Something is going wrong in my life right now, it's being thrown off kilter. I"m not sure why, but I've been getting strange vibes, been acting strangely myself, and am suffering from disturbingly dreamless sleeps.
One thing for sure, friendship is over-rated right now. I'm highly suspicious on who to trust and who not to trust, and I can't trust my instincts because I'm not being myself. Once I review over things, I realise that some of the bonds I treasure aren't really solid at all. They're just there to help me get through the year, and after that it'll disintegrate to nothingness. It also came upon me that those bonds that I have, well they seem superficial.
While it seems that there's nothing wrong on the outside, my emotions are really on an odd swing. I've been getting mood swings, snapping at Adeline, well it's partly her fault and I couldn't care less but still it feels odd for some reason as I don't do it without a good reason. It's as though someone has taken over me, my soul and my mind.
Not to mention the fact that another friend has just told me about her suspicions about another friend and I'm not sure what to think. Adeline, if you're going to tell me not to think too much I'll grab a pie and drop it on your face when you're asleep.
Firstly, I'm being mean, deliberately. While I am like that at times, it strikes me as odd. I can't pinpoint it, but it's just odd. Unfortunately, Adeline has been bearing the brunt of my frustrations. I have no idea how to interact with her anymore, and I certainly do not want to come across as a fool. Well I'll let her decide for me on what to do, and then I'll take it from there if I like it.
Either way, I wish that I could read minds, it'll help in so many ways. I seem to be dishing out a hell lot of apologies ever since I met that idiot, and I do not like it!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Screw Cooking!!!
I swear that some God out there was playing with me when I was in the kitchen preparing dinner (spaghetti) for my siblings and myself as dinner, maybe even a poltergeist.
I had prepared everything to get started and when I tried to open the pasta jar it slipped out of my hand and crashed into the stone kitchen counter. It was made of glass and was full damn it!!! What a waste, and what a pain in the butt!!!
The sauce and glass splattered all over the place! The kitchen counter, the floor, the sink, the stove, you name it! It even splattered over me! I got a few cuts from the glass shards but thankfully none were deep, though they were bleeding slightly and I got blood on my shirt as well without realising it. I ended up wailing for help from my sister and we managed to clean up the mess.
Then I started cooking at last. Of all the things to happen, I had to get scalded. While the damage was minimal since it centered mostly on my fingers, the water was boiling when it splashed on me! Sigh, so I went to rinse my hand with cold water.
To my dismay, there was no cold water in the kitchen tap from some reason I do not know. I couldn't go to the bathroom because I had to watch the stove, so I ended up rinsing my hand with warm to hot water. Damn the cuts stung, so did the scalds. I have 2 cuts on my left and right wrists respectively, as well as a hole made by a stupid shard of glass on my right palm. My left middle finger was scalded and so was my right palm. In conclusion, this was not my day.
Sigh, to add to my irritation I had to wash up after cooking because we didn't have a maid. Soap is painful once it comes into contact with wounds, remind me to keep that in mind when I wash up because I forgot about it. Another piece of annoyance was that a boy younger than me by a year had the gall to insult me. He actually said, "You actually know what a kitchen is? Are you safe? Don't attempt to cook again or the headlines will say "Kitchen kills Girl". I hope that you'll find a chef as a husband.". How rude, I promptly gave him a piece of my mind, at least he apologised.
Despite how I act, I actually know how to cook! Well, given my past it's not a surprise. Is it that hard to believe that I can actually cook a decent meal? Or should I specially cook a meal and 'accidentally' add poison into it before serving it? I've done it enough to actually what goes and what doesn't, so don't ever dare insult me like that!
Anyway, at the end of the day I had a friend who insulted me, another who took charge and told me what to do with my wounds, a friend who didn't seem to really care, and a friend who cared but on a lesser scale. Frankly, I could really do with a good cold bath or a dip in the pool.
I had prepared everything to get started and when I tried to open the pasta jar it slipped out of my hand and crashed into the stone kitchen counter. It was made of glass and was full damn it!!! What a waste, and what a pain in the butt!!!
The sauce and glass splattered all over the place! The kitchen counter, the floor, the sink, the stove, you name it! It even splattered over me! I got a few cuts from the glass shards but thankfully none were deep, though they were bleeding slightly and I got blood on my shirt as well without realising it. I ended up wailing for help from my sister and we managed to clean up the mess.
Then I started cooking at last. Of all the things to happen, I had to get scalded. While the damage was minimal since it centered mostly on my fingers, the water was boiling when it splashed on me! Sigh, so I went to rinse my hand with cold water.
To my dismay, there was no cold water in the kitchen tap from some reason I do not know. I couldn't go to the bathroom because I had to watch the stove, so I ended up rinsing my hand with warm to hot water. Damn the cuts stung, so did the scalds. I have 2 cuts on my left and right wrists respectively, as well as a hole made by a stupid shard of glass on my right palm. My left middle finger was scalded and so was my right palm. In conclusion, this was not my day.
Sigh, to add to my irritation I had to wash up after cooking because we didn't have a maid. Soap is painful once it comes into contact with wounds, remind me to keep that in mind when I wash up because I forgot about it. Another piece of annoyance was that a boy younger than me by a year had the gall to insult me. He actually said, "You actually know what a kitchen is? Are you safe? Don't attempt to cook again or the headlines will say "Kitchen kills Girl". I hope that you'll find a chef as a husband.". How rude, I promptly gave him a piece of my mind, at least he apologised.
Despite how I act, I actually know how to cook! Well, given my past it's not a surprise. Is it that hard to believe that I can actually cook a decent meal? Or should I specially cook a meal and 'accidentally' add poison into it before serving it? I've done it enough to actually what goes and what doesn't, so don't ever dare insult me like that!
Anyway, at the end of the day I had a friend who insulted me, another who took charge and told me what to do with my wounds, a friend who didn't seem to really care, and a friend who cared but on a lesser scale. Frankly, I could really do with a good cold bath or a dip in the pool.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I'm back
Sigh, I'm really reluctant to come back to Muar after spending such a fun and relaxing time in KL with my mother and my favorite extended family. I spent Friday and most of my Saturday with my mother, and had a relaxing day with her. On the later part of Saturday and half on Sunday I spent it with my favourite relatives.
It was really a fun day, I learnt how to play Mahjong at long last. It was quite fun since I managed to win twice in a row at first before losing to my aunt. Then I won 4 games in a row, to my sister and aunt's chagrin. Lol, winning is fun, but having fun is a better thing.
It was really a fun day, I learnt how to play Mahjong at long last. It was quite fun since I managed to win twice in a row at first before losing to my aunt. Then I won 4 games in a row, to my sister and aunt's chagrin. Lol, winning is fun, but having fun is a better thing.
Guilt and Smugness
I'm feeling way odd now. I just broke the news about my brother's actions to my father in front of my cousins and my cousin's girlfriend. He didn't take it really well, and my stupid sister tried to make things worse by adding in an old incident.
He looked really... I can't explain... when I told him that my mother told me to tell him that it was called Domestic Violence. All I know that he must feel terrible that I would tell my mother but not him. Sigh, my stupid sis just had to rub salt in his wounds by adding that he was never around anyway.
This is troublesome, I feel guilty for making my father feel that way, though it was long overdue, but I also feel smug that my stupid brother is finally going to face the music for his actions.
On another note, my cousin's girlfriend helped me to massage the bruise on my left arm using a somewhat smelly herb mixture for bruises. It hurt a little at first, but I got used to it soon enough. It doens't look too bad, though it feels like there's a straining sensation in my muscle. At least it'll go away soon because it's starting to interfere with my daily activities. Imagine having to take extra care of you dominant arm because you injured it, sometimes you'll actually forget that you have an injury there and regret it later when you do something to aggravate it.
Sigh, I totally missed my other cousin's daughter's full moon party. My mother took a long time in getting ready, causing us to leave her condominium around 20-30 minutes late, and then we took 30 minutes to reach my grandmother's house. I'm not sure how long we took for dinner, but all I remember about it was that it was too salty and too sweet. After we sent my grandmother home, my mother got lost on the way to my cousin's condominium and had to call up for directions. All in all, instead of arriving at the party, I arrived after the party. Sigh, it's a little disappointing though, having to miss it because I was looking forward to it.
My mother on the other hand, was late for her ballroom dancing session by at least 45 minutes. I think it's safe to say that she's bad with time as well as with directions. I'm thinking of investing in a GPS system for her birthday/Christmas present, it'll definitely come in handy.
On another note, my hearing dropped again. It seems that if it drops any lower, I'll have to change my hearing aid to a bigger version, and I"m not happy about it because it's quite close to dropping over the required boundary for the current one I have now. I'm really worried about this, because the cells in my ear cannot regenerate, and if they can't regenerate then my hearing loss is permanent until a genius scientist has found a way to regenerate the dead cells in the human ear.
He looked really... I can't explain... when I told him that my mother told me to tell him that it was called Domestic Violence. All I know that he must feel terrible that I would tell my mother but not him. Sigh, my stupid sis just had to rub salt in his wounds by adding that he was never around anyway.
This is troublesome, I feel guilty for making my father feel that way, though it was long overdue, but I also feel smug that my stupid brother is finally going to face the music for his actions.
On another note, my cousin's girlfriend helped me to massage the bruise on my left arm using a somewhat smelly herb mixture for bruises. It hurt a little at first, but I got used to it soon enough. It doens't look too bad, though it feels like there's a straining sensation in my muscle. At least it'll go away soon because it's starting to interfere with my daily activities. Imagine having to take extra care of you dominant arm because you injured it, sometimes you'll actually forget that you have an injury there and regret it later when you do something to aggravate it.
Sigh, I totally missed my other cousin's daughter's full moon party. My mother took a long time in getting ready, causing us to leave her condominium around 20-30 minutes late, and then we took 30 minutes to reach my grandmother's house. I'm not sure how long we took for dinner, but all I remember about it was that it was too salty and too sweet. After we sent my grandmother home, my mother got lost on the way to my cousin's condominium and had to call up for directions. All in all, instead of arriving at the party, I arrived after the party. Sigh, it's a little disappointing though, having to miss it because I was looking forward to it.
My mother on the other hand, was late for her ballroom dancing session by at least 45 minutes. I think it's safe to say that she's bad with time as well as with directions. I'm thinking of investing in a GPS system for her birthday/Christmas present, it'll definitely come in handy.
On another note, my hearing dropped again. It seems that if it drops any lower, I'll have to change my hearing aid to a bigger version, and I"m not happy about it because it's quite close to dropping over the required boundary for the current one I have now. I'm really worried about this, because the cells in my ear cannot regenerate, and if they can't regenerate then my hearing loss is permanent until a genius scientist has found a way to regenerate the dead cells in the human ear.
Friday, April 17, 2009
This sucks!
Getting beaten up with no chance to defend yourself is no fun at all. I just did a through check up of my injuries and found out that there was more. I probably sprained a muscle or two in my neck from trying to get away from the bastard and managed to bruise my thighs as well, oh joy.
I'm not too sure if I sprained my neck muscles but all I know is that there's a painful bump where the muscles are. I haven't even told my father yet about this, not sure if I should. What more, tomorrow I'm going to be wearing a shirt that will not have long enough sleeves to cover my bruise on my left arm, what am I going to say when someone asks about it?
Should I lie to save myself and indirectly, the bastard, from capital punishment; or should I tell the truth and see where things go from there? I'm still not sure, but my mother is forcing me to tell the truth, else she would do it herself.
On another note, I'm happy to conclude that I'm not in love with anyone, or have a crush on anyone, mainly 'someone'. I find it interesting to twist and play with emotions and see where it'll lead, and I've also managed to drag a couple of others into the game. Unfortunately, this game is getting boring, so I've got to find another game to amuse myself with least I cause some damage.
It's funny how I can delude myself and others as well into thinking that I'm 'in love' or have a 'crush' on someone, then again illusions are rather easy to conjure as long as you act well enough. I can't say that I got anything out of it though, which makes it even more boring. Sigh, leading a rigmarole is boring! Then again it lets me see things from a different perspective, so it's a neutral settlement.
I'm in KL now, and tomorrow I'll be going to my hearing aid provider to do a few tests to determine if my hearing has worsen, which I suspect it has. I really don't want my hearing to worsen, it's one of my biggest fears. I can't imagine having to go through life wearing a hearing aid everyday and still missing out on some words because I can't catch them.
I'm not too sure if I sprained my neck muscles but all I know is that there's a painful bump where the muscles are. I haven't even told my father yet about this, not sure if I should. What more, tomorrow I'm going to be wearing a shirt that will not have long enough sleeves to cover my bruise on my left arm, what am I going to say when someone asks about it?
Should I lie to save myself and indirectly, the bastard, from capital punishment; or should I tell the truth and see where things go from there? I'm still not sure, but my mother is forcing me to tell the truth, else she would do it herself.
On another note, I'm happy to conclude that I'm not in love with anyone, or have a crush on anyone, mainly 'someone'. I find it interesting to twist and play with emotions and see where it'll lead, and I've also managed to drag a couple of others into the game. Unfortunately, this game is getting boring, so I've got to find another game to amuse myself with least I cause some damage.
It's funny how I can delude myself and others as well into thinking that I'm 'in love' or have a 'crush' on someone, then again illusions are rather easy to conjure as long as you act well enough. I can't say that I got anything out of it though, which makes it even more boring. Sigh, leading a rigmarole is boring! Then again it lets me see things from a different perspective, so it's a neutral settlement.
I'm in KL now, and tomorrow I'll be going to my hearing aid provider to do a few tests to determine if my hearing has worsen, which I suspect it has. I really don't want my hearing to worsen, it's one of my biggest fears. I can't imagine having to go through life wearing a hearing aid everyday and still missing out on some words because I can't catch them.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Chocolate!
Chocolate is sweet,
Chocolate is great,
Chocolate makes my world go round,
Yay chocolate!!!
I love chocolate! Love it! Belgian chocolate is nice, especially when it's all mine! I just shared a whole box of chocolate with hazelnuts with my sis and I loved it! It's so smooth, rich and simply just melts in your mouth. Sigh, it's so heavenly! It's a perfect blend of milk and dark chocolate and definitely the perfect pick me up after a bad day too!
I'm definitely giving it a 100/10!!! Actually, I seem to have an afinity for chocolates made in Germany, don't know why, but I seriously hope that my father will go to the airport again and bring back a whole stack of it just for me!
I just called Adeline a few minutes ago, and it seems that she's in the operating theater. I just hope that she's alright. Despite how displeased I am with her, I would never wish for ill to come upon her. I wonder how long she has to stay in the hospital for, hopefully it won't take too long, because her KK Moral is way overdue already. Worse come to worse I'll pass it up for her myself if needed be.
I can't take it anymore!
God damn it! I really hate him! How could he do this to me?! He actually attacked me even though all that I did was to throw insults that were true!
He slapped me, and when I tried to defend myself with words he attacked me. He fucking attacked me! He grabbed me from behind and started punching my head multiple times, then he pulled my hair repeatedly as well before trying to slam me into the wall head first. When I managed to push him off and onto a couch on his back, he kicked me in the stomach multiple times before trying to punch my head again.
As for my resulting injuries, he left a bruise right beside my left eye, and damn it hurts when I prodded it. My tears are flowing like a river for reasons I can't comprehend, my nose is blocked and I can barely breath properly. My right middle finger is tender at the nail part, I probably got it in trying to defend myself.
My uniform sleeve is ripped, and the material is quite strong in actuality, so the fact that my sleeve actually ripped says quite a lot on what he could have done to me. That's not all, when he pulled at my sleeve, I was pulling at the opposite direction, trying to yank my arm out of his grip. Guess what? That actually caused the sleeve to bunch up at one area and bruise my arm. The bruise is on the underside of my upper arm and is going diagonally upwards, it also measures around 1-1.5 cm in width and around 7-8 cm in length.
I'm pissed off at him, pissed off at myself, and pissed off at my parents. Him because he wants me to respect him when he doesn't respect me, for attacking me even when he knows that my words were true. Myself for being unable to defend myself and for being unable to control my emotions. My parents for producing him in the first place and more specifically my father for taking his side even when he doesn't know just what is going on in his house.
This actually started with my 'dear' (Note the italics and aprostophy) father telling me off in front of that bastard about not respecting the bastard. His exact words were "I will not respect you if you don't learn to respect others. Just who do you think you are ... blah blah and blah." The bastard had the gall to throw the words back in my face and insult me by calling me a bitch the whole evening long. What do you expect me to do? Turn a blind eye to those insults? No bloody way. Of course I retaliated, but nothing much happened besides insults yesterday.
Today on the other hand, his one track mind decided, "Oh, lets take a field trip and show the house how strong we are by beating Charmaine up to teach her a lesson on how to respect those stronger than you!" Bull shit! The only thing that it proved was that he only knows how to 'solve' problems with his fist, and not with his mind. Now that I think of it, he punches like a kitten. Granted that I have a higher pain treshold than average, but I would still have felt the sting of a real punch. I felt more pressure than pain, which says something.
So if I'm not crying because of the pain, then why am I crying? Why am I screaming myself hoarse in order to just release something stuck in me?
Granted, I had a somewhat bad day since I had no choice to hand in my project work without completing it because Adeline once again failed to pass me the last items I need to complete it. God knows what's going on in that girl's head to keep making her forget that she has a duty to her friends after promising to do something for them. So far, she has broken quite a few of them. While I can't remember all of it, all I know is that I'm really disappointed in her.
Every time I decide to trust her, she turns around and throws it back in my face after carrying it around. Granted that it doesn't happen frequently, but the times she chose to do so really carried out serious consequences. Only God knows why I still continued to trust her after all those times, though I suspect that I'm already taking measures to ensure that this will never happen again. While I don't hate her and will try to be there when she needs me to, right now she has to re-earn my trust again.
Anyway, back to the subject. I called another friend of mine a few times but he didn't answer my call. Then I sent an sms practically begging him to please just answer his phone because I needed to speak to him, at that point I was going hysterical. Oh joy, hysterics are what I hate most, and yet there was nothing to stop me from going into it. When he called me back after finding his phone under the drawer (he places his phone on silent mode all the time, that idiot), the only thing holding me back broke and I went straight to hysterics. While I did try to control myself, it was dismaying enough that I would sink so low as to need comfort from another.
I really did annoy him, but what could I do? All my other friends were preoccupied, and I couldn't trust anyone else. Either way, I really can't keep depending on him anymore. I'm really tired of depending on him for help emotionally, so I guess that it's time to wear another mask. I'm sure that it'll be easy enough for me, but facades are terribly hard to pull of once you've placed them to rest. The stupid idiot broke it, and for that he'll pay. I guess annoying him is good enough for payback, but play time is over, and I will not make the same mistake twice.
He slapped me, and when I tried to defend myself with words he attacked me. He fucking attacked me! He grabbed me from behind and started punching my head multiple times, then he pulled my hair repeatedly as well before trying to slam me into the wall head first. When I managed to push him off and onto a couch on his back, he kicked me in the stomach multiple times before trying to punch my head again.
As for my resulting injuries, he left a bruise right beside my left eye, and damn it hurts when I prodded it. My tears are flowing like a river for reasons I can't comprehend, my nose is blocked and I can barely breath properly. My right middle finger is tender at the nail part, I probably got it in trying to defend myself.
My uniform sleeve is ripped, and the material is quite strong in actuality, so the fact that my sleeve actually ripped says quite a lot on what he could have done to me. That's not all, when he pulled at my sleeve, I was pulling at the opposite direction, trying to yank my arm out of his grip. Guess what? That actually caused the sleeve to bunch up at one area and bruise my arm. The bruise is on the underside of my upper arm and is going diagonally upwards, it also measures around 1-1.5 cm in width and around 7-8 cm in length.
I'm pissed off at him, pissed off at myself, and pissed off at my parents. Him because he wants me to respect him when he doesn't respect me, for attacking me even when he knows that my words were true. Myself for being unable to defend myself and for being unable to control my emotions. My parents for producing him in the first place and more specifically my father for taking his side even when he doesn't know just what is going on in his house.
This actually started with my 'dear' (Note the italics and aprostophy) father telling me off in front of that bastard about not respecting the bastard. His exact words were "I will not respect you if you don't learn to respect others. Just who do you think you are ... blah blah and blah." The bastard had the gall to throw the words back in my face and insult me by calling me a bitch the whole evening long. What do you expect me to do? Turn a blind eye to those insults? No bloody way. Of course I retaliated, but nothing much happened besides insults yesterday.
Today on the other hand, his one track mind decided, "Oh, lets take a field trip and show the house how strong we are by beating Charmaine up to teach her a lesson on how to respect those stronger than you!" Bull shit! The only thing that it proved was that he only knows how to 'solve' problems with his fist, and not with his mind. Now that I think of it, he punches like a kitten. Granted that I have a higher pain treshold than average, but I would still have felt the sting of a real punch. I felt more pressure than pain, which says something.
So if I'm not crying because of the pain, then why am I crying? Why am I screaming myself hoarse in order to just release something stuck in me?
Granted, I had a somewhat bad day since I had no choice to hand in my project work without completing it because Adeline once again failed to pass me the last items I need to complete it. God knows what's going on in that girl's head to keep making her forget that she has a duty to her friends after promising to do something for them. So far, she has broken quite a few of them. While I can't remember all of it, all I know is that I'm really disappointed in her.
Every time I decide to trust her, she turns around and throws it back in my face after carrying it around. Granted that it doesn't happen frequently, but the times she chose to do so really carried out serious consequences. Only God knows why I still continued to trust her after all those times, though I suspect that I'm already taking measures to ensure that this will never happen again. While I don't hate her and will try to be there when she needs me to, right now she has to re-earn my trust again.
Anyway, back to the subject. I called another friend of mine a few times but he didn't answer my call. Then I sent an sms practically begging him to please just answer his phone because I needed to speak to him, at that point I was going hysterical. Oh joy, hysterics are what I hate most, and yet there was nothing to stop me from going into it. When he called me back after finding his phone under the drawer (he places his phone on silent mode all the time, that idiot), the only thing holding me back broke and I went straight to hysterics. While I did try to control myself, it was dismaying enough that I would sink so low as to need comfort from another.
I really did annoy him, but what could I do? All my other friends were preoccupied, and I couldn't trust anyone else. Either way, I really can't keep depending on him anymore. I'm really tired of depending on him for help emotionally, so I guess that it's time to wear another mask. I'm sure that it'll be easy enough for me, but facades are terribly hard to pull of once you've placed them to rest. The stupid idiot broke it, and for that he'll pay. I guess annoying him is good enough for payback, but play time is over, and I will not make the same mistake twice.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Drama: My Pride and Joy, and yet also one of my biggest Disappointments
It's a little overdue for me to be writing about something that has passed around 8 days ago, though I feel that if I write this down, maybe I'll be able to sleep peacefully at night without getting nightmares.
The drama competition had passed so quickly, and the fact that I lost in something that I placed so much of myself in really made my world spin off kilter. When I heard the results, the first thing in my mind was silence. I couldn't think of anything, I felt so numb and cold, and the only thing I could do was to pull a semblance of a facade together and remind myself and Adeline to clap for those who won as a show of good sportsmanship.
After that, I still had to hold on to it so that I could get my affairs into order. First was my team, and second were the well-wishers from the other schools. Two of my girls ended up crying and part of me was thankful, because it gave me something other than my splintering emotions to concentrate on.
I actually had to summon nearly all that was left of my strength just to plaster on a fake smile on my face, which was something I did regularly and effortlessly on regular days, when a few of our competitors from HSM came up to Adeline and I to congratulate us. They were trying to reassure us with words that we actually did deserve to win, and that our act was the best, even if our props were so disorganised.
What could I do? I couldn't let my face melt into a scowl or an expressionless mask that I would use ever so often to hide my emotions, they were trying t0 cheer us up, so I could only smile and thank them for trying to cheer us up. I guess I was also thankful for them because it gave me another excuse to concentrate on something else.
After we went back to the school's hostel hall, I gave the girls some time off to recompose themselves and make themselves comfortable before I told them the reasons as to why we lost. Then I had to hold a short Cha Cha session and a dance off to let them unwind after hearing the reasons when all I wanted was for the day to end. Unfortunately, I still had my duty to them as the director to pull everything together, so I summoned another facade and acted again.
After school, I met a couple of my friends and told them the news. When I was getting to the reasons, something in me just broke, to say the least. Tears started leaking from my eyes and it was all that I could do to stop myself from sobbing in front of my friends, the other students, the students' parents, and my own father. I really wish that I had a sign saying "Leave me alone for a few minutes so that I can recompose myself!!!" because I almost managed to pull myself together.
Unfortunately, my father chose the wrong time to have a protective streak, because he immediately came to me and asked what was going on. When my friends couldn't answer him because they didn't know who he was, and I couldn't answer him because I was desperately wrestling for control over my emotions, he took things into his own hands and said something stupid. While I can't remember what he said, I was really really angry. I rebuffed him and indirectly told, no, ordered him to take back his words. I didn't scream at him, but my voice was so hostile, so sharp, and yet so calm with a hint of deadliness in it that my father was taken aback.
It's safe to say that this was the beginning of my emotional breakdowns. The second one happened when I called up another friend of mine, desperately seeking comfort. I blurted out everything to him and started crying for real, tears and gasping, no snot. I really didn't want to cry, but the dam in me refused to hold up, so I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered dignity. At the very least, I managed to temporarily control myself for the time being.
I guess that the fact that he was there to help cheer me up helped slightly, that was one of the times where I was thankful to have a friend who was willing to listen through my tears and wait for me to finish instead of trying to make me stop. I let myself go a little so that I could feel better, but in doing so, I unconsciously clung onto him for comfort and didn't realise it until a few days later after my second breakdown.
I would constantly call him for the next few days, I had somethings to say, but I lacked the words to voice it out. I knew I was getting annoying, but he was unfortunately too nice to voice it through words, and did so through his actions. Well, they were subtle signs here and there, and I was getting pissed off with how I was acting, so I practically forced myself to get a grip and move on without a word. Unfortunately, it was still a little too early and I didn't think things through.
I immersed myself in all other activities in order to not think about it, and that led to my third breakdown. I was in Perak, Taiping to clean my ancestors' graves, and my father decided to teach me how to ride the motorbike. Damn it, of all the times to start thinking of drama. My thoughts were so divided I couldn't even focus on what he was trying to teach me, my mind was like a sieve and I was desperately trying to control my emotions and focus on what he was teaching me, knowing that he was getting frustrated with me as I am myself.
After we decided to give it a rest as we were going no where, I suddenly lashed out at my father, saying that he was the worst teacher that I ever had. He lashed back at me saying that I was the stupidest student he had ever had and started comparing me with my siblings. Of all the bloody things to do, he just had to compare me with my siblings. Now that I think of it, I can never ever find it in me to actually respect him, not now, not ever, because some scars were too deep to really be healed.
Anyway, I asked to be excused from all my other relatives to make a phone call. My nerves and emotions were already battered enough that I was practically shaking and my face was so pale. I can't really remember the exact details, but I think I called Adeline first, but she had her piano lesson then, so I had to hang up. Then I called another friend, but her phone was unning out of battery. Then another friend called me but unfortunately didn't do anything to ebb the flow of tears and pain. Finally, Adeline finished her class and called me.
I can't remember the exact details of what we talked about, but all I know is that I managed to compose myself, even when I was thinking of the one person who I would have prefered to call for some reason I have no idea why. Well screw it, I can't go one depending on people like this, neither am I a weak person who needs help.
Either way, if this can't help me sleep at night without nightmares, then I'm going to result to sleeping pills. God knows how much I need sleep.
The drama competition had passed so quickly, and the fact that I lost in something that I placed so much of myself in really made my world spin off kilter. When I heard the results, the first thing in my mind was silence. I couldn't think of anything, I felt so numb and cold, and the only thing I could do was to pull a semblance of a facade together and remind myself and Adeline to clap for those who won as a show of good sportsmanship.
After that, I still had to hold on to it so that I could get my affairs into order. First was my team, and second were the well-wishers from the other schools. Two of my girls ended up crying and part of me was thankful, because it gave me something other than my splintering emotions to concentrate on.
I actually had to summon nearly all that was left of my strength just to plaster on a fake smile on my face, which was something I did regularly and effortlessly on regular days, when a few of our competitors from HSM came up to Adeline and I to congratulate us. They were trying to reassure us with words that we actually did deserve to win, and that our act was the best, even if our props were so disorganised.
What could I do? I couldn't let my face melt into a scowl or an expressionless mask that I would use ever so often to hide my emotions, they were trying t0 cheer us up, so I could only smile and thank them for trying to cheer us up. I guess I was also thankful for them because it gave me another excuse to concentrate on something else.
After we went back to the school's hostel hall, I gave the girls some time off to recompose themselves and make themselves comfortable before I told them the reasons as to why we lost. Then I had to hold a short Cha Cha session and a dance off to let them unwind after hearing the reasons when all I wanted was for the day to end. Unfortunately, I still had my duty to them as the director to pull everything together, so I summoned another facade and acted again.
After school, I met a couple of my friends and told them the news. When I was getting to the reasons, something in me just broke, to say the least. Tears started leaking from my eyes and it was all that I could do to stop myself from sobbing in front of my friends, the other students, the students' parents, and my own father. I really wish that I had a sign saying "Leave me alone for a few minutes so that I can recompose myself!!!" because I almost managed to pull myself together.
Unfortunately, my father chose the wrong time to have a protective streak, because he immediately came to me and asked what was going on. When my friends couldn't answer him because they didn't know who he was, and I couldn't answer him because I was desperately wrestling for control over my emotions, he took things into his own hands and said something stupid. While I can't remember what he said, I was really really angry. I rebuffed him and indirectly told, no, ordered him to take back his words. I didn't scream at him, but my voice was so hostile, so sharp, and yet so calm with a hint of deadliness in it that my father was taken aback.
It's safe to say that this was the beginning of my emotional breakdowns. The second one happened when I called up another friend of mine, desperately seeking comfort. I blurted out everything to him and started crying for real, tears and gasping, no snot. I really didn't want to cry, but the dam in me refused to hold up, so I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered dignity. At the very least, I managed to temporarily control myself for the time being.
I guess that the fact that he was there to help cheer me up helped slightly, that was one of the times where I was thankful to have a friend who was willing to listen through my tears and wait for me to finish instead of trying to make me stop. I let myself go a little so that I could feel better, but in doing so, I unconsciously clung onto him for comfort and didn't realise it until a few days later after my second breakdown.
I would constantly call him for the next few days, I had somethings to say, but I lacked the words to voice it out. I knew I was getting annoying, but he was unfortunately too nice to voice it through words, and did so through his actions. Well, they were subtle signs here and there, and I was getting pissed off with how I was acting, so I practically forced myself to get a grip and move on without a word. Unfortunately, it was still a little too early and I didn't think things through.
I immersed myself in all other activities in order to not think about it, and that led to my third breakdown. I was in Perak, Taiping to clean my ancestors' graves, and my father decided to teach me how to ride the motorbike. Damn it, of all the times to start thinking of drama. My thoughts were so divided I couldn't even focus on what he was trying to teach me, my mind was like a sieve and I was desperately trying to control my emotions and focus on what he was teaching me, knowing that he was getting frustrated with me as I am myself.
After we decided to give it a rest as we were going no where, I suddenly lashed out at my father, saying that he was the worst teacher that I ever had. He lashed back at me saying that I was the stupidest student he had ever had and started comparing me with my siblings. Of all the bloody things to do, he just had to compare me with my siblings. Now that I think of it, I can never ever find it in me to actually respect him, not now, not ever, because some scars were too deep to really be healed.
Anyway, I asked to be excused from all my other relatives to make a phone call. My nerves and emotions were already battered enough that I was practically shaking and my face was so pale. I can't really remember the exact details, but I think I called Adeline first, but she had her piano lesson then, so I had to hang up. Then I called another friend, but her phone was unning out of battery. Then another friend called me but unfortunately didn't do anything to ebb the flow of tears and pain. Finally, Adeline finished her class and called me.
I can't remember the exact details of what we talked about, but all I know is that I managed to compose myself, even when I was thinking of the one person who I would have prefered to call for some reason I have no idea why. Well screw it, I can't go one depending on people like this, neither am I a weak person who needs help.
Either way, if this can't help me sleep at night without nightmares, then I'm going to result to sleeping pills. God knows how much I need sleep.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I hate my !@#$% younger brother!
I am really really pissed off! The damned brat is going to really suffer one say when I get some laxatives to make him pay! He had the gall to declare like some sort of prince that my sister and I are to wash up the dishes after HE finished eating! He was the last to finish, and that means that he is supposed to wash up! Then after using the vacuum cleaner for no particular reason at all, he nearly dumped the whole pail full of dirty water on ME!!! Then he has the gall to act as though he owns the house or he is the king of the world!!!
Why the hell did my mother not abort him when she found out that she was pregnant with him even though he was unplanned?! She would have saved my sister and I from a hell lot of headaches! Simply put, I HATE HIM!!!!! God damn it!!! If I could kill him and get away with it I would have done it a long long long time ago when he gave me a black eye!
On second thought, I hope that one day he gets beaten up by some gang that he crossed at school because of his attitude. Since he's in a school that has quite a lot of delinquents, it shouldn't be much of a problem at all. He is such a stain to our image, imagine his 2 older sisters in a premier school and yet he chose to stay in a school like that! He has the grades to make it into another school that is much better and challenging for him, and yet he chose to stay at his current school because he doesn't want to lose control and power over his peers! Such a coward!!! He's rude not only to his seniors, he has no respect for authority and has such a high-handed attitude that it's surprising that he's lasted this long without getting ganged up on.
Actually just recently, he had injured his toe for one stupid reason or another, and his 'friend' stepped on it on purpose! Well good for him, I'm so smug and pleased that I would have congratulated and thanked his 'friend' in front of the brat and treat him to a good meal! What more, it was just a flesh wound, it didn't even need stitches/injections or anything! Just some disinfectant and bandages, and yet he treated it as though the wound would cripple him! Such an idiot, then again someone with his head stuck so far up his ass wouldn't be able to differentiate a minor wound from a major wound even if it struck him across the face with a dictionary!
Note to self, remember to inquire about what kind of laxatives are tasteless, harmless but pack enough punch to send him to the bathroom for an hour straight. Of course I wouldn't let him know, after all it would give me greater satisfaction to know that he won't have anyone to take revenge on. I'm pretty sure that my sister would support me in this prank of mine, if not then it's her loss.
I know I may seem cruel, but if you've lived with this brat for more than 13 years, then you'll be as happy as I am to start plotting on how to make him suffer.
Why the hell did my mother not abort him when she found out that she was pregnant with him even though he was unplanned?! She would have saved my sister and I from a hell lot of headaches! Simply put, I HATE HIM!!!!! God damn it!!! If I could kill him and get away with it I would have done it a long long long time ago when he gave me a black eye!
On second thought, I hope that one day he gets beaten up by some gang that he crossed at school because of his attitude. Since he's in a school that has quite a lot of delinquents, it shouldn't be much of a problem at all. He is such a stain to our image, imagine his 2 older sisters in a premier school and yet he chose to stay in a school like that! He has the grades to make it into another school that is much better and challenging for him, and yet he chose to stay at his current school because he doesn't want to lose control and power over his peers! Such a coward!!! He's rude not only to his seniors, he has no respect for authority and has such a high-handed attitude that it's surprising that he's lasted this long without getting ganged up on.
Actually just recently, he had injured his toe for one stupid reason or another, and his 'friend' stepped on it on purpose! Well good for him, I'm so smug and pleased that I would have congratulated and thanked his 'friend' in front of the brat and treat him to a good meal! What more, it was just a flesh wound, it didn't even need stitches/injections or anything! Just some disinfectant and bandages, and yet he treated it as though the wound would cripple him! Such an idiot, then again someone with his head stuck so far up his ass wouldn't be able to differentiate a minor wound from a major wound even if it struck him across the face with a dictionary!
Note to self, remember to inquire about what kind of laxatives are tasteless, harmless but pack enough punch to send him to the bathroom for an hour straight. Of course I wouldn't let him know, after all it would give me greater satisfaction to know that he won't have anyone to take revenge on. I'm pretty sure that my sister would support me in this prank of mine, if not then it's her loss.
I know I may seem cruel, but if you've lived with this brat for more than 13 years, then you'll be as happy as I am to start plotting on how to make him suffer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)