Turbulence

"Distance is not for the fearful,

It is for the Bold

It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time,

In exchange for a little Time with the one they Love."

Got this quote from blog-hopping, and I've to admit it's true in so many ways, and as such I'm going to preserve it here. My emotions have been going on a wild tangent these days, where I find myself losing control of myself at times. I find it odd really, that something like this should happen to me, especially when I thought I had controlled myself well enough.

Being the Ice Queen was simple really, I didn't have to give a damn about anyone else besides myself, and I came and go as I wish, caring not for others. However, I find myself at loss for words as to explain my situation now. Sigh, this emotional roller coaster is tiring, I'm so tired of this turbulence in my emotions.

I want to talk to you, I want to hold your attention, I want your eyes on me, I want to fill your mind, and your heart to be mine. It's a little too much to ask for isn't it? But this is what I want, even if I can't always get it. You said that you're afraid of losing me, but honestly speaking, I wonder if you even mean what you said, let alone remember it.

Do you really mean what you say, when you say that you're afraid of losing me? Because I honestly don't see it happening, perhaps I'm too plain and unattractive that you're sure that other guys will not notice me, let alone try to steal me away, hence your complacence.

I don't know what to say to you, I don't know what to talk about with you, despite wanting to hold a conversation, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I envy them you know, how it's so easy for you to find something to talk about, but when it comes to me, it seems to me that you focus more on your games and whatever else that you're doing.

Perhaps I'm not interesting enough for you? Since there doesn't seem to be anything to talk about between us, and you don't even try to accommodate my whims to see you through the webcam, even though it's the most convenient means of doing so. I miss you, day in day out, the only constant in my emotions is that feeling of missing you.

I know we apparently text each other a lot, but it's not the same as seeing you smiling back at me. This feeling, this miserable feeling, is so acute and leaves a hollow ache in me, and I can only wonder if I affect you as much as you affect me.

You never hold my hand like you used to when you drive, your hands are always tightly locked on the steering wheel nowadays. I miss the times when you would reach out for me and hold on to me tightly, sometimes dropping a light kiss on my knuckles, bringing a smile to my face. Even when I place my hand on your thigh when you drive, you don't even hold it anymore. I miss the times when you would do it as soon as you're able, but you don't even do that now.

I long for the days when we first started, I long for the control I once used to have, I long for you to kiss away the tears that are streaming down my cheeks now as I write this, but most of all I long for you to hold me tight and tell me that you don't ever want to lose me.

Here I am, shivering despite the heat, crying as I pen my thoughts here, but I highly doubt that you'll even read this. When will I see you working as hard as I am now to keep this relationship? If I were to suddenly disappear from your life for the next few weeks, will you even notice my absence? Do you even know how much I care for you??!

Screw you, damn you, go to hell! I'm so sad, and yet I'm so angry! I'm angry at myself for being so affected by you, I'm angry at my own helplessness, I'm angry for being so emotionally needy, I'm angry at my own insecurity, I'm angry because I know that somehow no matter what I do, it isn't enough...

There was always a reason as to why I loved the colour of blood, but of course, no one really notices anything, because this is my own dirty little secret. Blood red, the colour of the lifeblood that flows in me, how beautiful it is, especially if it stains the white of the floor, drawing me in even more. It's delicious really, this thrill I get at times, this longing, and it wouldn't be long before I stop resisting this pull. Maybe, just maybe....

Oh, and I also found this article here, quite interesting really:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. A depressed person will experience or display some of the following:

• Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and/or pessimism.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Contemplating suicide of suicide attempt
• Problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Persistent aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment
• Irritability or restlessness
• Insomnia, waking early, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Loss of interest in activities that once were pleasurable (e.g., hobbies, sex, social activities, etc.)

Interesting isn't it? But I wonder if it's really obvious for everyone, and if can be easily diagnosed...

Would You Listen?

Why is it that I find myself crying more and more these days?

Do you even know how much your words hurt me at times,

Even when you don't mean them to?

You may think that I'm being too sensitive,

But I really don't know what else to do.

I'm trying,

I really am,

But you just don't know how much you really affect me.

I'm so tired of crying,

I don't even know why I'm holding on anymore.

I'm under so much stress,

I can't eat,

I can't sleep,

I can only curl up and cry.

I just need you to hold me,

And to tell me that everything will be fine,

Like you used to,

But you don't even do that anymore.

Look at me,

And tell me who do you see,

Because all I see now,

Is a fading picture,

Of who I used to be.

I don't know how long I can hold on anymore,

I need a break,

I need reassurance.

I need someone to be strong for me once in a while,

So that I can take a break from being strong too.

I'm so tired,

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I can't keep this up any longer,

I'm breaking under the pressure,

I'm finally breaking after all these years.

This is truly laughable,

Who would have thought that I would be the first to break,

After all the times I've proven myself too strong to be broken.

I guess,

That in the end it was all a matter of time,

When my strength becomes a weakness,

And drives me into loneliness,

Where I'll finally begin to fall apart.

Please,

Make it stop,

Take my pain away,

Make me forget,

I just want to sleep.

I haven't truly slept in ages you know?

I need my rest too,

Someone please make it happen,

I can't stand this anymore.

Is there anyone out there,

Who'll hear my screams,

Who'll see my tears,

Who'll set me free,

From this cage that I've placed myself in?

But honestly,

Who on earth will do that anyway?

I'm suffering in silence now,

Putting on a mask everyday,

Pretending that everything is as fine as it should be,

Even when I'm not fine.

I'm suffering in silence now,

Because I can't tell anyone.

Who would listen anyway,

They'll never believe me,

Because I'm too strong to fall like.

No one would listen,

No matter how much I try to tell them,

No one would,

So I can only keep my pain to myself,

Even as it consumes me.

Can You See?

Can you see me now,

The state at which I'm in,

Where despair and sadness cloaks me,

Where I can no longer pretend to smile?

I'm so tired,

So tired of putting up a front,

Pretending to be strong,

Even when I'm at my weakest.

I just need you to hold me,

To reassure me,

To tell me that everything is alright,

To make me feel safe.

But I can't tell you all of that,

Because I'm supposed to be strong,

I'm supposed to stand tall,

Even when I feel alone inside.

Listen closely for once,

Hear the emotions in my voice,

Find the hidden meanings in my words,

Look at me beyond my masks and facades.

Please, just this once,

I beg of you,

To see me for who I am,

Instead of who I show myself to be.

I'm not as strong as you think I am,

I cry like any other girls do,

I can feel lonely at times,

I have a heart and emotions too.

Just this once,

Look at me closely,

And tell me what you see,

Because I suspect you see only a lie.

Who Are You?

You're honestly a pathetic mess,

Who the hell are you,

And what have you done to yourself,

To the point that you're so easily hurt?!

Screw all this,

It took years to build up those walls,

With the purpose of protecting yourself,

But it took only days to tear them down.

Look at yourself now,

Look at what you've become,

Look at those wasted tears,

Look at that cracked and wounded heart!

Where are your shields,

Where are your blades,

Where are your masks,

And where are your lines?

Who are you now?

What are you trying to do to yourself?

Stop this nonsense at once,

Before you destroy yourself.

Wake up from your dreams,

See all that is around you,

Take control of yourself once again,

And I'll be here waiting for you.

Promises

Go on,

Make another promise again,

Convince me on how much you mean to keep it,

Because I don't believe that you can.

Empty,

All of them are empty,

You've made countless others,

But none you have kept.

I'm sick and tired of this disappointment,

That only you can bring me,

But even when I know how foolish I am,

I still hold on.

I still hold on to that hope,

That you will one day keep them,

I still hold on,

Because I want to believe.

So tell me,

Will you disappoint me again,

By making yet another empty promise,

Or will you finally man up and fulfill it?

I look forward to the day,

When I finally find my answer,

But a part of me shies back,

Because I'm afraid of what I shall find then.

Tonight

I want to see the stars tonight,

But all I see are clouds,

I want to smile happily tonight,

But I can only frown.

The moon shines alone in the sky,

And I wonder if she feels as lonely,

As desolate,

As I feel right now.

You promised me,

But all you're doing,

Is proving me wrong,

And betraying my trust.

Don't make promises that you can't keep,

Don't give me what you don't have,

Don't raise my hopes up,

Only to dash it down into the ground.

Don't lead me on like this,

To believe,

To hope,

In something that will never happen.

Lies are merely lies,

And there's nothing that you can do,

That will turn them into the truth,

Because you can't.

Don't bring my hopes up anymore,

Because I don't want to be disappointed,

Don't tell me that you love me,

Because it rings hollowly in my ears.

What More Can I Do?

I'm sick and tired of waiting,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

Without letting go of my pride,

And seeming weak in front of you.

I'm sick and tired of hurting,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

When you hurt me with your insensitivity,

Not knowing the effect you have on me.

I'm sick and tired of trying,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

To keep your eyes on me,

To prevent your heart from straying.

I'm sick and tired of crying,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

When there's nothing else I can say,

To make the pain go away.

Will you continue making me wait,

Or will you leave me here to pine for you?

Will you come back to me,

Or should I take my leave first?

Waiting is difficult,

Hurting is painful,

Trying is despairing,

And crying is pitiful.

But that is all that I can do,

Until you come back to me.