will probably sigh and shake her head, before telling me that I better hurry up and call the teacher, because he has already finished Tringonometry or something like that, or was it Redox for Chemistry? Either way, I put it away and promise myself to remember to call, but will end up procrastinating again. Thank God for JC this time, I owe him one, or two, perhaps.
On another note, I'm the first in my mother's and father's side of the family to get into NS, I don't suppose I'll get a farewell party before going there so that I can drink myself drunk? I'll definitely make a beeline for the Baileys, Red Wine and White Wine, though I'll run from Vodka, I could never stand the taste of it, or maybe I should try it again. Who knows, my preference might have changed.
Now, how on earth do I finish bathing in 15 minutes when I'm shampooing my hair?! It doesn't take me long to shampoo and condition my hair, but it's the conditioning part that causes me to take a long time as it's not easy to fully wash it out unless I've a strong water pressure and the water has a large coverage area, if you get what I mean.
Should I get the shampoo that my sis used to use instead? It's shampoo and conditioner combined, and the effects are not bad too, though I still prefer using shampoo and conditioner seperately. Or should I try the unopened bottle of shampoo and conditioner combined that's in my dad's bathroom? It seems like a nice brand, has anyone heard of a brand called Epoch?
I really don't like cutting short my bathroom time, it's like a time for me to just relax and unwind after a long day, and the sound of water is somehow really soothing to me. Don't be surprised if I end up falling asleep in the bathroom, because I'm prone to doing so.
Somehow, I feel so much calmer and serene these last few days, must be the weather. It's been so cool, and even when I was hot I actually managed to keep my cool, so I doubt that it's the weather. Hm, I wonder how it happened, but I hope it lasts.
I have absolutely no idea what to wear to my school's Interact Club's Installation. Should I wear my black long-sleeved turtleneck, white pants and white vest? Or should I wear a beige pants instead? Or should I change the top to a button-up 3/4 sleeves blue shirt with a black sleeveless V-neck with the white or beige pants? I'm really not sure, a little help anyone?! Don't tell me to wear a dress, I've a waist the size of a tree trunk and will look awful in one!
Adeline, help me!!!!!!!! T.T
I love water related activities, but the only drawback is that I've to take off my hearing aids as the risk of getting wet is rather high, so I'll have to get a partner who can understand my condition and is willing to be my messenger if I do want to go kayaking. God forbid that I get my (RM 3500-RM 4000 each) hearings aids damaged all because I had to wear them since I didn't want to miss anything and didn't have anyone to be my ears.
On another note, I screamed and screamed for 10-15 seconds when Adeline called to relay the news that I got in. In fact, she was in her mom's car on the way to tuition with her siblings in it, so they heard me loud and clear. She was also wearing her earphones, so when I started screaming like a banshee out of hell, she ripped of her earphones and threw them down.
Perhaps I should have screamed louder? Anyway, I also said somethings along the lines of "Why God, why?!" and "I can see my life flashing before my eyes". Dramatic isn't it? Unfortunately, drama doesn't help in this situation, so it didn't really help.
I also sent another message to enquire about my camp, sad to say I haven't gotten a reply yet. I wonder when I'll get it.
Eugene though, was throwing a tantrum, and I was having a rather good time shooting him down too. A couple of my friends also got in, namely Cheau Yee and Ching Weng, and a few others that I'm not particularly close to. Hey, their names both begin with 'C', well at least after their surnames, I never really did notice.
On another note, I was almost left alone for Literature today, if it wasn't for JC, who offered to keep me company. Thank God for him, I was almost afraid that I would be sitting alone in a row of four tables, it's rather unpleasant. He was an interesting conversationalist, to say the least, and he actually offered to help me enquire about a place in the Add Maths tuition that I was meaning to call up but never got around to doing it.
Adeline will probably sigh and shake her head, before telling me that I better hurry up and call the teacher, because he has already finished Tringonometry or something like that, or was it Redox for Chemistry? Either way, I put it away and promise myself to remember to call, but will end up procrastinating again. Thank God for JC this time, I owe him one, or two, perhaps.
On another note, I'm the first in my mother's and father's side of the family to get into NS, I don't suppose I'll get a farewell party before going there so that I can drink myself drunk? I'll definitely make a beeline for the Baileys, Red Wine and White Wine, though I'll run from Vodka, I could never stand the taste of it, or maybe I should try it again. Who knows, my preference might have changed.
Now, how on earth do I finish bathing in 15 minutes when I'm shampooing my hair?! It doesn't take me long to shampoo and condition my hair, but it's the conditioning part that causes me to take a long time as it's not easy to fully wash it out unless I've a strong water pressure and the water has a large coverage area, if you get what I mean.
Should I get the shampoo that my sis used to use instead? It's shampoo and conditioner combined, and the effects are not bad too, though I still prefer using shampoo and conditioner seperately. Or should I try the unopened bottle of shampoo and conditioner combined that's in my dad's bathroom? It seems like a nice brand, has anyone heard of a brand called Epoch?
I really don't like cutting short my bathroom time, it's like a time for me to just relax and unwind after a long day, and the sound of water is somehow really soothing to me. Don't be surprised if I end up falling asleep in the bathroom, because I'm prone to doing so.
Somehow, I feel so much calmer and serene these last few days, must be the weather. It's been so cool, and even when I was hot I actually managed to keep my cool, so I doubt that it's the weather. Hm, I wonder how it happened, but I hope it lasts.
I have absolutely no idea what to wear to my school's Interact Club's Installation. Should I wear my black long-sleeved turtleneck, white pants and white vest? Or should I wear a beige pants instead? Or should I change the top to a button-up 3/4 sleeves blue shirt with a black sleeveless V-neck with the white or beige pants? I'm really not sure, a little help anyone?! Don't tell me to wear a dress, I've a waist the size of a tree trunk and will look awful in one!
Adeline, help me!!!!!!!! T.T
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Ice skating rocks!
I just went ice skating two days back, on Sunday, and I muist say I certainly had a lot of fun. While it was somewhat cold and I got blisters on my feet, I enjoyed the cool, crisp wind in my face, as well as the rush of adrenaline coursing through my body.
Not only that, I managed to stay on my feet the whole time I was in the rink. There were many opportunities for me to fall, but it was thanks to sheer luck and balance that I managed to stay on my feet and prevent a potentially embarrassing fall.
Let's see, a guy was speeding and more or less body-slammed me, which hurt, damn it! When he tried to skate away without apologising or anything, I shouted 'Excuse me??!!!' after him, which prompted him to apologize, that still didn't stop me from shooting him a dirty look.
Next, another guy was weaving in between the crowds like I was doing, and he bumped into my left side before swerving into my right, which I might add I also did the same thing, so he ended up grabbing my shoulders before letting go so that I can move away from him and wouldn't end up skating in his half-embrace, which I might add was rather warm.
Thirdly, a pair of girls who didn't even know how to balance on the ice, let alone skate, and were wearing thin and short clothing, which I might add were the worst choices since they would be falling a lot, were doing the 'London Bridge' in front of me and I was speeding myself. They were already wobbly, and there was no doubt that they wouldn't be able to avoid me, and that I wouldn't be able to swerve out of the way in time because there was no space beside them, and at the speed I was going, even if I did try to brake, inertia and momentum would send me crashing either onto the cold hard ice or the rink wall. So I made a split second decision and sped up, skating under their connected arms least they fall and drag me down since their hands were still joined. I must say though, it was really really fun, and the adrenaline rush nearly made me breathless.
At the end of the day, I ended up wondering, am I an idiot?!! Just what in the world possessed me to agree to my mom's suggestion of borrowing her wedges?! They were at least one and a hald inches high and had straps that closed around your feet like a glove, it was agonising trying to walked in them in a dignified way, which I managed until the pain forced me to start limping while I was shopping. Come on, I'm not a newbie skater, and I certainly know how tiringly painful it is to have my feet enclosed in tight skates for 5 hours straight, so why in the world did I not bring my confortable and certainly not-pinchy slippers?!
At the very least, I managed to find a new pair of beach shorts at Oreef, they're really comfortable too. So I managed to fill most of my shopping quota, except that I need a new pair of sandals since my dear sister stepped on my sandal and caused the base to break. In fact, the straps cut into my feet and was seriously uncomfortable! Sigh, I want a new pair of sandals that suits me best, but its so hard to find one that I actually like, and that's cheap.
Not only that, I managed to stay on my feet the whole time I was in the rink. There were many opportunities for me to fall, but it was thanks to sheer luck and balance that I managed to stay on my feet and prevent a potentially embarrassing fall.
Let's see, a guy was speeding and more or less body-slammed me, which hurt, damn it! When he tried to skate away without apologising or anything, I shouted 'Excuse me??!!!' after him, which prompted him to apologize, that still didn't stop me from shooting him a dirty look.
Next, another guy was weaving in between the crowds like I was doing, and he bumped into my left side before swerving into my right, which I might add I also did the same thing, so he ended up grabbing my shoulders before letting go so that I can move away from him and wouldn't end up skating in his half-embrace, which I might add was rather warm.
Thirdly, a pair of girls who didn't even know how to balance on the ice, let alone skate, and were wearing thin and short clothing, which I might add were the worst choices since they would be falling a lot, were doing the 'London Bridge' in front of me and I was speeding myself. They were already wobbly, and there was no doubt that they wouldn't be able to avoid me, and that I wouldn't be able to swerve out of the way in time because there was no space beside them, and at the speed I was going, even if I did try to brake, inertia and momentum would send me crashing either onto the cold hard ice or the rink wall. So I made a split second decision and sped up, skating under their connected arms least they fall and drag me down since their hands were still joined. I must say though, it was really really fun, and the adrenaline rush nearly made me breathless.
At the end of the day, I ended up wondering, am I an idiot?!! Just what in the world possessed me to agree to my mom's suggestion of borrowing her wedges?! They were at least one and a hald inches high and had straps that closed around your feet like a glove, it was agonising trying to walked in them in a dignified way, which I managed until the pain forced me to start limping while I was shopping. Come on, I'm not a newbie skater, and I certainly know how tiringly painful it is to have my feet enclosed in tight skates for 5 hours straight, so why in the world did I not bring my confortable and certainly not-pinchy slippers?!
At the very least, I managed to find a new pair of beach shorts at Oreef, they're really comfortable too. So I managed to fill most of my shopping quota, except that I need a new pair of sandals since my dear sister stepped on my sandal and caused the base to break. In fact, the straps cut into my feet and was seriously uncomfortable! Sigh, I want a new pair of sandals that suits me best, but its so hard to find one that I actually like, and that's cheap.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Just what is wrong with me?!!!
Today actually started off nicely, I went for a movie with a friend of mine and my sis, and went shopping after that.
That's not really the point though. I walked around with my sis for over an hour and yet I only found 2 t-shirts that I actually liked, to make things worse, I was accompanied by the Queen of Grouchiness, a.k.a my sister, who was so disagreeable that shopping became more of a chore than anything else.
She even stepped on my sandal, which cause the strap to nearly come off, which means that I have to buy a new pair, and I couldn't even find one that I really liked! The straps cut into my feet and caused my feet to ache like crazy! I should have just borrowed my mom's wedges when she told me to try them, at least even if they're one and a half inches high, they're really comfortable and my feet wouldn't be screaming in agony!
In fact, I also bought a new hairclip since my old one was breaking into pieces, literally. But somehow, I have no idea what the hell happened to me that caused me to lose it! God freaking damn it!!! It costed me RM6.90, and I suspect that I left it at the cash register as I was putting the change in my wallet. The stupid cashier didn't even bother to chase after me to return it, in fact, it was only until I was in my mom's car on the way home did I realise that I didn't have it with me!
Just what the hell is wrong with me?! It's not like me to be so careless, it seems as though my mind isn't as alert as it was before. I hate this, it's nothing but a pain in the butt! Note to self, never ever go shopping with my sis again, unless I want to exit the mall in a horrible mood and nothing to show for my patience.
That's not really the point though. I walked around with my sis for over an hour and yet I only found 2 t-shirts that I actually liked, to make things worse, I was accompanied by the Queen of Grouchiness, a.k.a my sister, who was so disagreeable that shopping became more of a chore than anything else.
She even stepped on my sandal, which cause the strap to nearly come off, which means that I have to buy a new pair, and I couldn't even find one that I really liked! The straps cut into my feet and caused my feet to ache like crazy! I should have just borrowed my mom's wedges when she told me to try them, at least even if they're one and a half inches high, they're really comfortable and my feet wouldn't be screaming in agony!
In fact, I also bought a new hairclip since my old one was breaking into pieces, literally. But somehow, I have no idea what the hell happened to me that caused me to lose it! God freaking damn it!!! It costed me RM6.90, and I suspect that I left it at the cash register as I was putting the change in my wallet. The stupid cashier didn't even bother to chase after me to return it, in fact, it was only until I was in my mom's car on the way home did I realise that I didn't have it with me!
Just what the hell is wrong with me?! It's not like me to be so careless, it seems as though my mind isn't as alert as it was before. I hate this, it's nothing but a pain in the butt! Note to self, never ever go shopping with my sis again, unless I want to exit the mall in a horrible mood and nothing to show for my patience.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Gah!!!!
Oh for the love of God!!! I am severely !@#$%^&-ly out of shape!!! This is so depressing, I can't believe that I let myself fall that far!!!!
I had a great day, since I went to Adeline's house and finished my project work. Spending time with my friends was a plus point too, though we didn't get to play much since we had to go home early. Anyway, we were playing DDR and my movements got sluggish so quickly, and I actually sweated bullets while on the first game!!!
Gah!!! This is so not fun, I hate being out of shape!!! *Pout*, sigh. I guess I should probably hit the treadmill sometime soon, but it's not fun doing alone!!! T.T I suck, so much for an hourglass shape, I'm becoming more and more like a big fat sausage!!! I feel miserable, this is no fun!!!
*Shriiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* That didn't help at all, *pout*.
I had a great day, since I went to Adeline's house and finished my project work. Spending time with my friends was a plus point too, though we didn't get to play much since we had to go home early. Anyway, we were playing DDR and my movements got sluggish so quickly, and I actually sweated bullets while on the first game!!!
Gah!!! This is so not fun, I hate being out of shape!!! *Pout*, sigh. I guess I should probably hit the treadmill sometime soon, but it's not fun doing alone!!! T.T I suck, so much for an hourglass shape, I'm becoming more and more like a big fat sausage!!! I feel miserable, this is no fun!!!
*Shriiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* That didn't help at all, *pout*.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Oh dear
I am currently somewhat grossed out. My female Golden Retriever just ate a bird, alive. I have no idea how the dog managed to catch the bird, but at the very least there wasn't any part of it left, so it saves my sister and I from having to clean up. On another note, there was no blood, so there's no mess too. Yes, she ate the whole bird, feathers, claws, beak, and bones.
Oh, and it seems that there're a few bird nests in our roof, and she is currently on the hunt for more baby birds. Yes, my female dog ate a baby bird alive, and whole. Boohoo...
Oh, and it seems that there're a few bird nests in our roof, and she is currently on the hunt for more baby birds. Yes, my female dog ate a baby bird alive, and whole. Boohoo...
Yay! Boohoo... Sigh...
I just bought a new comic today! I've been going to the same shop multiple times to find it and I have finally found it today, so you can't imagine how pleased I am about getting it. The comic is the second-last installment to the whole series, which means that I have to wait for at least 4 more months to get the last book.
Either way, the art has improved, somewhat, but I'm not too pleased about the fact that I have to wait again. I'm really bored today, as usual. I've more or less almost mastered a song, which is good of course, but I still have a long way to go if I want to fully memorise the whole score, which I might add that I've already done at least half.
I can't wait to go back to KL, I kinda miss my mom, it's been a while since I've visited her. Then again I also want to borrow my cousin's piano and hog it to myself, go shopping, go to the gym, go swimming, go ice skating and play mahjong, and since I'm going to be there for the whole week, I plan to make use of my time there wisely.
On another note, I'm also going on a somewhat date with an ex-boyfriend of mine, my sister and one of my friends. Well, I'm not quite sure if my friend can make it though, I just hope that she can, I really miss spending time with her. I'm not sure if we can even be called close friends, since we hardly talk to each other, but at least we're still friends. If I'm not wrong, she was one of the first friends I made when I was in Form 1, and I do trust her a lot.
As for my ex, I guess that he can also be considered my friend, though I sort of turn him into my servant since he's too nice to protest. ^^ In case any of you here are wondering, no, I did not fall in love with him, I was not even close to loving him, and I certainly did not make the first move. We're still friends though, and he is infuriatingly polite and gentlemanly, a qualities which are rather hard to find nowadays, sadly.
Either way, I'm just rambling here. There's nothing much to say actually, I'm just really really really bored!!!!!!!!!!! Adeline!!!!!!! I'm bored!!!!!!! I bet that if I had a dollar for every time I complain to you about being bored I'll be filthy rich by now.
Either way, the art has improved, somewhat, but I'm not too pleased about the fact that I have to wait again. I'm really bored today, as usual. I've more or less almost mastered a song, which is good of course, but I still have a long way to go if I want to fully memorise the whole score, which I might add that I've already done at least half.
I can't wait to go back to KL, I kinda miss my mom, it's been a while since I've visited her. Then again I also want to borrow my cousin's piano and hog it to myself, go shopping, go to the gym, go swimming, go ice skating and play mahjong, and since I'm going to be there for the whole week, I plan to make use of my time there wisely.
On another note, I'm also going on a somewhat date with an ex-boyfriend of mine, my sister and one of my friends. Well, I'm not quite sure if my friend can make it though, I just hope that she can, I really miss spending time with her. I'm not sure if we can even be called close friends, since we hardly talk to each other, but at least we're still friends. If I'm not wrong, she was one of the first friends I made when I was in Form 1, and I do trust her a lot.
As for my ex, I guess that he can also be considered my friend, though I sort of turn him into my servant since he's too nice to protest. ^^ In case any of you here are wondering, no, I did not fall in love with him, I was not even close to loving him, and I certainly did not make the first move. We're still friends though, and he is infuriatingly polite and gentlemanly, a qualities which are rather hard to find nowadays, sadly.
Either way, I'm just rambling here. There's nothing much to say actually, I'm just really really really bored!!!!!!!!!!! Adeline!!!!!!! I'm bored!!!!!!! I bet that if I had a dollar for every time I complain to you about being bored I'll be filthy rich by now.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
A Rather Fun Morning
Today was quite a fun day, despite having to go to school. We walked all the way to Tanjung today just for breakfast, but despite that it was still relaxing and I got to spend time with my closest friends. We also wanted to do our Add Maths project while we were there, but sadly, there was only one circular object that we could find.
Either way, we had some fried er... I'm not quite sure what's the term for it, shared a bowl of ABC between the 3 of us and ordered an apple juice respectively, which I might add was rather watery. We actually ordered another rojak, but were too full, and thank God that the stall owner had either accidentally or purposely forgotten our order. Now that I think of it, since we're such gluttons, how much space will we have in our stomachs when at the 'Glutton Street'?
Today was also surprising in a sense that only 3 of us from our class went to school for Biology tuition, yes I'm serious, 3 out of a class of 28. On the bright side, we learnt more than we ever would from the teacher with the whole class present since we had 1-on-3 time with the teacher.
By the way, is it really a long distance from our school to Tanjung? It was breezy, cool and just nice for a walk, add the fact that I was with my friends, so it was definitely enjoyable. This is just a very bland blog entry that I'm typing for the sake of typing, and I'm bored!!!!!!!!
Either way, we had some fried er... I'm not quite sure what's the term for it, shared a bowl of ABC between the 3 of us and ordered an apple juice respectively, which I might add was rather watery. We actually ordered another rojak, but were too full, and thank God that the stall owner had either accidentally or purposely forgotten our order. Now that I think of it, since we're such gluttons, how much space will we have in our stomachs when at the 'Glutton Street'?
Today was also surprising in a sense that only 3 of us from our class went to school for Biology tuition, yes I'm serious, 3 out of a class of 28. On the bright side, we learnt more than we ever would from the teacher with the whole class present since we had 1-on-3 time with the teacher.
By the way, is it really a long distance from our school to Tanjung? It was breezy, cool and just nice for a walk, add the fact that I was with my friends, so it was definitely enjoyable. This is just a very bland blog entry that I'm typing for the sake of typing, and I'm bored!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Examination Relief!
Exams are finally over, well at least the mid-term ones. Unfortunately, there's a rumour going around that there might be a 'pop-exam' coming around July, oh bloody friggin' joy! Exams are nothing but a pain in the butt and neck, literally, from sitting too long and bending your head over the damned book!
Either way, I am not really happy about how things turned out today. I suppose that there was a better way to handle things, but sometimes it gets too much. Doesn't matter anymore, I've the whole two weeks of holiday to have fun and simply unwind, not to mention the fact that I'm going to be spending some time with my close friends. Yes, I do have friends, even if I don't have a lot.
I'm contented with the friends I have, and at the very least, all my friends are dependable and I can trust them not to betray me, unlike some mistakes I've made in the past. I would rather have a few but close friends who will not betray me rather than have a pack of back-stabbing bitches and bastards who claim to be my 'friends'. If I do have this problem, then a purge is the easiest way to deal with this. I've done it before, and I'm not afraid to do it again.
Hmm, my itinerary should include going ice-skating, playing a few rounds of mah-jong, mastering a piano piece or two, sleeping, going to the gym, go swimming, playing badminton, and basically, having fun. I'm still internally debating on whether or not I should go for HSM's talent time, I don't particularly feel inclined to go, and the only reason as to why I'm considering this is because Adeline wants to go. Anyway, at the rate things are going, I doubt that I'll be going.
I'm feel terrible lately, I'm not sleeping peacefully, and I almost always end up waking up feeling disorientated and empty. I never feel like that when I wake up, I almost always wake up alert and ready to go, so this is a rather unpleasant experience. Not to mention that my back feels rather sore when I curl up on my side, and my shoulders feel stiff and simply uncomfortable.
Perhaps it was just the exam blues, it had better be. Since the exams are over, I should be going back to normal now. I'm really bored though, there's nothing to realy entertain me here, and I'm bored!!!! This sucks!!! Adeline, I'm bored!!!!!!!! Can't I go to your house for some DDR soon?!! My disk is still with you, and I miss it!
Either way, I am not really happy about how things turned out today. I suppose that there was a better way to handle things, but sometimes it gets too much. Doesn't matter anymore, I've the whole two weeks of holiday to have fun and simply unwind, not to mention the fact that I'm going to be spending some time with my close friends. Yes, I do have friends, even if I don't have a lot.
I'm contented with the friends I have, and at the very least, all my friends are dependable and I can trust them not to betray me, unlike some mistakes I've made in the past. I would rather have a few but close friends who will not betray me rather than have a pack of back-stabbing bitches and bastards who claim to be my 'friends'. If I do have this problem, then a purge is the easiest way to deal with this. I've done it before, and I'm not afraid to do it again.
Hmm, my itinerary should include going ice-skating, playing a few rounds of mah-jong, mastering a piano piece or two, sleeping, going to the gym, go swimming, playing badminton, and basically, having fun. I'm still internally debating on whether or not I should go for HSM's talent time, I don't particularly feel inclined to go, and the only reason as to why I'm considering this is because Adeline wants to go. Anyway, at the rate things are going, I doubt that I'll be going.
I'm feel terrible lately, I'm not sleeping peacefully, and I almost always end up waking up feeling disorientated and empty. I never feel like that when I wake up, I almost always wake up alert and ready to go, so this is a rather unpleasant experience. Not to mention that my back feels rather sore when I curl up on my side, and my shoulders feel stiff and simply uncomfortable.
Perhaps it was just the exam blues, it had better be. Since the exams are over, I should be going back to normal now. I'm really bored though, there's nothing to realy entertain me here, and I'm bored!!!! This sucks!!! Adeline, I'm bored!!!!!!!! Can't I go to your house for some DDR soon?!! My disk is still with you, and I miss it!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wrong
Something is going wrong in my life right now, it's being thrown off kilter. I"m not sure why, but I've been getting strange vibes, been acting strangely myself, and am suffering from disturbingly dreamless sleeps.
One thing for sure, friendship is over-rated right now. I'm highly suspicious on who to trust and who not to trust, and I can't trust my instincts because I'm not being myself. Once I review over things, I realise that some of the bonds I treasure aren't really solid at all. They're just there to help me get through the year, and after that it'll disintegrate to nothingness. It also came upon me that those bonds that I have, well they seem superficial.
While it seems that there's nothing wrong on the outside, my emotions are really on an odd swing. I've been getting mood swings, snapping at Adeline, well it's partly her fault and I couldn't care less but still it feels odd for some reason as I don't do it without a good reason. It's as though someone has taken over me, my soul and my mind.
Not to mention the fact that another friend has just told me about her suspicions about another friend and I'm not sure what to think. Adeline, if you're going to tell me not to think too much I'll grab a pie and drop it on your face when you're asleep.
Firstly, I'm being mean, deliberately. While I am like that at times, it strikes me as odd. I can't pinpoint it, but it's just odd. Unfortunately, Adeline has been bearing the brunt of my frustrations. I have no idea how to interact with her anymore, and I certainly do not want to come across as a fool. Well I'll let her decide for me on what to do, and then I'll take it from there if I like it.
Either way, I wish that I could read minds, it'll help in so many ways. I seem to be dishing out a hell lot of apologies ever since I met that idiot, and I do not like it!
One thing for sure, friendship is over-rated right now. I'm highly suspicious on who to trust and who not to trust, and I can't trust my instincts because I'm not being myself. Once I review over things, I realise that some of the bonds I treasure aren't really solid at all. They're just there to help me get through the year, and after that it'll disintegrate to nothingness. It also came upon me that those bonds that I have, well they seem superficial.
While it seems that there's nothing wrong on the outside, my emotions are really on an odd swing. I've been getting mood swings, snapping at Adeline, well it's partly her fault and I couldn't care less but still it feels odd for some reason as I don't do it without a good reason. It's as though someone has taken over me, my soul and my mind.
Not to mention the fact that another friend has just told me about her suspicions about another friend and I'm not sure what to think. Adeline, if you're going to tell me not to think too much I'll grab a pie and drop it on your face when you're asleep.
Firstly, I'm being mean, deliberately. While I am like that at times, it strikes me as odd. I can't pinpoint it, but it's just odd. Unfortunately, Adeline has been bearing the brunt of my frustrations. I have no idea how to interact with her anymore, and I certainly do not want to come across as a fool. Well I'll let her decide for me on what to do, and then I'll take it from there if I like it.
Either way, I wish that I could read minds, it'll help in so many ways. I seem to be dishing out a hell lot of apologies ever since I met that idiot, and I do not like it!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Screw Cooking!!!
I swear that some God out there was playing with me when I was in the kitchen preparing dinner (spaghetti) for my siblings and myself as dinner, maybe even a poltergeist.
I had prepared everything to get started and when I tried to open the pasta jar it slipped out of my hand and crashed into the stone kitchen counter. It was made of glass and was full damn it!!! What a waste, and what a pain in the butt!!!
The sauce and glass splattered all over the place! The kitchen counter, the floor, the sink, the stove, you name it! It even splattered over me! I got a few cuts from the glass shards but thankfully none were deep, though they were bleeding slightly and I got blood on my shirt as well without realising it. I ended up wailing for help from my sister and we managed to clean up the mess.
Then I started cooking at last. Of all the things to happen, I had to get scalded. While the damage was minimal since it centered mostly on my fingers, the water was boiling when it splashed on me! Sigh, so I went to rinse my hand with cold water.
To my dismay, there was no cold water in the kitchen tap from some reason I do not know. I couldn't go to the bathroom because I had to watch the stove, so I ended up rinsing my hand with warm to hot water. Damn the cuts stung, so did the scalds. I have 2 cuts on my left and right wrists respectively, as well as a hole made by a stupid shard of glass on my right palm. My left middle finger was scalded and so was my right palm. In conclusion, this was not my day.
Sigh, to add to my irritation I had to wash up after cooking because we didn't have a maid. Soap is painful once it comes into contact with wounds, remind me to keep that in mind when I wash up because I forgot about it. Another piece of annoyance was that a boy younger than me by a year had the gall to insult me. He actually said, "You actually know what a kitchen is? Are you safe? Don't attempt to cook again or the headlines will say "Kitchen kills Girl". I hope that you'll find a chef as a husband.". How rude, I promptly gave him a piece of my mind, at least he apologised.
Despite how I act, I actually know how to cook! Well, given my past it's not a surprise. Is it that hard to believe that I can actually cook a decent meal? Or should I specially cook a meal and 'accidentally' add poison into it before serving it? I've done it enough to actually what goes and what doesn't, so don't ever dare insult me like that!
Anyway, at the end of the day I had a friend who insulted me, another who took charge and told me what to do with my wounds, a friend who didn't seem to really care, and a friend who cared but on a lesser scale. Frankly, I could really do with a good cold bath or a dip in the pool.
I had prepared everything to get started and when I tried to open the pasta jar it slipped out of my hand and crashed into the stone kitchen counter. It was made of glass and was full damn it!!! What a waste, and what a pain in the butt!!!
The sauce and glass splattered all over the place! The kitchen counter, the floor, the sink, the stove, you name it! It even splattered over me! I got a few cuts from the glass shards but thankfully none were deep, though they were bleeding slightly and I got blood on my shirt as well without realising it. I ended up wailing for help from my sister and we managed to clean up the mess.
Then I started cooking at last. Of all the things to happen, I had to get scalded. While the damage was minimal since it centered mostly on my fingers, the water was boiling when it splashed on me! Sigh, so I went to rinse my hand with cold water.
To my dismay, there was no cold water in the kitchen tap from some reason I do not know. I couldn't go to the bathroom because I had to watch the stove, so I ended up rinsing my hand with warm to hot water. Damn the cuts stung, so did the scalds. I have 2 cuts on my left and right wrists respectively, as well as a hole made by a stupid shard of glass on my right palm. My left middle finger was scalded and so was my right palm. In conclusion, this was not my day.
Sigh, to add to my irritation I had to wash up after cooking because we didn't have a maid. Soap is painful once it comes into contact with wounds, remind me to keep that in mind when I wash up because I forgot about it. Another piece of annoyance was that a boy younger than me by a year had the gall to insult me. He actually said, "You actually know what a kitchen is? Are you safe? Don't attempt to cook again or the headlines will say "Kitchen kills Girl". I hope that you'll find a chef as a husband.". How rude, I promptly gave him a piece of my mind, at least he apologised.
Despite how I act, I actually know how to cook! Well, given my past it's not a surprise. Is it that hard to believe that I can actually cook a decent meal? Or should I specially cook a meal and 'accidentally' add poison into it before serving it? I've done it enough to actually what goes and what doesn't, so don't ever dare insult me like that!
Anyway, at the end of the day I had a friend who insulted me, another who took charge and told me what to do with my wounds, a friend who didn't seem to really care, and a friend who cared but on a lesser scale. Frankly, I could really do with a good cold bath or a dip in the pool.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I'm back
Sigh, I'm really reluctant to come back to Muar after spending such a fun and relaxing time in KL with my mother and my favorite extended family. I spent Friday and most of my Saturday with my mother, and had a relaxing day with her. On the later part of Saturday and half on Sunday I spent it with my favourite relatives.
It was really a fun day, I learnt how to play Mahjong at long last. It was quite fun since I managed to win twice in a row at first before losing to my aunt. Then I won 4 games in a row, to my sister and aunt's chagrin. Lol, winning is fun, but having fun is a better thing.
It was really a fun day, I learnt how to play Mahjong at long last. It was quite fun since I managed to win twice in a row at first before losing to my aunt. Then I won 4 games in a row, to my sister and aunt's chagrin. Lol, winning is fun, but having fun is a better thing.
Guilt and Smugness
I'm feeling way odd now. I just broke the news about my brother's actions to my father in front of my cousins and my cousin's girlfriend. He didn't take it really well, and my stupid sister tried to make things worse by adding in an old incident.
He looked really... I can't explain... when I told him that my mother told me to tell him that it was called Domestic Violence. All I know that he must feel terrible that I would tell my mother but not him. Sigh, my stupid sis just had to rub salt in his wounds by adding that he was never around anyway.
This is troublesome, I feel guilty for making my father feel that way, though it was long overdue, but I also feel smug that my stupid brother is finally going to face the music for his actions.
On another note, my cousin's girlfriend helped me to massage the bruise on my left arm using a somewhat smelly herb mixture for bruises. It hurt a little at first, but I got used to it soon enough. It doens't look too bad, though it feels like there's a straining sensation in my muscle. At least it'll go away soon because it's starting to interfere with my daily activities. Imagine having to take extra care of you dominant arm because you injured it, sometimes you'll actually forget that you have an injury there and regret it later when you do something to aggravate it.
Sigh, I totally missed my other cousin's daughter's full moon party. My mother took a long time in getting ready, causing us to leave her condominium around 20-30 minutes late, and then we took 30 minutes to reach my grandmother's house. I'm not sure how long we took for dinner, but all I remember about it was that it was too salty and too sweet. After we sent my grandmother home, my mother got lost on the way to my cousin's condominium and had to call up for directions. All in all, instead of arriving at the party, I arrived after the party. Sigh, it's a little disappointing though, having to miss it because I was looking forward to it.
My mother on the other hand, was late for her ballroom dancing session by at least 45 minutes. I think it's safe to say that she's bad with time as well as with directions. I'm thinking of investing in a GPS system for her birthday/Christmas present, it'll definitely come in handy.
On another note, my hearing dropped again. It seems that if it drops any lower, I'll have to change my hearing aid to a bigger version, and I"m not happy about it because it's quite close to dropping over the required boundary for the current one I have now. I'm really worried about this, because the cells in my ear cannot regenerate, and if they can't regenerate then my hearing loss is permanent until a genius scientist has found a way to regenerate the dead cells in the human ear.
He looked really... I can't explain... when I told him that my mother told me to tell him that it was called Domestic Violence. All I know that he must feel terrible that I would tell my mother but not him. Sigh, my stupid sis just had to rub salt in his wounds by adding that he was never around anyway.
This is troublesome, I feel guilty for making my father feel that way, though it was long overdue, but I also feel smug that my stupid brother is finally going to face the music for his actions.
On another note, my cousin's girlfriend helped me to massage the bruise on my left arm using a somewhat smelly herb mixture for bruises. It hurt a little at first, but I got used to it soon enough. It doens't look too bad, though it feels like there's a straining sensation in my muscle. At least it'll go away soon because it's starting to interfere with my daily activities. Imagine having to take extra care of you dominant arm because you injured it, sometimes you'll actually forget that you have an injury there and regret it later when you do something to aggravate it.
Sigh, I totally missed my other cousin's daughter's full moon party. My mother took a long time in getting ready, causing us to leave her condominium around 20-30 minutes late, and then we took 30 minutes to reach my grandmother's house. I'm not sure how long we took for dinner, but all I remember about it was that it was too salty and too sweet. After we sent my grandmother home, my mother got lost on the way to my cousin's condominium and had to call up for directions. All in all, instead of arriving at the party, I arrived after the party. Sigh, it's a little disappointing though, having to miss it because I was looking forward to it.
My mother on the other hand, was late for her ballroom dancing session by at least 45 minutes. I think it's safe to say that she's bad with time as well as with directions. I'm thinking of investing in a GPS system for her birthday/Christmas present, it'll definitely come in handy.
On another note, my hearing dropped again. It seems that if it drops any lower, I'll have to change my hearing aid to a bigger version, and I"m not happy about it because it's quite close to dropping over the required boundary for the current one I have now. I'm really worried about this, because the cells in my ear cannot regenerate, and if they can't regenerate then my hearing loss is permanent until a genius scientist has found a way to regenerate the dead cells in the human ear.
Friday, April 17, 2009
This sucks!
Getting beaten up with no chance to defend yourself is no fun at all. I just did a through check up of my injuries and found out that there was more. I probably sprained a muscle or two in my neck from trying to get away from the bastard and managed to bruise my thighs as well, oh joy.
I'm not too sure if I sprained my neck muscles but all I know is that there's a painful bump where the muscles are. I haven't even told my father yet about this, not sure if I should. What more, tomorrow I'm going to be wearing a shirt that will not have long enough sleeves to cover my bruise on my left arm, what am I going to say when someone asks about it?
Should I lie to save myself and indirectly, the bastard, from capital punishment; or should I tell the truth and see where things go from there? I'm still not sure, but my mother is forcing me to tell the truth, else she would do it herself.
On another note, I'm happy to conclude that I'm not in love with anyone, or have a crush on anyone, mainly 'someone'. I find it interesting to twist and play with emotions and see where it'll lead, and I've also managed to drag a couple of others into the game. Unfortunately, this game is getting boring, so I've got to find another game to amuse myself with least I cause some damage.
It's funny how I can delude myself and others as well into thinking that I'm 'in love' or have a 'crush' on someone, then again illusions are rather easy to conjure as long as you act well enough. I can't say that I got anything out of it though, which makes it even more boring. Sigh, leading a rigmarole is boring! Then again it lets me see things from a different perspective, so it's a neutral settlement.
I'm in KL now, and tomorrow I'll be going to my hearing aid provider to do a few tests to determine if my hearing has worsen, which I suspect it has. I really don't want my hearing to worsen, it's one of my biggest fears. I can't imagine having to go through life wearing a hearing aid everyday and still missing out on some words because I can't catch them.
I'm not too sure if I sprained my neck muscles but all I know is that there's a painful bump where the muscles are. I haven't even told my father yet about this, not sure if I should. What more, tomorrow I'm going to be wearing a shirt that will not have long enough sleeves to cover my bruise on my left arm, what am I going to say when someone asks about it?
Should I lie to save myself and indirectly, the bastard, from capital punishment; or should I tell the truth and see where things go from there? I'm still not sure, but my mother is forcing me to tell the truth, else she would do it herself.
On another note, I'm happy to conclude that I'm not in love with anyone, or have a crush on anyone, mainly 'someone'. I find it interesting to twist and play with emotions and see where it'll lead, and I've also managed to drag a couple of others into the game. Unfortunately, this game is getting boring, so I've got to find another game to amuse myself with least I cause some damage.
It's funny how I can delude myself and others as well into thinking that I'm 'in love' or have a 'crush' on someone, then again illusions are rather easy to conjure as long as you act well enough. I can't say that I got anything out of it though, which makes it even more boring. Sigh, leading a rigmarole is boring! Then again it lets me see things from a different perspective, so it's a neutral settlement.
I'm in KL now, and tomorrow I'll be going to my hearing aid provider to do a few tests to determine if my hearing has worsen, which I suspect it has. I really don't want my hearing to worsen, it's one of my biggest fears. I can't imagine having to go through life wearing a hearing aid everyday and still missing out on some words because I can't catch them.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Chocolate!
Chocolate is sweet,
Chocolate is great,
Chocolate makes my world go round,
Yay chocolate!!!
I love chocolate! Love it! Belgian chocolate is nice, especially when it's all mine! I just shared a whole box of chocolate with hazelnuts with my sis and I loved it! It's so smooth, rich and simply just melts in your mouth. Sigh, it's so heavenly! It's a perfect blend of milk and dark chocolate and definitely the perfect pick me up after a bad day too!
I'm definitely giving it a 100/10!!! Actually, I seem to have an afinity for chocolates made in Germany, don't know why, but I seriously hope that my father will go to the airport again and bring back a whole stack of it just for me!
I just called Adeline a few minutes ago, and it seems that she's in the operating theater. I just hope that she's alright. Despite how displeased I am with her, I would never wish for ill to come upon her. I wonder how long she has to stay in the hospital for, hopefully it won't take too long, because her KK Moral is way overdue already. Worse come to worse I'll pass it up for her myself if needed be.
I can't take it anymore!
God damn it! I really hate him! How could he do this to me?! He actually attacked me even though all that I did was to throw insults that were true!
He slapped me, and when I tried to defend myself with words he attacked me. He fucking attacked me! He grabbed me from behind and started punching my head multiple times, then he pulled my hair repeatedly as well before trying to slam me into the wall head first. When I managed to push him off and onto a couch on his back, he kicked me in the stomach multiple times before trying to punch my head again.
As for my resulting injuries, he left a bruise right beside my left eye, and damn it hurts when I prodded it. My tears are flowing like a river for reasons I can't comprehend, my nose is blocked and I can barely breath properly. My right middle finger is tender at the nail part, I probably got it in trying to defend myself.
My uniform sleeve is ripped, and the material is quite strong in actuality, so the fact that my sleeve actually ripped says quite a lot on what he could have done to me. That's not all, when he pulled at my sleeve, I was pulling at the opposite direction, trying to yank my arm out of his grip. Guess what? That actually caused the sleeve to bunch up at one area and bruise my arm. The bruise is on the underside of my upper arm and is going diagonally upwards, it also measures around 1-1.5 cm in width and around 7-8 cm in length.
I'm pissed off at him, pissed off at myself, and pissed off at my parents. Him because he wants me to respect him when he doesn't respect me, for attacking me even when he knows that my words were true. Myself for being unable to defend myself and for being unable to control my emotions. My parents for producing him in the first place and more specifically my father for taking his side even when he doesn't know just what is going on in his house.
This actually started with my 'dear' (Note the italics and aprostophy) father telling me off in front of that bastard about not respecting the bastard. His exact words were "I will not respect you if you don't learn to respect others. Just who do you think you are ... blah blah and blah." The bastard had the gall to throw the words back in my face and insult me by calling me a bitch the whole evening long. What do you expect me to do? Turn a blind eye to those insults? No bloody way. Of course I retaliated, but nothing much happened besides insults yesterday.
Today on the other hand, his one track mind decided, "Oh, lets take a field trip and show the house how strong we are by beating Charmaine up to teach her a lesson on how to respect those stronger than you!" Bull shit! The only thing that it proved was that he only knows how to 'solve' problems with his fist, and not with his mind. Now that I think of it, he punches like a kitten. Granted that I have a higher pain treshold than average, but I would still have felt the sting of a real punch. I felt more pressure than pain, which says something.
So if I'm not crying because of the pain, then why am I crying? Why am I screaming myself hoarse in order to just release something stuck in me?
Granted, I had a somewhat bad day since I had no choice to hand in my project work without completing it because Adeline once again failed to pass me the last items I need to complete it. God knows what's going on in that girl's head to keep making her forget that she has a duty to her friends after promising to do something for them. So far, she has broken quite a few of them. While I can't remember all of it, all I know is that I'm really disappointed in her.
Every time I decide to trust her, she turns around and throws it back in my face after carrying it around. Granted that it doesn't happen frequently, but the times she chose to do so really carried out serious consequences. Only God knows why I still continued to trust her after all those times, though I suspect that I'm already taking measures to ensure that this will never happen again. While I don't hate her and will try to be there when she needs me to, right now she has to re-earn my trust again.
Anyway, back to the subject. I called another friend of mine a few times but he didn't answer my call. Then I sent an sms practically begging him to please just answer his phone because I needed to speak to him, at that point I was going hysterical. Oh joy, hysterics are what I hate most, and yet there was nothing to stop me from going into it. When he called me back after finding his phone under the drawer (he places his phone on silent mode all the time, that idiot), the only thing holding me back broke and I went straight to hysterics. While I did try to control myself, it was dismaying enough that I would sink so low as to need comfort from another.
I really did annoy him, but what could I do? All my other friends were preoccupied, and I couldn't trust anyone else. Either way, I really can't keep depending on him anymore. I'm really tired of depending on him for help emotionally, so I guess that it's time to wear another mask. I'm sure that it'll be easy enough for me, but facades are terribly hard to pull of once you've placed them to rest. The stupid idiot broke it, and for that he'll pay. I guess annoying him is good enough for payback, but play time is over, and I will not make the same mistake twice.
He slapped me, and when I tried to defend myself with words he attacked me. He fucking attacked me! He grabbed me from behind and started punching my head multiple times, then he pulled my hair repeatedly as well before trying to slam me into the wall head first. When I managed to push him off and onto a couch on his back, he kicked me in the stomach multiple times before trying to punch my head again.
As for my resulting injuries, he left a bruise right beside my left eye, and damn it hurts when I prodded it. My tears are flowing like a river for reasons I can't comprehend, my nose is blocked and I can barely breath properly. My right middle finger is tender at the nail part, I probably got it in trying to defend myself.
My uniform sleeve is ripped, and the material is quite strong in actuality, so the fact that my sleeve actually ripped says quite a lot on what he could have done to me. That's not all, when he pulled at my sleeve, I was pulling at the opposite direction, trying to yank my arm out of his grip. Guess what? That actually caused the sleeve to bunch up at one area and bruise my arm. The bruise is on the underside of my upper arm and is going diagonally upwards, it also measures around 1-1.5 cm in width and around 7-8 cm in length.
I'm pissed off at him, pissed off at myself, and pissed off at my parents. Him because he wants me to respect him when he doesn't respect me, for attacking me even when he knows that my words were true. Myself for being unable to defend myself and for being unable to control my emotions. My parents for producing him in the first place and more specifically my father for taking his side even when he doesn't know just what is going on in his house.
This actually started with my 'dear' (Note the italics and aprostophy) father telling me off in front of that bastard about not respecting the bastard. His exact words were "I will not respect you if you don't learn to respect others. Just who do you think you are ... blah blah and blah." The bastard had the gall to throw the words back in my face and insult me by calling me a bitch the whole evening long. What do you expect me to do? Turn a blind eye to those insults? No bloody way. Of course I retaliated, but nothing much happened besides insults yesterday.
Today on the other hand, his one track mind decided, "Oh, lets take a field trip and show the house how strong we are by beating Charmaine up to teach her a lesson on how to respect those stronger than you!" Bull shit! The only thing that it proved was that he only knows how to 'solve' problems with his fist, and not with his mind. Now that I think of it, he punches like a kitten. Granted that I have a higher pain treshold than average, but I would still have felt the sting of a real punch. I felt more pressure than pain, which says something.
So if I'm not crying because of the pain, then why am I crying? Why am I screaming myself hoarse in order to just release something stuck in me?
Granted, I had a somewhat bad day since I had no choice to hand in my project work without completing it because Adeline once again failed to pass me the last items I need to complete it. God knows what's going on in that girl's head to keep making her forget that she has a duty to her friends after promising to do something for them. So far, she has broken quite a few of them. While I can't remember all of it, all I know is that I'm really disappointed in her.
Every time I decide to trust her, she turns around and throws it back in my face after carrying it around. Granted that it doesn't happen frequently, but the times she chose to do so really carried out serious consequences. Only God knows why I still continued to trust her after all those times, though I suspect that I'm already taking measures to ensure that this will never happen again. While I don't hate her and will try to be there when she needs me to, right now she has to re-earn my trust again.
Anyway, back to the subject. I called another friend of mine a few times but he didn't answer my call. Then I sent an sms practically begging him to please just answer his phone because I needed to speak to him, at that point I was going hysterical. Oh joy, hysterics are what I hate most, and yet there was nothing to stop me from going into it. When he called me back after finding his phone under the drawer (he places his phone on silent mode all the time, that idiot), the only thing holding me back broke and I went straight to hysterics. While I did try to control myself, it was dismaying enough that I would sink so low as to need comfort from another.
I really did annoy him, but what could I do? All my other friends were preoccupied, and I couldn't trust anyone else. Either way, I really can't keep depending on him anymore. I'm really tired of depending on him for help emotionally, so I guess that it's time to wear another mask. I'm sure that it'll be easy enough for me, but facades are terribly hard to pull of once you've placed them to rest. The stupid idiot broke it, and for that he'll pay. I guess annoying him is good enough for payback, but play time is over, and I will not make the same mistake twice.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Drama: My Pride and Joy, and yet also one of my biggest Disappointments
It's a little overdue for me to be writing about something that has passed around 8 days ago, though I feel that if I write this down, maybe I'll be able to sleep peacefully at night without getting nightmares.
The drama competition had passed so quickly, and the fact that I lost in something that I placed so much of myself in really made my world spin off kilter. When I heard the results, the first thing in my mind was silence. I couldn't think of anything, I felt so numb and cold, and the only thing I could do was to pull a semblance of a facade together and remind myself and Adeline to clap for those who won as a show of good sportsmanship.
After that, I still had to hold on to it so that I could get my affairs into order. First was my team, and second were the well-wishers from the other schools. Two of my girls ended up crying and part of me was thankful, because it gave me something other than my splintering emotions to concentrate on.
I actually had to summon nearly all that was left of my strength just to plaster on a fake smile on my face, which was something I did regularly and effortlessly on regular days, when a few of our competitors from HSM came up to Adeline and I to congratulate us. They were trying to reassure us with words that we actually did deserve to win, and that our act was the best, even if our props were so disorganised.
What could I do? I couldn't let my face melt into a scowl or an expressionless mask that I would use ever so often to hide my emotions, they were trying t0 cheer us up, so I could only smile and thank them for trying to cheer us up. I guess I was also thankful for them because it gave me another excuse to concentrate on something else.
After we went back to the school's hostel hall, I gave the girls some time off to recompose themselves and make themselves comfortable before I told them the reasons as to why we lost. Then I had to hold a short Cha Cha session and a dance off to let them unwind after hearing the reasons when all I wanted was for the day to end. Unfortunately, I still had my duty to them as the director to pull everything together, so I summoned another facade and acted again.
After school, I met a couple of my friends and told them the news. When I was getting to the reasons, something in me just broke, to say the least. Tears started leaking from my eyes and it was all that I could do to stop myself from sobbing in front of my friends, the other students, the students' parents, and my own father. I really wish that I had a sign saying "Leave me alone for a few minutes so that I can recompose myself!!!" because I almost managed to pull myself together.
Unfortunately, my father chose the wrong time to have a protective streak, because he immediately came to me and asked what was going on. When my friends couldn't answer him because they didn't know who he was, and I couldn't answer him because I was desperately wrestling for control over my emotions, he took things into his own hands and said something stupid. While I can't remember what he said, I was really really angry. I rebuffed him and indirectly told, no, ordered him to take back his words. I didn't scream at him, but my voice was so hostile, so sharp, and yet so calm with a hint of deadliness in it that my father was taken aback.
It's safe to say that this was the beginning of my emotional breakdowns. The second one happened when I called up another friend of mine, desperately seeking comfort. I blurted out everything to him and started crying for real, tears and gasping, no snot. I really didn't want to cry, but the dam in me refused to hold up, so I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered dignity. At the very least, I managed to temporarily control myself for the time being.
I guess that the fact that he was there to help cheer me up helped slightly, that was one of the times where I was thankful to have a friend who was willing to listen through my tears and wait for me to finish instead of trying to make me stop. I let myself go a little so that I could feel better, but in doing so, I unconsciously clung onto him for comfort and didn't realise it until a few days later after my second breakdown.
I would constantly call him for the next few days, I had somethings to say, but I lacked the words to voice it out. I knew I was getting annoying, but he was unfortunately too nice to voice it through words, and did so through his actions. Well, they were subtle signs here and there, and I was getting pissed off with how I was acting, so I practically forced myself to get a grip and move on without a word. Unfortunately, it was still a little too early and I didn't think things through.
I immersed myself in all other activities in order to not think about it, and that led to my third breakdown. I was in Perak, Taiping to clean my ancestors' graves, and my father decided to teach me how to ride the motorbike. Damn it, of all the times to start thinking of drama. My thoughts were so divided I couldn't even focus on what he was trying to teach me, my mind was like a sieve and I was desperately trying to control my emotions and focus on what he was teaching me, knowing that he was getting frustrated with me as I am myself.
After we decided to give it a rest as we were going no where, I suddenly lashed out at my father, saying that he was the worst teacher that I ever had. He lashed back at me saying that I was the stupidest student he had ever had and started comparing me with my siblings. Of all the bloody things to do, he just had to compare me with my siblings. Now that I think of it, I can never ever find it in me to actually respect him, not now, not ever, because some scars were too deep to really be healed.
Anyway, I asked to be excused from all my other relatives to make a phone call. My nerves and emotions were already battered enough that I was practically shaking and my face was so pale. I can't really remember the exact details, but I think I called Adeline first, but she had her piano lesson then, so I had to hang up. Then I called another friend, but her phone was unning out of battery. Then another friend called me but unfortunately didn't do anything to ebb the flow of tears and pain. Finally, Adeline finished her class and called me.
I can't remember the exact details of what we talked about, but all I know is that I managed to compose myself, even when I was thinking of the one person who I would have prefered to call for some reason I have no idea why. Well screw it, I can't go one depending on people like this, neither am I a weak person who needs help.
Either way, if this can't help me sleep at night without nightmares, then I'm going to result to sleeping pills. God knows how much I need sleep.
The drama competition had passed so quickly, and the fact that I lost in something that I placed so much of myself in really made my world spin off kilter. When I heard the results, the first thing in my mind was silence. I couldn't think of anything, I felt so numb and cold, and the only thing I could do was to pull a semblance of a facade together and remind myself and Adeline to clap for those who won as a show of good sportsmanship.
After that, I still had to hold on to it so that I could get my affairs into order. First was my team, and second were the well-wishers from the other schools. Two of my girls ended up crying and part of me was thankful, because it gave me something other than my splintering emotions to concentrate on.
I actually had to summon nearly all that was left of my strength just to plaster on a fake smile on my face, which was something I did regularly and effortlessly on regular days, when a few of our competitors from HSM came up to Adeline and I to congratulate us. They were trying to reassure us with words that we actually did deserve to win, and that our act was the best, even if our props were so disorganised.
What could I do? I couldn't let my face melt into a scowl or an expressionless mask that I would use ever so often to hide my emotions, they were trying t0 cheer us up, so I could only smile and thank them for trying to cheer us up. I guess I was also thankful for them because it gave me another excuse to concentrate on something else.
After we went back to the school's hostel hall, I gave the girls some time off to recompose themselves and make themselves comfortable before I told them the reasons as to why we lost. Then I had to hold a short Cha Cha session and a dance off to let them unwind after hearing the reasons when all I wanted was for the day to end. Unfortunately, I still had my duty to them as the director to pull everything together, so I summoned another facade and acted again.
After school, I met a couple of my friends and told them the news. When I was getting to the reasons, something in me just broke, to say the least. Tears started leaking from my eyes and it was all that I could do to stop myself from sobbing in front of my friends, the other students, the students' parents, and my own father. I really wish that I had a sign saying "Leave me alone for a few minutes so that I can recompose myself!!!" because I almost managed to pull myself together.
Unfortunately, my father chose the wrong time to have a protective streak, because he immediately came to me and asked what was going on. When my friends couldn't answer him because they didn't know who he was, and I couldn't answer him because I was desperately wrestling for control over my emotions, he took things into his own hands and said something stupid. While I can't remember what he said, I was really really angry. I rebuffed him and indirectly told, no, ordered him to take back his words. I didn't scream at him, but my voice was so hostile, so sharp, and yet so calm with a hint of deadliness in it that my father was taken aback.
It's safe to say that this was the beginning of my emotional breakdowns. The second one happened when I called up another friend of mine, desperately seeking comfort. I blurted out everything to him and started crying for real, tears and gasping, no snot. I really didn't want to cry, but the dam in me refused to hold up, so I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered dignity. At the very least, I managed to temporarily control myself for the time being.
I guess that the fact that he was there to help cheer me up helped slightly, that was one of the times where I was thankful to have a friend who was willing to listen through my tears and wait for me to finish instead of trying to make me stop. I let myself go a little so that I could feel better, but in doing so, I unconsciously clung onto him for comfort and didn't realise it until a few days later after my second breakdown.
I would constantly call him for the next few days, I had somethings to say, but I lacked the words to voice it out. I knew I was getting annoying, but he was unfortunately too nice to voice it through words, and did so through his actions. Well, they were subtle signs here and there, and I was getting pissed off with how I was acting, so I practically forced myself to get a grip and move on without a word. Unfortunately, it was still a little too early and I didn't think things through.
I immersed myself in all other activities in order to not think about it, and that led to my third breakdown. I was in Perak, Taiping to clean my ancestors' graves, and my father decided to teach me how to ride the motorbike. Damn it, of all the times to start thinking of drama. My thoughts were so divided I couldn't even focus on what he was trying to teach me, my mind was like a sieve and I was desperately trying to control my emotions and focus on what he was teaching me, knowing that he was getting frustrated with me as I am myself.
After we decided to give it a rest as we were going no where, I suddenly lashed out at my father, saying that he was the worst teacher that I ever had. He lashed back at me saying that I was the stupidest student he had ever had and started comparing me with my siblings. Of all the bloody things to do, he just had to compare me with my siblings. Now that I think of it, I can never ever find it in me to actually respect him, not now, not ever, because some scars were too deep to really be healed.
Anyway, I asked to be excused from all my other relatives to make a phone call. My nerves and emotions were already battered enough that I was practically shaking and my face was so pale. I can't really remember the exact details, but I think I called Adeline first, but she had her piano lesson then, so I had to hang up. Then I called another friend, but her phone was unning out of battery. Then another friend called me but unfortunately didn't do anything to ebb the flow of tears and pain. Finally, Adeline finished her class and called me.
I can't remember the exact details of what we talked about, but all I know is that I managed to compose myself, even when I was thinking of the one person who I would have prefered to call for some reason I have no idea why. Well screw it, I can't go one depending on people like this, neither am I a weak person who needs help.
Either way, if this can't help me sleep at night without nightmares, then I'm going to result to sleeping pills. God knows how much I need sleep.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I hate my !@#$% younger brother!
I am really really pissed off! The damned brat is going to really suffer one say when I get some laxatives to make him pay! He had the gall to declare like some sort of prince that my sister and I are to wash up the dishes after HE finished eating! He was the last to finish, and that means that he is supposed to wash up! Then after using the vacuum cleaner for no particular reason at all, he nearly dumped the whole pail full of dirty water on ME!!! Then he has the gall to act as though he owns the house or he is the king of the world!!!
Why the hell did my mother not abort him when she found out that she was pregnant with him even though he was unplanned?! She would have saved my sister and I from a hell lot of headaches! Simply put, I HATE HIM!!!!! God damn it!!! If I could kill him and get away with it I would have done it a long long long time ago when he gave me a black eye!
On second thought, I hope that one day he gets beaten up by some gang that he crossed at school because of his attitude. Since he's in a school that has quite a lot of delinquents, it shouldn't be much of a problem at all. He is such a stain to our image, imagine his 2 older sisters in a premier school and yet he chose to stay in a school like that! He has the grades to make it into another school that is much better and challenging for him, and yet he chose to stay at his current school because he doesn't want to lose control and power over his peers! Such a coward!!! He's rude not only to his seniors, he has no respect for authority and has such a high-handed attitude that it's surprising that he's lasted this long without getting ganged up on.
Actually just recently, he had injured his toe for one stupid reason or another, and his 'friend' stepped on it on purpose! Well good for him, I'm so smug and pleased that I would have congratulated and thanked his 'friend' in front of the brat and treat him to a good meal! What more, it was just a flesh wound, it didn't even need stitches/injections or anything! Just some disinfectant and bandages, and yet he treated it as though the wound would cripple him! Such an idiot, then again someone with his head stuck so far up his ass wouldn't be able to differentiate a minor wound from a major wound even if it struck him across the face with a dictionary!
Note to self, remember to inquire about what kind of laxatives are tasteless, harmless but pack enough punch to send him to the bathroom for an hour straight. Of course I wouldn't let him know, after all it would give me greater satisfaction to know that he won't have anyone to take revenge on. I'm pretty sure that my sister would support me in this prank of mine, if not then it's her loss.
I know I may seem cruel, but if you've lived with this brat for more than 13 years, then you'll be as happy as I am to start plotting on how to make him suffer.
Why the hell did my mother not abort him when she found out that she was pregnant with him even though he was unplanned?! She would have saved my sister and I from a hell lot of headaches! Simply put, I HATE HIM!!!!! God damn it!!! If I could kill him and get away with it I would have done it a long long long time ago when he gave me a black eye!
On second thought, I hope that one day he gets beaten up by some gang that he crossed at school because of his attitude. Since he's in a school that has quite a lot of delinquents, it shouldn't be much of a problem at all. He is such a stain to our image, imagine his 2 older sisters in a premier school and yet he chose to stay in a school like that! He has the grades to make it into another school that is much better and challenging for him, and yet he chose to stay at his current school because he doesn't want to lose control and power over his peers! Such a coward!!! He's rude not only to his seniors, he has no respect for authority and has such a high-handed attitude that it's surprising that he's lasted this long without getting ganged up on.
Actually just recently, he had injured his toe for one stupid reason or another, and his 'friend' stepped on it on purpose! Well good for him, I'm so smug and pleased that I would have congratulated and thanked his 'friend' in front of the brat and treat him to a good meal! What more, it was just a flesh wound, it didn't even need stitches/injections or anything! Just some disinfectant and bandages, and yet he treated it as though the wound would cripple him! Such an idiot, then again someone with his head stuck so far up his ass wouldn't be able to differentiate a minor wound from a major wound even if it struck him across the face with a dictionary!
Note to self, remember to inquire about what kind of laxatives are tasteless, harmless but pack enough punch to send him to the bathroom for an hour straight. Of course I wouldn't let him know, after all it would give me greater satisfaction to know that he won't have anyone to take revenge on. I'm pretty sure that my sister would support me in this prank of mine, if not then it's her loss.
I know I may seem cruel, but if you've lived with this brat for more than 13 years, then you'll be as happy as I am to start plotting on how to make him suffer.
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