Sigh, so much for new beginnings. Sure, I started off fine -- strong and pumped up, full of energy, but I find myself fading more and more into the woodwork as I progress. I'm often tired, and the friends I made are not enough to keep my spirits up, added with insomnia, my former energy level has dwindled to less than half that it was.
When did I become like this? Everything is a cycle once again, I'm no longer the ball of happiness and energy that I was, that went from one place to another without tiring, always leaving the impression of myself being happy go lucky and roaring to go on my next big adventure, with nothing having the ability to tie me down, to come and go as I wish.
So far, I've broken two friendships up on purpose in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, but at the painful cost of severing the bonds myself. It was a gradual process, purposeful misunderstanding, picking fights, being stupidly emotional over the completely wrong things, and finally, throwing a huge tantrum (well, as big as a tantrum as I can allow myself to throw) by being completely irrational towards them.
In the end, I got what I wanted. I managed to severe the bonds that held us together, I stopped myself from having my feelings tied too strongly towards them, but the price that I paid ended up to be more than I expected. It bloody hurt, damn it! I don't regret doing what I did though, because one of them is still an insensitive bastard, and as much as I miss the old times where they would escort me from one place to another, joking around, and just basically having a good time while enjoying each others' company, I guess this Ice Princess facade will continue to be my primary front for a long while. Despite everything, I have to admit that I don't really regret what I did, it was inevitable anyway.
However, I do wish that there was someone to banter and for the lack of a better word, squabble, with me over petty things just for the fun of it. It is one thing that I definitely thirst for, as not only is it amusing, but at the very least I can keep my mind sharp while having a little bit of fun. However, I definitely prefer doing this with a guy as I prefer challenging the opposite sex, something in me simply doesn't allow me to blatantly challenge a girl in that manner, and I think I'm upholding some weird twisted view of chivalry. Meh, doesn't matter. There's always people out there to argue with, and I look forward to meeting someone who enjoys doing it as much as I do. Although I can't help but wonder if what I really need is a boyfriend to bully, but that's a thought for another day.
On another note, Maths is positively killing me. I really don't get why the heck is it alluding me like this, up to the point where I find myself close to tears due to frustration. In fact, once I start wailing about it, my girl friends come running to comfort me, and to help me out, which is very much a good thing. I'm thankful for them too, because at the very least, I've someone to support me, and to hold me up when I'm down. Now that I think of it, it's probably the first time I've been in such a group, though I must say that I quite enjoy the feeling it gives me, and for the first time in a long while I'm not spinning my head off its axis to find the support that I need and can depend on.
Meh, my sleeping schedule is really off though, with me sleeping at odd irregular hours, up to the point where everyone says that I look tired even if I feel fine. My hair has lost its luster, my skin its glow, my spirit its fire, my smile has indefinitely lost its sincerity. Sigh, if I am going to be the kind of person with a limited range of emotions, the least my body could do was to support me by being the best that it can be. Meh, maybe I should go for a nose job, I do hate my nose.
All in all, I'm really tired of the way things are going, and the only reason as to why I'm posting this here is because I'm confident that none of those involved in my present life will ever ever read this. Murphy's Law had better not mess this up for me, or there'll be hell to pay.
