Will You Watch Me Tonight?

The moon shines bright tonight,

But the stars are no where to be seen,

A cold chill surrounds me,

As I sit silently,

Within my gold glided cage.

Like a doll,

I sing, smile and dance,

All to your bidding,

Never to be free,

Never to live as I wish.

I hate you for what you've done to me,

I hate you for making me feel like this,

But most of all,

I hate myself for believing in your lies,

Like the fool of a child that I was.

Dearest, Love, Darling,

Let my honeyed words cloud your mind,

As I wait for the perfect opportunity,

To finally be free,

Even as my hands are stained with your lifeblood.

On that very night,

The moon shall shine bright,

As brightly as the night I gave in to you,

But I can't help but wonder,

If the stars will be watching me then.

The World Has Never Been So Cold

Loneliness seeps through every fiber of my being,
As I struggle to hold on tight to that single thread of hope,
Because I know that if I let go,
I will drown in misery.

I know not the reason for my melancholy,
But I do know that I need them with me,
But who I need more,
I know not.

Loneliness clenches its cold hand around my heart,
As I slowly suffocate under the pressure of my own fears,
I reach out to them,
Knowing that they will extend their hands to me.

Alas,
My voice cannot be heard,
My tears cannot be seen,
My touch cannot be felt.

Was my silent wish not apparent enough?
Perhaps they saw not my inner suffering,
Where each smile hid a tear,
Where each laugh hid a wail.

My heart wants to be seen,
My heart wants to be heard,
My heart wants to finally be acknowledged,
But my mind struggles to keep it all hidden.

I sink to my knees,
Where I try one last time,
To make my distress known,
To make myself heard.

I give up at last,
Because it's apparent,
That there is no one here,
Who will ever see me.

I let go at last,
And fade away into the background,
Walking along a fine line,
I wonder how long it will be,
Before I finally give up,
And fall into the abyss below.

Drowning in a sea of emotions

Shock, shame, numbness, horror, realization....

Whoever thought that someone like me would feel these emotions all at the same time, and be so badly affected by it that my brain nearly shut down in defense.

What the hell have I been doing to myself? I don't even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? What am I doing? I seem to have lost my purpose, and for some reason I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror because I can't stand looking at the shadow of my former self.

I'm never usually this reckless, every move I make I calculate and execute with precision and timing, and I never do things that borderline dangerous for my reputation. I always play it safe, and I never take unnecessary risks, so why am I acting like this now?

Honor, pride, dignity, self-possession....

Where have these values that I hold so dear to my heart gone to? This time, perhaps the only person that I can blame is myself, and while I can still salvage the pieces, it will never be whole again.

Once again, I truly am a fool, and I wish...

I wish....

For a wish that will probably never be fulfilled, for as long as I continue to hold that part of me back, and for as long as I hold those fears too close to my heart.

Screams ripped through my throat,
As I struggle with chains heavy with guilt,
I tried and tried again,
But I couldn't move,
I couldn't see,
I couldn't make sense,
With the fog all around me;
Left to flounder on my own,
I wonder,
If anyone will ever hear my screams,
Will someone finally wipe away my tears,
And hold me as I cry,
Even as I try to make sense of the confusion within me?