My my, what a lot of overbearingly depressing feelings I had in the last post. It's really surprising indeed, about the amount of emotional pain I went through because of a dying friendship. The pain, tears and grief weren't worth it, but I wonder what made me cling on to that last shred of hope before finally giving in and letting go.
Was it sheer stubborness and the fighting spirit in me who simply refuses to let go and admit defeat? Was it Pride who told me to hold on so as not to lose face? Was is the fear of being alone and miserable while everyone including her had a best friend or closest friend to lean on to? Was it Loyalty who made me feel that there was still something left between us that could be salvaged? Was it my memories of the times we had together that made me hold on? Was it the sheer desperation that made me lose my grip on my emotions as I struggled to repair it?
Whatever it was, I will never know. On the other hand, I might already know, whether or not I'll admit it to myself. Looking back on that, it might be the catalyst that made me do some soul searching. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this who I really am?
Am I a cold, unfeeling and nearly emotionless person? Am I a proud, self-assured and confident person? Am I a person who hides all her true thoughts behind a mask while deluding and deceiving people into thinking what they may think? Am I a happy-go-lucky, open and honest person? Am I a sad, lonely and insecure person? Am I a selfish, possessive and greedy person?
Who am I, I might never really know. The soul searching I did didn't yield much results at all, but I did realise that throughout this whole chapter, I was never really myself. What was I really like, how did I once act, who I really was, I don't remember anymore. In shaping myself into another person just for the sake of pleasing others, I lost a part of myself then and there. Were her opinions so important to me that I would forget myself in trying to be what she wanted me to be?
Perhaps they were, I could spend so much time changing myself, trying to fit in, but I could never completely fit into her world. No matter how much I want to be her most important friend, I will always be the last and the least. There'll always be someone else that she thinks off before me to tell her stories to, there'll always be someone else that she'll go to when she's sad, there'll always be someone else that she'll lean on, and that someone will never be me. She'll never come to me first unless I'm her last resort, it'll always be me going to her like a puppy after its master. She'll never look at me and think of me as anything else but a friend, and only a friend, not like the best friend I wish I could be to her.
I probably sound as though I'm in love with her, which is absolutely laughable in so many ways, but when I think about it, friendship can often be more important and stronger than love alone. I haven't forgotten the last time I chose friendship over love, and look where it landed me. I lost them both. Love because I chose to believe in lies, friendship because it was never true to begin with. I can cry, I can beg, I can scream and shout all I want, but I can never gain back what I had lost. I didn't think that I'd make the same mistake again, but perhaps it was inevitable.
I wish I could have someone there for me, someone that I could trust my secrets with, and trust that she would do the same for me. I wish that I could come in first, I wish that I could speak without fear of losing her friendship and loyalty, I wish that I could be my true self with her. I could wish for so many things, I could wish for a person like that to show up and be mine, someone I could call my bestest and closest friend, but I can only wish.
I thought that I might have found it in her, but I guess she never did find it in me. In many ways, I might have fooled myself with false words that she did. Such was my foolishness in the past, such was my desperation for understanding and belonging. Such was my unfulfilled and unending hope, and never again will it happen.
I have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but I will never allow anyone to come close enough to hurt me so deeply like this again. Like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes, but I will never allow my death to happen again. I thought too highly of you before, and now you're nothing but a regret and a hollow ache in the depths of my freezing heart, and I'll never forget this lesson that I've learnt.
I'll open the doors to my cage and spread my wings, letting the winds guide me as I soar in the sky. I'll untie my blindfold and open my eyes, letting the light of the new day fill me with hope. I'll break off my bindings, and face my challenges head on. I'll turn my face to the wind, and embrace the feel of its presence against my skin. I'll start moving on again, and let the current of life take me to my next destination.
With that, I'll finally close the last chapter to this book of my life.
