Drama: My Pride and Joy, and yet also one of my biggest Disappointments

It's a little overdue for me to be writing about something that has passed around 8 days ago, though I feel that if I write this down, maybe I'll be able to sleep peacefully at night without getting nightmares.

The drama competition had passed so quickly, and the fact that I lost in something that I placed so much of myself in really made my world spin off kilter. When I heard the results, the first thing in my mind was silence. I couldn't think of anything, I felt so numb and cold, and the only thing I could do was to pull a semblance of a facade together and remind myself and Adeline to clap for those who won as a show of good sportsmanship.

After that, I still had to hold on to it so that I could get my affairs into order. First was my team, and second were the well-wishers from the other schools. Two of my girls ended up crying and part of me was thankful, because it gave me something other than my splintering emotions to concentrate on.

I actually had to summon nearly all that was left of my strength just to plaster on a fake smile on my face, which was something I did regularly and effortlessly on regular days, when a few of our competitors from HSM came up to Adeline and I to congratulate us. They were trying to reassure us with words that we actually did deserve to win, and that our act was the best, even if our props were so disorganised.

What could I do? I couldn't let my face melt into a scowl or an expressionless mask that I would use ever so often to hide my emotions, they were trying t0 cheer us up, so I could only smile and thank them for trying to cheer us up. I guess I was also thankful for them because it gave me another excuse to concentrate on something else.

After we went back to the school's hostel hall, I gave the girls some time off to recompose themselves and make themselves comfortable before I told them the reasons as to why we lost. Then I had to hold a short Cha Cha session and a dance off to let them unwind after hearing the reasons when all I wanted was for the day to end. Unfortunately, I still had my duty to them as the director to pull everything together, so I summoned another facade and acted again.

After school, I met a couple of my friends and told them the news. When I was getting to the reasons, something in me just broke, to say the least. Tears started leaking from my eyes and it was all that I could do to stop myself from sobbing in front of my friends, the other students, the students' parents, and my own father. I really wish that I had a sign saying "Leave me alone for a few minutes so that I can recompose myself!!!" because I almost managed to pull myself together.

Unfortunately, my father chose the wrong time to have a protective streak, because he immediately came to me and asked what was going on. When my friends couldn't answer him because they didn't know who he was, and I couldn't answer him because I was desperately wrestling for control over my emotions, he took things into his own hands and said something stupid. While I can't remember what he said, I was really really angry. I rebuffed him and indirectly told, no, ordered him to take back his words. I didn't scream at him, but my voice was so hostile, so sharp, and yet so calm with a hint of deadliness in it that my father was taken aback.

It's safe to say that this was the beginning of my emotional breakdowns. The second one happened when I called up another friend of mine, desperately seeking comfort. I blurted out everything to him and started crying for real, tears and gasping, no snot. I really didn't want to cry, but the dam in me refused to hold up, so I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered dignity. At the very least, I managed to temporarily control myself for the time being.

I guess that the fact that he was there to help cheer me up helped slightly, that was one of the times where I was thankful to have a friend who was willing to listen through my tears and wait for me to finish instead of trying to make me stop. I let myself go a little so that I could feel better, but in doing so, I unconsciously clung onto him for comfort and didn't realise it until a few days later after my second breakdown.

I would constantly call him for the next few days, I had somethings to say, but I lacked the words to voice it out. I knew I was getting annoying, but he was unfortunately too nice to voice it through words, and did so through his actions. Well, they were subtle signs here and there, and I was getting pissed off with how I was acting, so I practically forced myself to get a grip and move on without a word. Unfortunately, it was still a little too early and I didn't think things through.

I immersed myself in all other activities in order to not think about it, and that led to my third breakdown. I was in Perak, Taiping to clean my ancestors' graves, and my father decided to teach me how to ride the motorbike. Damn it, of all the times to start thinking of drama. My thoughts were so divided I couldn't even focus on what he was trying to teach me, my mind was like a sieve and I was desperately trying to control my emotions and focus on what he was teaching me, knowing that he was getting frustrated with me as I am myself.

After we decided to give it a rest as we were going no where, I suddenly lashed out at my father, saying that he was the worst teacher that I ever had. He lashed back at me saying that I was the stupidest student he had ever had and started comparing me with my siblings. Of all the bloody things to do, he just had to compare me with my siblings. Now that I think of it, I can never ever find it in me to actually respect him, not now, not ever, because some scars were too deep to really be healed.

Anyway, I asked to be excused from all my other relatives to make a phone call. My nerves and emotions were already battered enough that I was practically shaking and my face was so pale. I can't really remember the exact details, but I think I called Adeline first, but she had her piano lesson then, so I had to hang up. Then I called another friend, but her phone was unning out of battery. Then another friend called me but unfortunately didn't do anything to ebb the flow of tears and pain. Finally, Adeline finished her class and called me.

I can't remember the exact details of what we talked about, but all I know is that I managed to compose myself, even when I was thinking of the one person who I would have prefered to call for some reason I have no idea why. Well screw it, I can't go one depending on people like this, neither am I a weak person who needs help.

Either way, if this can't help me sleep at night without nightmares, then I'm going to result to sleeping pills. God knows how much I need sleep.