Again?

My world is crashing down around me again. Once more, I find myself losing another friend due to something I never knew I did, and also because once again, I allowed my mouth to move before my brain. I apologised again and again, but honestly speaking, I'm too drained to even want to think about this anymore. If you can find it in you to forgive me and give me another chance, then I'll thank you for that. But should you choose to alienate me, then I can only move on, I can only hope that somehow, he will not be caught in this. There will come a time when he will be forced to choose, and when that happens I will leave, because I'd rather not force him to choose at all, and also because I know that I will lose to you.

Enough about that, such a topic makes me feel worse than I already am. Anyway, I really am quite lost now. I realized that I've been living my life for others, up to the extent that I don't know what I want to do anymore. Hell, it's so bad that I don't even know what I want to do in my future, notably my studies, because I've been told over and over again that as the oldest I'm going to have to take over someday. Yadda yadda blah. Well, now I'm lost, I don't know if I can continue doing what I'm doing now, and the best part to this is that I've only a few more days to decide. Great!

Sigh, no point in blaming others for my own fault. If I wasn't so weak and so eager to please, then perhaps I wouldn't allow others to shape my personality and my thoughts. Even as I struggle to do what I want, I still wonder about people's impression of me. Meh, maybe this is what I am now. If that's the case, I might as well work on my faults, God knows I've plenty of them.