I'm so tired you know, day in day out I try my very best to make you happy, to see you smile and to hear your laugh. Your happiness is mine, but what about my own happiness? Have you ever actively tried to make me happy? Just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that I'm happy you know, think about it. Have you ever actively tried to make me happy, to do something for the sole sake of seeing me smile and laugh?
He asked me "where's your sense of security, the one that made you picture a future with him?", and to be honest I'm caught like a deer in headlights because I had never thought about it before. I've so many things to tell you, so many things that I want to tell you, but I can't because you'll only say "sad that you think that way" and make me think that I was the one at fault, that it was my fault that I didn't "see" what you were "doing" and what you have "done". Even after that, you won't do anything else to change the way I felt or the way I think about the situation, you just leave me there to pick up the pieces, to gloss over the whole situation as though everything is really fine and dandy.
You think that everything is fine, that nothing is wrong and that you haven't done anything wrong at all, you refuse to just put on my shoes for a while, and think thoroughly about everything that I said. You keep saying that you'll try to wipe my tears away, but every time I cry, you never do until I remind you to, or until a long time has passed. Doesn't bore you to see me crying so often? Why can't you just stop making me cry? Why can't you stop breaking my heart? Why can't I just let go?
Everything I do is wrong, everything I think you did or didn't do is just a figment of my imagination, and that in actuality you did do a lot to make me happy. Do you know how jealous I am of her? Because for that few months you were in love, she was your whole world. Even now you're still so close, you got mad and distressed when I was in close proximity alone with a friend, but what about me? What about my feelings when you tell me that you were alone with her the entire time doing the things we do together whenever we go there? I've been trying to make you understand how I feel, but did you even get the message at all?
I wanted you to text me before you sleep, it was important to me that you remembered to, because not only you said you would, but because in some ways you actually thought about me before you ended your day. Every time you forget to do it, I wake up disappointed, but I keep telling myself to smile because I keep holding on to the hope and thought that you'll remember tomorrow. "It's alright, no need to get upset about it, there's always tomorrow, he'll definitely remember." How many times do I need to console myself with that before I finally lose hope?
Love is the glue that holds me together, the one that makes me get up after each and every fall. Every time I feel like giving up, I think about you smiling at me, telling me that you love me, all the good times we have shared, all the times we cried together. I find strength from there to keep picking myself up and to keep trying my very best to make things work, in hopes that one day somehow some way, everything will turn out alright, and that I will have my happy ending with you in the end. But pray tell, how long more can that glue hold me together before it hardens and becomes brittle, before falling apart in pieces?
You know, no matter how much I write, it will all be for naught as you will never bother to read it. You probably don't even remember that I have a blog, you don't even bother anymore, so tell me why is it that I still do? Dennis, I'm begging you, with all my heart, please hear my silent plea. I'm begging you, please just truly listen to me whenever I try to tell you something, and not wait until you yourself have something you find wrong with me before being open to anything. You say that you express your love for me through actions, but where are they? Where are the actions that you claim express your love for me?
Dennis, I love you so much, so much that it hurts, but for my sake and for yours, I can't even allow you to know how I feel. Day in day out I've to pretend that I'm not in love with you yet so that you wouldn't feel pressured, but how long more can I last, and how much more can I take before I finally break forever? I'm so full of cracks now, every time I fall apart, I rely on Love to pull me together, to hold me together so that I can last through this bitter storm, so that I can continue working for my happiness.
I love you, so please love me enough to see that I'm suffering beneath my smiles. Notice how I never really laugh when I'm with you anymore? Notice the sheer brilliance of my smiles? Notice the unshed tears in my eyes? Notice the desperation in the things I do for you? If you love me at all, please just notice me. Really look at me and see everything that I'm hiding under my happy façade, turn away from the memory of her and really look at me. I'm here now, not her, so please just look at me.
I love you...
Posts
