Turbulence

"Distance is not for the fearful,

It is for the Bold

It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time,

In exchange for a little Time with the one they Love."

Got this quote from blog-hopping, and I've to admit it's true in so many ways, and as such I'm going to preserve it here. My emotions have been going on a wild tangent these days, where I find myself losing control of myself at times. I find it odd really, that something like this should happen to me, especially when I thought I had controlled myself well enough.

Being the Ice Queen was simple really, I didn't have to give a damn about anyone else besides myself, and I came and go as I wish, caring not for others. However, I find myself at loss for words as to explain my situation now. Sigh, this emotional roller coaster is tiring, I'm so tired of this turbulence in my emotions.

I want to talk to you, I want to hold your attention, I want your eyes on me, I want to fill your mind, and your heart to be mine. It's a little too much to ask for isn't it? But this is what I want, even if I can't always get it. You said that you're afraid of losing me, but honestly speaking, I wonder if you even mean what you said, let alone remember it.

Do you really mean what you say, when you say that you're afraid of losing me? Because I honestly don't see it happening, perhaps I'm too plain and unattractive that you're sure that other guys will not notice me, let alone try to steal me away, hence your complacence.

I don't know what to say to you, I don't know what to talk about with you, despite wanting to hold a conversation, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I envy them you know, how it's so easy for you to find something to talk about, but when it comes to me, it seems to me that you focus more on your games and whatever else that you're doing.

Perhaps I'm not interesting enough for you? Since there doesn't seem to be anything to talk about between us, and you don't even try to accommodate my whims to see you through the webcam, even though it's the most convenient means of doing so. I miss you, day in day out, the only constant in my emotions is that feeling of missing you.

I know we apparently text each other a lot, but it's not the same as seeing you smiling back at me. This feeling, this miserable feeling, is so acute and leaves a hollow ache in me, and I can only wonder if I affect you as much as you affect me.

You never hold my hand like you used to when you drive, your hands are always tightly locked on the steering wheel nowadays. I miss the times when you would reach out for me and hold on to me tightly, sometimes dropping a light kiss on my knuckles, bringing a smile to my face. Even when I place my hand on your thigh when you drive, you don't even hold it anymore. I miss the times when you would do it as soon as you're able, but you don't even do that now.

I long for the days when we first started, I long for the control I once used to have, I long for you to kiss away the tears that are streaming down my cheeks now as I write this, but most of all I long for you to hold me tight and tell me that you don't ever want to lose me.

Here I am, shivering despite the heat, crying as I pen my thoughts here, but I highly doubt that you'll even read this. When will I see you working as hard as I am now to keep this relationship? If I were to suddenly disappear from your life for the next few weeks, will you even notice my absence? Do you even know how much I care for you??!

Screw you, damn you, go to hell! I'm so sad, and yet I'm so angry! I'm angry at myself for being so affected by you, I'm angry at my own helplessness, I'm angry for being so emotionally needy, I'm angry at my own insecurity, I'm angry because I know that somehow no matter what I do, it isn't enough...

There was always a reason as to why I loved the colour of blood, but of course, no one really notices anything, because this is my own dirty little secret. Blood red, the colour of the lifeblood that flows in me, how beautiful it is, especially if it stains the white of the floor, drawing me in even more. It's delicious really, this thrill I get at times, this longing, and it wouldn't be long before I stop resisting this pull. Maybe, just maybe....

Oh, and I also found this article here, quite interesting really:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. A depressed person will experience or display some of the following:

• Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and/or pessimism.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Contemplating suicide of suicide attempt
• Problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Persistent aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment
• Irritability or restlessness
• Insomnia, waking early, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Loss of interest in activities that once were pleasurable (e.g., hobbies, sex, social activities, etc.)

Interesting isn't it? But I wonder if it's really obvious for everyone, and if can be easily diagnosed...