What Do You See?

Every time you look at me,

I can't help but think to myself,

What do you see,

What can you see?

Do you see a spoiled, pampered princess,

Do you see a proud, strong woman,

Do you see an gullible, easy prey,

Or do you see a lost, helpless child?

I can't read minds,

As much as I wish for it to be possible,

But I'm willing to bet,

That you see anything and everything,

But the last.

I am who I am,

And there's nothing in this world,

That can change that fact,

But what you see in me,

Is what you only want to see.

I am so tired of smiling,

I just want to let go,

To be who I want to be,

But I still hold on to my mask,

For I know that you'll only hurt me in the end.

I'm singing the same old song again,

But this is because,

It is the only song I know,

As there is no one here,

That has taught me a new one.

This melody I sing,

I sing from the very depths of my soul,

Every word that I sing,

Soft as they are,

They are all that I am.

Accept me,

Deny me,

But don't ever try,

To change the person that I am,

To make me something that I'm not.

Reality

Spring to Autumn,
Summer to Winter,
Life to Death,
Warmth to Cold,
Passion to Indifference.

This is what that has become of my life,
Now that I am finally alone,
I am but a shell,
Going through the motions of life,
With the zest of one who is broken.

This is a nightmare over and over again,
For every time I think that I have found a replacement,
You have to come along,
Shattering the illusion that I've placed myself in,
Tearing apart my carefully constructed world.

Reality,
Why must you be so cruel?
Why can't you just allow me to stay as I am?
Why can't you just grant me this small respite,
From the pain that I'm going through as it is?

You are such a cruel friend to have,
But at the same time you're still the best teacher,
To teach me the lessons of life,
To teach me the characters of the world,
To teach me the pain of heartbreak.

One of these days,
I may just decide to repay the favour,
For what you once were,
I am now,
And I will not cease in reminding you of it.

What I am now,
You shall be,
And you shall regret ever making me suffer as such,
For once you remember the pain I'm going through now,
You will regret the purpose of your existence.

My Birthday Celebration

Well, it's been awhile since I updated, but rest assured that this post will not be as emo as the previous ones. In fact, this post will very much be on a lighter note.

My father called me on Friday night out of the blue, asking if I had any plans on Saturday night. When I said that I didn't, he suggested that we go out for dinner as a family to celebrate my 18th birthday. In fact, he drove up all the way to KL along with my siblings in tow just to do so. ^^

Anyway, he called up his brother and family, while I called my aunt (my mother's sister) to arrange for dinner at the South Sea restaurant near the Subang airport. My mother did not come along, but my grandmother did. All in all, it was quite a happy affair, and everyone enjoyed the food, which by the way costs a bomb -- RM1118.40.

We had two different types of crabs, a whole lot of prawns, la la, 3 different types of noodles, vegetables, steamed buns, and a dish named 4 seasons, which is actually four different types of dishes combined into one, and a few other dishes that I can't really remember.

Anyway, my sister and I ended up squabbling over one thing or another, among the few being the amount of Famous Amos cookies I owe her. She actually tried to raise the bar to 1500g even though 1000g was the amount that we agreed on before she brought my things over.

On the night of a birthday celebration, one would commonly end the night with a personalised version of "Happy Birthday" and cake, but mine was different. Because there wasn't any time to get a cake, I didn't have to sit through a round of the Birthday song. XD

Overall, tonight was quite enjoyable, but I wish that she came along instead of clinging on to an old grudge. Oh well, you can't have it all. I got a lot of red packets too, so it makes me feel better. ^^

Fade

Sigh, so much for new beginnings. Sure, I started off fine -- strong and pumped up, full of energy, but I find myself fading more and more into the woodwork as I progress. I'm often tired, and the friends I made are not enough to keep my spirits up, added with insomnia, my former energy level has dwindled to less than half that it was.

When did I become like this? Everything is a cycle once again, I'm no longer the ball of happiness and energy that I was, that went from one place to another without tiring, always leaving the impression of myself being happy go lucky and roaring to go on my next big adventure, with nothing having the ability to tie me down, to come and go as I wish.

So far, I've broken two friendships up on purpose in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, but at the painful cost of severing the bonds myself. It was a gradual process, purposeful misunderstanding, picking fights, being stupidly emotional over the completely wrong things, and finally, throwing a huge tantrum (well, as big as a tantrum as I can allow myself to throw) by being completely irrational towards them.

In the end, I got what I wanted. I managed to severe the bonds that held us together, I stopped myself from having my feelings tied too strongly towards them, but the price that I paid ended up to be more than I expected. It bloody hurt, damn it! I don't regret doing what I did though, because one of them is still an insensitive bastard, and as much as I miss the old times where they would escort me from one place to another, joking around, and just basically having a good time while enjoying each others' company, I guess this Ice Princess facade will continue to be my primary front for a long while. Despite everything, I have to admit that I don't really regret what I did, it was inevitable anyway.

However, I do wish that there was someone to banter and for the lack of a better word, squabble, with me over petty things just for the fun of it. It is one thing that I definitely thirst for, as not only is it amusing, but at the very least I can keep my mind sharp while having a little bit of fun. However, I definitely prefer doing this with a guy as I prefer challenging the opposite sex, something in me simply doesn't allow me to blatantly challenge a girl in that manner, and I think I'm upholding some weird twisted view of chivalry. Meh, doesn't matter. There's always people out there to argue with, and I look forward to meeting someone who enjoys doing it as much as I do. Although I can't help but wonder if what I really need is a boyfriend to bully, but that's a thought for another day.

On another note, Maths is positively killing me. I really don't get why the heck is it alluding me like this, up to the point where I find myself close to tears due to frustration. In fact, once I start wailing about it, my girl friends come running to comfort me, and to help me out, which is very much a good thing. I'm thankful for them too, because at the very least, I've someone to support me, and to hold me up when I'm down. Now that I think of it, it's probably the first time I've been in such a group, though I must say that I quite enjoy the feeling it gives me, and for the first time in a long while I'm not spinning my head off its axis to find the support that I need and can depend on.

Meh, my sleeping schedule is really off though, with me sleeping at odd irregular hours, up to the point where everyone says that I look tired even if I feel fine. My hair has lost its luster, my skin its glow, my spirit its fire, my smile has indefinitely lost its sincerity. Sigh, if I am going to be the kind of person with a limited range of emotions, the least my body could do was to support me by being the best that it can be. Meh, maybe I should go for a nose job, I do hate my nose.

All in all, I'm really tired of the way things are going, and the only reason as to why I'm posting this here is because I'm confident that none of those involved in my present life will ever ever read this. Murphy's Law had better not mess this up for me, or there'll be hell to pay.

Will You Watch Me Tonight?

The moon shines bright tonight,

But the stars are no where to be seen,

A cold chill surrounds me,

As I sit silently,

Within my gold glided cage.

Like a doll,

I sing, smile and dance,

All to your bidding,

Never to be free,

Never to live as I wish.

I hate you for what you've done to me,

I hate you for making me feel like this,

But most of all,

I hate myself for believing in your lies,

Like the fool of a child that I was.

Dearest, Love, Darling,

Let my honeyed words cloud your mind,

As I wait for the perfect opportunity,

To finally be free,

Even as my hands are stained with your lifeblood.

On that very night,

The moon shall shine bright,

As brightly as the night I gave in to you,

But I can't help but wonder,

If the stars will be watching me then.

The World Has Never Been So Cold

Loneliness seeps through every fiber of my being,
As I struggle to hold on tight to that single thread of hope,
Because I know that if I let go,
I will drown in misery.

I know not the reason for my melancholy,
But I do know that I need them with me,
But who I need more,
I know not.

Loneliness clenches its cold hand around my heart,
As I slowly suffocate under the pressure of my own fears,
I reach out to them,
Knowing that they will extend their hands to me.

Alas,
My voice cannot be heard,
My tears cannot be seen,
My touch cannot be felt.

Was my silent wish not apparent enough?
Perhaps they saw not my inner suffering,
Where each smile hid a tear,
Where each laugh hid a wail.

My heart wants to be seen,
My heart wants to be heard,
My heart wants to finally be acknowledged,
But my mind struggles to keep it all hidden.

I sink to my knees,
Where I try one last time,
To make my distress known,
To make myself heard.

I give up at last,
Because it's apparent,
That there is no one here,
Who will ever see me.

I let go at last,
And fade away into the background,
Walking along a fine line,
I wonder how long it will be,
Before I finally give up,
And fall into the abyss below.

Drowning in a sea of emotions

Shock, shame, numbness, horror, realization....

Whoever thought that someone like me would feel these emotions all at the same time, and be so badly affected by it that my brain nearly shut down in defense.

What the hell have I been doing to myself? I don't even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? What am I doing? I seem to have lost my purpose, and for some reason I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror because I can't stand looking at the shadow of my former self.

I'm never usually this reckless, every move I make I calculate and execute with precision and timing, and I never do things that borderline dangerous for my reputation. I always play it safe, and I never take unnecessary risks, so why am I acting like this now?

Honor, pride, dignity, self-possession....

Where have these values that I hold so dear to my heart gone to? This time, perhaps the only person that I can blame is myself, and while I can still salvage the pieces, it will never be whole again.

Once again, I truly am a fool, and I wish...

I wish....

For a wish that will probably never be fulfilled, for as long as I continue to hold that part of me back, and for as long as I hold those fears too close to my heart.

Screams ripped through my throat,
As I struggle with chains heavy with guilt,
I tried and tried again,
But I couldn't move,
I couldn't see,
I couldn't make sense,
With the fog all around me;
Left to flounder on my own,
I wonder,
If anyone will ever hear my screams,
Will someone finally wipe away my tears,
And hold me as I cry,
Even as I try to make sense of the confusion within me?

University Life

Well, it has certainly been a long time since I even touched this blog, quite a few of you might even accuse me of abandoning it. Well, never fear, because I'm back, and with quite a bit of news too! XD

I suppose that some of you here might have noticed the change in my writing style, or at least the tone and emotion of my post. It certainly is a lot lighter than my previous ones, don't you think?

I'm having quite a good time in Nottingham, and I certainly don't regret studying here, because I've met quite a few friends and while there's not a lot of eye-candy, there's some that I wouldn't mind looking at. Of course, non of the guys here have managed to capture my interest or my heart for that matter, so your Ice Princess is still in her indestructible palace.

On another note, I guess I've grown a lot more confident now, though I still retract into my shell at times, but all in all I'm a lot more outgoing, and I'm doing quite well in classes. It's so surprising that the lecturers here have clearer voices compared to secondary school even though the room is way bigger and there're many more students. I've no problem keeping up with the lectures at all even with my hearing problem, so I should be able to do well, though I still need to find the drive to actually start studying.

Ice Breaking Night was quite fun, and my team managed to get 3rd place overall. If you're on my Facebook list of friends, you might have noticed 2 pictures-- one of me bizarrely wrapped in toilet paper, and another of me in the bathroom. I didn't have to run through the fountain, thank God, but the toilet paper bride was the price I paid for it.

For those of you who know me to be a spoilt princess who can't do housework to save my life, I have to say that you're really wrong. Why? Because I'm hand washing all my clothes, I clean my own room, I sweep and mop my own floor too! Hmph! I deserve a medal for this! Lol, but even so, my hands are surprisingly still as soft and smooth as they were when I didn't do any housework, but that's probably because I've been using some rather expensive lotions after I do housework.

On another note, my skin condition doesn't seem to be improving. While my blackheads are slowly going away, I seem to have a weird outbreak of sorts. Nothing major, but it seems that pimples are coming out more often on my T-zone, but it's one at a time, so it's controllable.

I seemed to have lost some weight, which is good, and 2 of my guy friends have been trying to reassure me that my figure is fine, and that I didn't need to lose anymore. In fact, I received some rather positive feedback when I wore a sleeveless racer back t-shirt that my mother bought for Charlotte when she was 9, which makes the shirt 7 years old, but she has never it before, so did I, until today that is.

Still, I need to work on my thighs, since they're still rather flabby, but my skin colour is starting to turn white again, which will probably prompt Charlotte to call me a vampire, as usual. Even so, isn't that a good thing? After all, my previous skin colour was something many girls envied and wanted, but they never quite got to the same colour, especially when my skin practically glowed an reflect light in the sun.

I also tried to pick up tennis, but I don't seem to have an aptitude for the sport, especially when I accidentally hit my instructor with the tennis ball. Truth be told, I wasn't even aiming when I hit it, I was concentrating more on trying to hit it (I'm so so sorry, Tishaan! XD). I also forgot to bring my swimsuit with me, so I've not been able to try out the pool at all, even though I love swimming. I also sit 20 sets of sit ups yesterday while at the gym, which caused my stomach muscles to stage a royal riot this morning when I woke up.

What more, because Sandra was staying over, I practically rolled out of bed because I couldn't sit up at all. It was worse when I took an evening nap, because by then fatigue fully set it, which caused me to be unable to sit up or roll over at all! In the end, my bathroom mate, Jolene, had to pull me up and out of bed. *Pout* By the way, I slept at 4.30 a.m. because I was too busy having a major chatting session with Jolene and Sandra to notice the time. at the same time, I was also chatting with Edmen and Helmi, so one could say that I was multi-tasking.

Even with quite a few things going my way, there's one minor setback that I find particularly irritating now. I'm having problems with academic writing, and it's in English too. Well, I guess it's not too much of a surprise since my writing style has aways been towards creative writing. Then again, English is not my best subject for nothing, and I swear I will conquer it like I always do, quote Julius Caesar, "I came, I saw, I conquered", unquote.

All in all, I'm not really sure what else to say, since this is just about what I can remember from my days here.

M&R Manufacturing Sdn. Bhd. Annual Dinner

Tonight was really something that I would not forget, not ever if I've become old and wrinkly. First of all, I was the MC for the dinner. Second, I actually wore a skirt after swearing it off. Third of all, my feet are aching so much that I don't think that I would be able to forget the sensation of it for as long as I live.

All in all, tonight's dinner was a total success. The beginning was a little choppy since we were just getting started, but as the lucky draw was going on, everyone's attention was diverted to the cookie tin we used, each hoping that they would be the ones getting lucky. When I was on the stage, the gap on it (the stage is actually made of several sections) widened so much that when I stepped backwards, my heel actually sank into the gap, nearly causing me to fall in front of the audience. Thankfully, I regained my balance, and managed to preserve my dignity.

I was quite happy to hear all the compliments I got, it boosted my self confidence a lot, and because of it I managed to go through the whole dinner without making a mistake (when I was on stage) and was quite successful in getting the crowd to interact with me.

I wore a black long sleeved turtleneck, a white vest and a dark brown skirt with a pair of gorgeous yet excruciatingly painful 3 and a 1/2 inch heels. The skirt and heels actually showed off my legs to its best advantage, while my upper body was really covered up. The fashion rule of choosing between your cleavage or legs was really put to good use here, and for that I'm really glad. I didn't use any makeup, which was a good thing since by walking back and forth the whole room, I caused my cheeks to turn red, which gave me a natural blush. My hair was styled in such a way that it was slightly wavy bu spiked outwards at the ends. Along with it being red in colour, it suited my pale skin really well.

I also drank quite a bit of beer, which I must add that it was really good beer, and didn't get drunk at all, unlike my father who drank uncontrollably till he became drunk. On the bright side, he didn't puke. Thank God for that, because if he did I would have throttled him.

The final lucky draw was definitely the best part of the night, since everyone was fixated on the numbers I was announcing. The ultimate grand prize went to a rather good looking guy some where near my age, whose girlfriend also won a hamper. Actually, the table was the recipient of quite a few prizes, lucky them.

As for my feet, I will never again wear stilettos if I'm going to walk for more than 4 hours straight! I barely ate anything because I was too busy running around making sure that everything was going smoothly, and when I did get to have a seat, I found myself picking up a few pieces of food here and there while waiting to begin the next program. Even so, I didn't regret a single thing, because for the first time in a while I actually felt that I was in power. I simply love the feeling it gives me, and I didn't have to sit around and make idle talk because I was too busy running the show.

On another note, I think that I might have a pervert on my tail. He's actually a Vietnamese who works in the production line, who was also the spur of the moment cameraman. He took quite a few pictures of me when I was on stage, and at the end of the dinner, he asked to take a picture with me. He actually held my waist in a vice-like grip and tried to hold my chin when we were posing for the camera, but I pushed his hand away before his friend pressed the button. I was already somewhat nervous when he grabbed my waist, but when he held my chin, I felt so creeped out that I nearly recoiled from him! Unfortunately, etiquette demands that I plaster a smile on my face and pretend that it didn't really affect me at all, so I had to bear with his grip until the picture was taken. After that, I immediately extricated myself from his grip. It was a good thing that he released me soon after, because if he didn't, he would have found himself to be the last of his line. Seriously, the only people I would allow to do that would be my cousins and close friends.

He was practically a stranger, I didn't know his name, neither do I remember what he looks like! I sincerely hope that he would not do anything to make me demand the immediate termination of his contract, because if he tries anything funny, I will make sure that he is sent back immediately. Luckily, I do not have much reason to go to the factory area, and even then I'm always surrounded by the other employees that I trust. I can only hope that my identity as the Managing Director's daughter will protect me from his unwanted advances, and that the other employees around me would come to my rescue if I should find myself in an unwanted situation.

On the bright side, I'll be leaving the company soon, probably during March, and his contract expires next year. With any luck, I would not be meeting him again any time soon.

Enough about him. There was also another rather good looking guy who was rather friendly, and we chatted for a while about wine, songs and some other things that I can't remember. If he was a corporate climber, I wouldn't mind entertaining the thought of making him fall in love with me. However, he was merely a factory worker, therefore such a thought was mercilessly crushed and smashed into smithereens before it could get any further. Besides, I would prefer someone who speaks really good English, because my Chinese is rather weak. Oh well, it wouldn't hurt to make him dream of me, since it does feed my ego.

All in all, I enjoyed myself, and was asked to be the MC again for next year's annual dinner, which I will definitely not miss.

Absence Does Indeed Make The Heart Fonder

A new year, a new beginning. I didn't realise it, but I have been wanting one for a long time already.

In many ways, I'm really glad that the 'fight' happened when it did, it was necessary for me and for our friendship in a roundabout way. I don't know what it did for them, but I found that I actually treasured it more than anything else in my life, and that's saying a lot, since I'm a naturally selfish person.

After breaking off from the group, I had to reprioritize myself and find myself beneath all those facades and masks that I created to push everyone else away from myself. I had used them for too long until I longer remembered myself, instead going blindly with the flow with a show of false bravado and arrogance.

It took awhile, but I managed to find myself again, and while I might stumble and fall a few times along the road, I will never let it go. After that, I made a rather impulsive decision to cut my hair into a shoulder length style, not to mention dyed it a rather intense dark red colour. Those who remembered the last time I did that would probably remember the fuss I made, not to mention the complaints, grumbles and groans. Well, I actually like the change this time. I look better, and felt so free when it was finally done. In a way, the haircut was somewhat symbolic.

Seriously, when the holidays started, I practically turned into a workaholic who did OT almost every single day. My body ran on autopilot and I felt as though I was watching everything from another perspective. After awhile, I caved and decided to just go with my gut. Since then, I've not regretted anything at all, except for a nagging feeling that tells me that I should have coloured my hair dark purple instead of red.

I'm still hanging in limbo now because of the darn government. Seriously, is it that difficult to just sort all the trainees into their respective batches when they select us to go for NS training and announce the list a few months before it starts?! It would make things a hell lot easier for us since we don't have to scramble to get everything done just in time for it. Honestly, do they really think that we've all the time in the world to just sit down and wait for them to place us?! Most of us here are planning to further our educations damn it! You're wasting our precious time, and I don't like that, at all! I swear, if they place me in the third batch, I will skip NS entirely and go straight for college! I don't have time to wait around for it to come around, I no longer have the luxury of time anymore.

This post is rather random, and sounds like I'm merely saying whatever that comes into my mind, with no real arrangement or structure. Oh well, I couldn't care less.