Loneliness seeps through every fiber of my being,
As I struggle to hold on tight to that single thread of hope,
Because I know that if I let go,
I will drown in misery.
I know not the reason for my melancholy,
But I do know that I need them with me,
But who I need more,
I know not.
Loneliness clenches its cold hand around my heart,
As I slowly suffocate under the pressure of my own fears,
I reach out to them,
Knowing that they will extend their hands to me.
Alas,
My voice cannot be heard,
My tears cannot be seen,
My touch cannot be felt.
Was my silent wish not apparent enough?
Perhaps they saw not my inner suffering,
Where each smile hid a tear,
Where each laugh hid a wail.
My heart wants to be seen,
My heart wants to be heard,
My heart wants to finally be acknowledged,
But my mind struggles to keep it all hidden.
I sink to my knees,
Where I try one last time,
To make my distress known,
To make myself heard.
I give up at last,
Because it's apparent,
That there is no one here,
Who will ever see me.
I let go at last,
And fade away into the background,
Walking along a fine line,
I wonder how long it will be,
Before I finally give up,
And fall into the abyss below.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Drowning in a sea of emotions
Shock, shame, numbness, horror, realization....
Whoever thought that someone like me would feel these emotions all at the same time, and be so badly affected by it that my brain nearly shut down in defense.
What the hell have I been doing to myself? I don't even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? What am I doing? I seem to have lost my purpose, and for some reason I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror because I can't stand looking at the shadow of my former self.
I'm never usually this reckless, every move I make I calculate and execute with precision and timing, and I never do things that borderline dangerous for my reputation. I always play it safe, and I never take unnecessary risks, so why am I acting like this now?
Honor, pride, dignity, self-possession....
Where have these values that I hold so dear to my heart gone to? This time, perhaps the only person that I can blame is myself, and while I can still salvage the pieces, it will never be whole again.
Once again, I truly am a fool, and I wish...
I wish....
For a wish that will probably never be fulfilled, for as long as I continue to hold that part of me back, and for as long as I hold those fears too close to my heart.
Whoever thought that someone like me would feel these emotions all at the same time, and be so badly affected by it that my brain nearly shut down in defense.
What the hell have I been doing to myself? I don't even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? What am I doing? I seem to have lost my purpose, and for some reason I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror because I can't stand looking at the shadow of my former self.
I'm never usually this reckless, every move I make I calculate and execute with precision and timing, and I never do things that borderline dangerous for my reputation. I always play it safe, and I never take unnecessary risks, so why am I acting like this now?
Honor, pride, dignity, self-possession....
Where have these values that I hold so dear to my heart gone to? This time, perhaps the only person that I can blame is myself, and while I can still salvage the pieces, it will never be whole again.
Once again, I truly am a fool, and I wish...
I wish....
For a wish that will probably never be fulfilled, for as long as I continue to hold that part of me back, and for as long as I hold those fears too close to my heart.
Screams ripped through my throat,
As I struggle with chains heavy with guilt,
I tried and tried again,
But I couldn't move,
I couldn't see,
I couldn't make sense,
With the fog all around me;
Left to flounder on my own,
I wonder,
If anyone will ever hear my screams,
Will someone finally wipe away my tears,
And hold me as I cry,
Even as I try to make sense of the confusion within me?
As I struggle with chains heavy with guilt,
I tried and tried again,
But I couldn't move,
I couldn't see,
I couldn't make sense,
With the fog all around me;
Left to flounder on my own,
I wonder,
If anyone will ever hear my screams,
Will someone finally wipe away my tears,
And hold me as I cry,
Even as I try to make sense of the confusion within me?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
University Life
Well, it has certainly been a long time since I even touched this blog, quite a few of you might even accuse me of abandoning it. Well, never fear, because I'm back, and with quite a bit of news too! XD
I suppose that some of you here might have noticed the change in my writing style, or at least the tone and emotion of my post. It certainly is a lot lighter than my previous ones, don't you think?
I'm having quite a good time in Nottingham, and I certainly don't regret studying here, because I've met quite a few friends and while there's not a lot of eye-candy, there's some that I wouldn't mind looking at. Of course, non of the guys here have managed to capture my interest or my heart for that matter, so your Ice Princess is still in her indestructible palace.
On another note, I guess I've grown a lot more confident now, though I still retract into my shell at times, but all in all I'm a lot more outgoing, and I'm doing quite well in classes. It's so surprising that the lecturers here have clearer voices compared to secondary school even though the room is way bigger and there're many more students. I've no problem keeping up with the lectures at all even with my hearing problem, so I should be able to do well, though I still need to find the drive to actually start studying.
Ice Breaking Night was quite fun, and my team managed to get 3rd place overall. If you're on my Facebook list of friends, you might have noticed 2 pictures-- one of me bizarrely wrapped in toilet paper, and another of me in the bathroom. I didn't have to run through the fountain, thank God, but the toilet paper bride was the price I paid for it.
For those of you who know me to be a spoilt princess who can't do housework to save my life, I have to say that you're really wrong. Why? Because I'm hand washing all my clothes, I clean my own room, I sweep and mop my own floor too! Hmph! I deserve a medal for this! Lol, but even so, my hands are surprisingly still as soft and smooth as they were when I didn't do any housework, but that's probably because I've been using some rather expensive lotions after I do housework.
On another note, my skin condition doesn't seem to be improving. While my blackheads are slowly going away, I seem to have a weird outbreak of sorts. Nothing major, but it seems that pimples are coming out more often on my T-zone, but it's one at a time, so it's controllable.
I seemed to have lost some weight, which is good, and 2 of my guy friends have been trying to reassure me that my figure is fine, and that I didn't need to lose anymore. In fact, I received some rather positive feedback when I wore a sleeveless racer back t-shirt that my mother bought for Charlotte when she was 9, which makes the shirt 7 years old, but she has never it before, so did I, until today that is.
Still, I need to work on my thighs, since they're still rather flabby, but my skin colour is starting to turn white again, which will probably prompt Charlotte to call me a vampire, as usual. Even so, isn't that a good thing? After all, my previous skin colour was something many girls envied and wanted, but they never quite got to the same colour, especially when my skin practically glowed an reflect light in the sun.
I also tried to pick up tennis, but I don't seem to have an aptitude for the sport, especially when I accidentally hit my instructor with the tennis ball. Truth be told, I wasn't even aiming when I hit it, I was concentrating more on trying to hit it (I'm so so sorry, Tishaan! XD). I also forgot to bring my swimsuit with me, so I've not been able to try out the pool at all, even though I love swimming. I also sit 20 sets of sit ups yesterday while at the gym, which caused my stomach muscles to stage a royal riot this morning when I woke up.
What more, because Sandra was staying over, I practically rolled out of bed because I couldn't sit up at all. It was worse when I took an evening nap, because by then fatigue fully set it, which caused me to be unable to sit up or roll over at all! In the end, my bathroom mate, Jolene, had to pull me up and out of bed. *Pout* By the way, I slept at 4.30 a.m. because I was too busy having a major chatting session with Jolene and Sandra to notice the time. at the same time, I was also chatting with Edmen and Helmi, so one could say that I was multi-tasking.
Even with quite a few things going my way, there's one minor setback that I find particularly irritating now. I'm having problems with academic writing, and it's in English too. Well, I guess it's not too much of a surprise since my writing style has aways been towards creative writing. Then again, English is not my best subject for nothing, and I swear I will conquer it like I always do, quote Julius Caesar, "I came, I saw, I conquered", unquote.
All in all, I'm not really sure what else to say, since this is just about what I can remember from my days here.
I suppose that some of you here might have noticed the change in my writing style, or at least the tone and emotion of my post. It certainly is a lot lighter than my previous ones, don't you think?
I'm having quite a good time in Nottingham, and I certainly don't regret studying here, because I've met quite a few friends and while there's not a lot of eye-candy, there's some that I wouldn't mind looking at. Of course, non of the guys here have managed to capture my interest or my heart for that matter, so your Ice Princess is still in her indestructible palace.
On another note, I guess I've grown a lot more confident now, though I still retract into my shell at times, but all in all I'm a lot more outgoing, and I'm doing quite well in classes. It's so surprising that the lecturers here have clearer voices compared to secondary school even though the room is way bigger and there're many more students. I've no problem keeping up with the lectures at all even with my hearing problem, so I should be able to do well, though I still need to find the drive to actually start studying.
Ice Breaking Night was quite fun, and my team managed to get 3rd place overall. If you're on my Facebook list of friends, you might have noticed 2 pictures-- one of me bizarrely wrapped in toilet paper, and another of me in the bathroom. I didn't have to run through the fountain, thank God, but the toilet paper bride was the price I paid for it.
For those of you who know me to be a spoilt princess who can't do housework to save my life, I have to say that you're really wrong. Why? Because I'm hand washing all my clothes, I clean my own room, I sweep and mop my own floor too! Hmph! I deserve a medal for this! Lol, but even so, my hands are surprisingly still as soft and smooth as they were when I didn't do any housework, but that's probably because I've been using some rather expensive lotions after I do housework.
On another note, my skin condition doesn't seem to be improving. While my blackheads are slowly going away, I seem to have a weird outbreak of sorts. Nothing major, but it seems that pimples are coming out more often on my T-zone, but it's one at a time, so it's controllable.
I seemed to have lost some weight, which is good, and 2 of my guy friends have been trying to reassure me that my figure is fine, and that I didn't need to lose anymore. In fact, I received some rather positive feedback when I wore a sleeveless racer back t-shirt that my mother bought for Charlotte when she was 9, which makes the shirt 7 years old, but she has never it before, so did I, until today that is.
Still, I need to work on my thighs, since they're still rather flabby, but my skin colour is starting to turn white again, which will probably prompt Charlotte to call me a vampire, as usual. Even so, isn't that a good thing? After all, my previous skin colour was something many girls envied and wanted, but they never quite got to the same colour, especially when my skin practically glowed an reflect light in the sun.
I also tried to pick up tennis, but I don't seem to have an aptitude for the sport, especially when I accidentally hit my instructor with the tennis ball. Truth be told, I wasn't even aiming when I hit it, I was concentrating more on trying to hit it (I'm so so sorry, Tishaan! XD). I also forgot to bring my swimsuit with me, so I've not been able to try out the pool at all, even though I love swimming. I also sit 20 sets of sit ups yesterday while at the gym, which caused my stomach muscles to stage a royal riot this morning when I woke up.
What more, because Sandra was staying over, I practically rolled out of bed because I couldn't sit up at all. It was worse when I took an evening nap, because by then fatigue fully set it, which caused me to be unable to sit up or roll over at all! In the end, my bathroom mate, Jolene, had to pull me up and out of bed. *Pout* By the way, I slept at 4.30 a.m. because I was too busy having a major chatting session with Jolene and Sandra to notice the time. at the same time, I was also chatting with Edmen and Helmi, so one could say that I was multi-tasking.
Even with quite a few things going my way, there's one minor setback that I find particularly irritating now. I'm having problems with academic writing, and it's in English too. Well, I guess it's not too much of a surprise since my writing style has aways been towards creative writing. Then again, English is not my best subject for nothing, and I swear I will conquer it like I always do, quote Julius Caesar, "I came, I saw, I conquered", unquote.
All in all, I'm not really sure what else to say, since this is just about what I can remember from my days here.
Friday, February 12, 2010
M&R Manufacturing Sdn. Bhd. Annual Dinner
Tonight was really something that I would not forget, not ever if I've become old and wrinkly. First of all, I was the MC for the dinner. Second, I actually wore a skirt after swearing it off. Third of all, my feet are aching so much that I don't think that I would be able to forget the sensation of it for as long as I live.
All in all, tonight's dinner was a total success. The beginning was a little choppy since we were just getting started, but as the lucky draw was going on, everyone's attention was diverted to the cookie tin we used, each hoping that they would be the ones getting lucky. When I was on the stage, the gap on it (the stage is actually made of several sections) widened so much that when I stepped backwards, my heel actually sank into the gap, nearly causing me to fall in front of the audience. Thankfully, I regained my balance, and managed to preserve my dignity.
I was quite happy to hear all the compliments I got, it boosted my self confidence a lot, and because of it I managed to go through the whole dinner without making a mistake (when I was on stage) and was quite successful in getting the crowd to interact with me.
I wore a black long sleeved turtleneck, a white vest and a dark brown skirt with a pair of gorgeous yet excruciatingly painful 3 and a 1/2 inch heels. The skirt and heels actually showed off my legs to its best advantage, while my upper body was really covered up. The fashion rule of choosing between your cleavage or legs was really put to good use here, and for that I'm really glad. I didn't use any makeup, which was a good thing since by walking back and forth the whole room, I caused my cheeks to turn red, which gave me a natural blush. My hair was styled in such a way that it was slightly wavy bu spiked outwards at the ends. Along with it being red in colour, it suited my pale skin really well.
I also drank quite a bit of beer, which I must add that it was really good beer, and didn't get drunk at all, unlike my father who drank uncontrollably till he became drunk. On the bright side, he didn't puke. Thank God for that, because if he did I would have throttled him.
The final lucky draw was definitely the best part of the night, since everyone was fixated on the numbers I was announcing. The ultimate grand prize went to a rather good looking guy some where near my age, whose girlfriend also won a hamper. Actually, the table was the recipient of quite a few prizes, lucky them.
As for my feet, I will never again wear stilettos if I'm going to walk for more than 4 hours straight! I barely ate anything because I was too busy running around making sure that everything was going smoothly, and when I did get to have a seat, I found myself picking up a few pieces of food here and there while waiting to begin the next program. Even so, I didn't regret a single thing, because for the first time in a while I actually felt that I was in power. I simply love the feeling it gives me, and I didn't have to sit around and make idle talk because I was too busy running the show.
On another note, I think that I might have a pervert on my tail. He's actually a Vietnamese who works in the production line, who was also the spur of the moment cameraman. He took quite a few pictures of me when I was on stage, and at the end of the dinner, he asked to take a picture with me. He actually held my waist in a vice-like grip and tried to hold my chin when we were posing for the camera, but I pushed his hand away before his friend pressed the button. I was already somewhat nervous when he grabbed my waist, but when he held my chin, I felt so creeped out that I nearly recoiled from him! Unfortunately, etiquette demands that I plaster a smile on my face and pretend that it didn't really affect me at all, so I had to bear with his grip until the picture was taken. After that, I immediately extricated myself from his grip. It was a good thing that he released me soon after, because if he didn't, he would have found himself to be the last of his line. Seriously, the only people I would allow to do that would be my cousins and close friends.
He was practically a stranger, I didn't know his name, neither do I remember what he looks like! I sincerely hope that he would not do anything to make me demand the immediate termination of his contract, because if he tries anything funny, I will make sure that he is sent back immediately. Luckily, I do not have much reason to go to the factory area, and even then I'm always surrounded by the other employees that I trust. I can only hope that my identity as the Managing Director's daughter will protect me from his unwanted advances, and that the other employees around me would come to my rescue if I should find myself in an unwanted situation.
On the bright side, I'll be leaving the company soon, probably during March, and his contract expires next year. With any luck, I would not be meeting him again any time soon.
Enough about him. There was also another rather good looking guy who was rather friendly, and we chatted for a while about wine, songs and some other things that I can't remember. If he was a corporate climber, I wouldn't mind entertaining the thought of making him fall in love with me. However, he was merely a factory worker, therefore such a thought was mercilessly crushed and smashed into smithereens before it could get any further. Besides, I would prefer someone who speaks really good English, because my Chinese is rather weak. Oh well, it wouldn't hurt to make him dream of me, since it does feed my ego.
All in all, I enjoyed myself, and was asked to be the MC again for next year's annual dinner, which I will definitely not miss.
All in all, tonight's dinner was a total success. The beginning was a little choppy since we were just getting started, but as the lucky draw was going on, everyone's attention was diverted to the cookie tin we used, each hoping that they would be the ones getting lucky. When I was on the stage, the gap on it (the stage is actually made of several sections) widened so much that when I stepped backwards, my heel actually sank into the gap, nearly causing me to fall in front of the audience. Thankfully, I regained my balance, and managed to preserve my dignity.
I was quite happy to hear all the compliments I got, it boosted my self confidence a lot, and because of it I managed to go through the whole dinner without making a mistake (when I was on stage) and was quite successful in getting the crowd to interact with me.
I wore a black long sleeved turtleneck, a white vest and a dark brown skirt with a pair of gorgeous yet excruciatingly painful 3 and a 1/2 inch heels. The skirt and heels actually showed off my legs to its best advantage, while my upper body was really covered up. The fashion rule of choosing between your cleavage or legs was really put to good use here, and for that I'm really glad. I didn't use any makeup, which was a good thing since by walking back and forth the whole room, I caused my cheeks to turn red, which gave me a natural blush. My hair was styled in such a way that it was slightly wavy bu spiked outwards at the ends. Along with it being red in colour, it suited my pale skin really well.
I also drank quite a bit of beer, which I must add that it was really good beer, and didn't get drunk at all, unlike my father who drank uncontrollably till he became drunk. On the bright side, he didn't puke. Thank God for that, because if he did I would have throttled him.
The final lucky draw was definitely the best part of the night, since everyone was fixated on the numbers I was announcing. The ultimate grand prize went to a rather good looking guy some where near my age, whose girlfriend also won a hamper. Actually, the table was the recipient of quite a few prizes, lucky them.
As for my feet, I will never again wear stilettos if I'm going to walk for more than 4 hours straight! I barely ate anything because I was too busy running around making sure that everything was going smoothly, and when I did get to have a seat, I found myself picking up a few pieces of food here and there while waiting to begin the next program. Even so, I didn't regret a single thing, because for the first time in a while I actually felt that I was in power. I simply love the feeling it gives me, and I didn't have to sit around and make idle talk because I was too busy running the show.
On another note, I think that I might have a pervert on my tail. He's actually a Vietnamese who works in the production line, who was also the spur of the moment cameraman. He took quite a few pictures of me when I was on stage, and at the end of the dinner, he asked to take a picture with me. He actually held my waist in a vice-like grip and tried to hold my chin when we were posing for the camera, but I pushed his hand away before his friend pressed the button. I was already somewhat nervous when he grabbed my waist, but when he held my chin, I felt so creeped out that I nearly recoiled from him! Unfortunately, etiquette demands that I plaster a smile on my face and pretend that it didn't really affect me at all, so I had to bear with his grip until the picture was taken. After that, I immediately extricated myself from his grip. It was a good thing that he released me soon after, because if he didn't, he would have found himself to be the last of his line. Seriously, the only people I would allow to do that would be my cousins and close friends.
He was practically a stranger, I didn't know his name, neither do I remember what he looks like! I sincerely hope that he would not do anything to make me demand the immediate termination of his contract, because if he tries anything funny, I will make sure that he is sent back immediately. Luckily, I do not have much reason to go to the factory area, and even then I'm always surrounded by the other employees that I trust. I can only hope that my identity as the Managing Director's daughter will protect me from his unwanted advances, and that the other employees around me would come to my rescue if I should find myself in an unwanted situation.
On the bright side, I'll be leaving the company soon, probably during March, and his contract expires next year. With any luck, I would not be meeting him again any time soon.
Enough about him. There was also another rather good looking guy who was rather friendly, and we chatted for a while about wine, songs and some other things that I can't remember. If he was a corporate climber, I wouldn't mind entertaining the thought of making him fall in love with me. However, he was merely a factory worker, therefore such a thought was mercilessly crushed and smashed into smithereens before it could get any further. Besides, I would prefer someone who speaks really good English, because my Chinese is rather weak. Oh well, it wouldn't hurt to make him dream of me, since it does feed my ego.
All in all, I enjoyed myself, and was asked to be the MC again for next year's annual dinner, which I will definitely not miss.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Absence Does Indeed Make The Heart Fonder
A new year, a new beginning. I didn't realise it, but I have been wanting one for a long time already.
In many ways, I'm really glad that the 'fight' happened when it did, it was necessary for me and for our friendship in a roundabout way. I don't know what it did for them, but I found that I actually treasured it more than anything else in my life, and that's saying a lot, since I'm a naturally selfish person.
After breaking off from the group, I had to reprioritize myself and find myself beneath all those facades and masks that I created to push everyone else away from myself. I had used them for too long until I longer remembered myself, instead going blindly with the flow with a show of false bravado and arrogance.
It took awhile, but I managed to find myself again, and while I might stumble and fall a few times along the road, I will never let it go. After that, I made a rather impulsive decision to cut my hair into a shoulder length style, not to mention dyed it a rather intense dark red colour. Those who remembered the last time I did that would probably remember the fuss I made, not to mention the complaints, grumbles and groans. Well, I actually like the change this time. I look better, and felt so free when it was finally done. In a way, the haircut was somewhat symbolic.
Seriously, when the holidays started, I practically turned into a workaholic who did OT almost every single day. My body ran on autopilot and I felt as though I was watching everything from another perspective. After awhile, I caved and decided to just go with my gut. Since then, I've not regretted anything at all, except for a nagging feeling that tells me that I should have coloured my hair dark purple instead of red.
I'm still hanging in limbo now because of the darn government. Seriously, is it that difficult to just sort all the trainees into their respective batches when they select us to go for NS training and announce the list a few months before it starts?! It would make things a hell lot easier for us since we don't have to scramble to get everything done just in time for it. Honestly, do they really think that we've all the time in the world to just sit down and wait for them to place us?! Most of us here are planning to further our educations damn it! You're wasting our precious time, and I don't like that, at all! I swear, if they place me in the third batch, I will skip NS entirely and go straight for college! I don't have time to wait around for it to come around, I no longer have the luxury of time anymore.
This post is rather random, and sounds like I'm merely saying whatever that comes into my mind, with no real arrangement or structure. Oh well, I couldn't care less.
In many ways, I'm really glad that the 'fight' happened when it did, it was necessary for me and for our friendship in a roundabout way. I don't know what it did for them, but I found that I actually treasured it more than anything else in my life, and that's saying a lot, since I'm a naturally selfish person.
After breaking off from the group, I had to reprioritize myself and find myself beneath all those facades and masks that I created to push everyone else away from myself. I had used them for too long until I longer remembered myself, instead going blindly with the flow with a show of false bravado and arrogance.
It took awhile, but I managed to find myself again, and while I might stumble and fall a few times along the road, I will never let it go. After that, I made a rather impulsive decision to cut my hair into a shoulder length style, not to mention dyed it a rather intense dark red colour. Those who remembered the last time I did that would probably remember the fuss I made, not to mention the complaints, grumbles and groans. Well, I actually like the change this time. I look better, and felt so free when it was finally done. In a way, the haircut was somewhat symbolic.
Seriously, when the holidays started, I practically turned into a workaholic who did OT almost every single day. My body ran on autopilot and I felt as though I was watching everything from another perspective. After awhile, I caved and decided to just go with my gut. Since then, I've not regretted anything at all, except for a nagging feeling that tells me that I should have coloured my hair dark purple instead of red.
I'm still hanging in limbo now because of the darn government. Seriously, is it that difficult to just sort all the trainees into their respective batches when they select us to go for NS training and announce the list a few months before it starts?! It would make things a hell lot easier for us since we don't have to scramble to get everything done just in time for it. Honestly, do they really think that we've all the time in the world to just sit down and wait for them to place us?! Most of us here are planning to further our educations damn it! You're wasting our precious time, and I don't like that, at all! I swear, if they place me in the third batch, I will skip NS entirely and go straight for college! I don't have time to wait around for it to come around, I no longer have the luxury of time anymore.
This post is rather random, and sounds like I'm merely saying whatever that comes into my mind, with no real arrangement or structure. Oh well, I couldn't care less.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I'm back!
My my, what a lot of overbearingly depressing feelings I had in the last post. It's really surprising indeed, about the amount of emotional pain I went through because of a dying friendship. The pain, tears and grief weren't worth it, but I wonder what made me cling on to that last shred of hope before finally giving in and letting go.
Was it sheer stubborness and the fighting spirit in me who simply refuses to let go and admit defeat? Was it Pride who told me to hold on so as not to lose face? Was is the fear of being alone and miserable while everyone including her had a best friend or closest friend to lean on to? Was it Loyalty who made me feel that there was still something left between us that could be salvaged? Was it my memories of the times we had together that made me hold on? Was it the sheer desperation that made me lose my grip on my emotions as I struggled to repair it?
Whatever it was, I will never know. On the other hand, I might already know, whether or not I'll admit it to myself. Looking back on that, it might be the catalyst that made me do some soul searching. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this who I really am?
Am I a cold, unfeeling and nearly emotionless person? Am I a proud, self-assured and confident person? Am I a person who hides all her true thoughts behind a mask while deluding and deceiving people into thinking what they may think? Am I a happy-go-lucky, open and honest person? Am I a sad, lonely and insecure person? Am I a selfish, possessive and greedy person?
Who am I, I might never really know. The soul searching I did didn't yield much results at all, but I did realise that throughout this whole chapter, I was never really myself. What was I really like, how did I once act, who I really was, I don't remember anymore. In shaping myself into another person just for the sake of pleasing others, I lost a part of myself then and there. Were her opinions so important to me that I would forget myself in trying to be what she wanted me to be?
Perhaps they were, I could spend so much time changing myself, trying to fit in, but I could never completely fit into her world. No matter how much I want to be her most important friend, I will always be the last and the least. There'll always be someone else that she thinks off before me to tell her stories to, there'll always be someone else that she'll go to when she's sad, there'll always be someone else that she'll lean on, and that someone will never be me. She'll never come to me first unless I'm her last resort, it'll always be me going to her like a puppy after its master. She'll never look at me and think of me as anything else but a friend, and only a friend, not like the best friend I wish I could be to her.
I probably sound as though I'm in love with her, which is absolutely laughable in so many ways, but when I think about it, friendship can often be more important and stronger than love alone. I haven't forgotten the last time I chose friendship over love, and look where it landed me. I lost them both. Love because I chose to believe in lies, friendship because it was never true to begin with. I can cry, I can beg, I can scream and shout all I want, but I can never gain back what I had lost. I didn't think that I'd make the same mistake again, but perhaps it was inevitable.
I wish I could have someone there for me, someone that I could trust my secrets with, and trust that she would do the same for me. I wish that I could come in first, I wish that I could speak without fear of losing her friendship and loyalty, I wish that I could be my true self with her. I could wish for so many things, I could wish for a person like that to show up and be mine, someone I could call my bestest and closest friend, but I can only wish.
I thought that I might have found it in her, but I guess she never did find it in me. In many ways, I might have fooled myself with false words that she did. Such was my foolishness in the past, such was my desperation for understanding and belonging. Such was my unfulfilled and unending hope, and never again will it happen.
I have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but I will never allow anyone to come close enough to hurt me so deeply like this again. Like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes, but I will never allow my death to happen again. I thought too highly of you before, and now you're nothing but a regret and a hollow ache in the depths of my freezing heart, and I'll never forget this lesson that I've learnt.
I'll open the doors to my cage and spread my wings, letting the winds guide me as I soar in the sky. I'll untie my blindfold and open my eyes, letting the light of the new day fill me with hope. I'll break off my bindings, and face my challenges head on. I'll turn my face to the wind, and embrace the feel of its presence against my skin. I'll start moving on again, and let the current of life take me to my next destination.
With that, I'll finally close the last chapter to this book of my life.
Was it sheer stubborness and the fighting spirit in me who simply refuses to let go and admit defeat? Was it Pride who told me to hold on so as not to lose face? Was is the fear of being alone and miserable while everyone including her had a best friend or closest friend to lean on to? Was it Loyalty who made me feel that there was still something left between us that could be salvaged? Was it my memories of the times we had together that made me hold on? Was it the sheer desperation that made me lose my grip on my emotions as I struggled to repair it?
Whatever it was, I will never know. On the other hand, I might already know, whether or not I'll admit it to myself. Looking back on that, it might be the catalyst that made me do some soul searching. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is this who I really am?
Am I a cold, unfeeling and nearly emotionless person? Am I a proud, self-assured and confident person? Am I a person who hides all her true thoughts behind a mask while deluding and deceiving people into thinking what they may think? Am I a happy-go-lucky, open and honest person? Am I a sad, lonely and insecure person? Am I a selfish, possessive and greedy person?
Who am I, I might never really know. The soul searching I did didn't yield much results at all, but I did realise that throughout this whole chapter, I was never really myself. What was I really like, how did I once act, who I really was, I don't remember anymore. In shaping myself into another person just for the sake of pleasing others, I lost a part of myself then and there. Were her opinions so important to me that I would forget myself in trying to be what she wanted me to be?
Perhaps they were, I could spend so much time changing myself, trying to fit in, but I could never completely fit into her world. No matter how much I want to be her most important friend, I will always be the last and the least. There'll always be someone else that she thinks off before me to tell her stories to, there'll always be someone else that she'll go to when she's sad, there'll always be someone else that she'll lean on, and that someone will never be me. She'll never come to me first unless I'm her last resort, it'll always be me going to her like a puppy after its master. She'll never look at me and think of me as anything else but a friend, and only a friend, not like the best friend I wish I could be to her.
I probably sound as though I'm in love with her, which is absolutely laughable in so many ways, but when I think about it, friendship can often be more important and stronger than love alone. I haven't forgotten the last time I chose friendship over love, and look where it landed me. I lost them both. Love because I chose to believe in lies, friendship because it was never true to begin with. I can cry, I can beg, I can scream and shout all I want, but I can never gain back what I had lost. I didn't think that I'd make the same mistake again, but perhaps it was inevitable.
I wish I could have someone there for me, someone that I could trust my secrets with, and trust that she would do the same for me. I wish that I could come in first, I wish that I could speak without fear of losing her friendship and loyalty, I wish that I could be my true self with her. I could wish for so many things, I could wish for a person like that to show up and be mine, someone I could call my bestest and closest friend, but I can only wish.
I thought that I might have found it in her, but I guess she never did find it in me. In many ways, I might have fooled myself with false words that she did. Such was my foolishness in the past, such was my desperation for understanding and belonging. Such was my unfulfilled and unending hope, and never again will it happen.
I have plenty of friends and acquaintances, but I will never allow anyone to come close enough to hurt me so deeply like this again. Like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes, but I will never allow my death to happen again. I thought too highly of you before, and now you're nothing but a regret and a hollow ache in the depths of my freezing heart, and I'll never forget this lesson that I've learnt.
I'll open the doors to my cage and spread my wings, letting the winds guide me as I soar in the sky. I'll untie my blindfold and open my eyes, letting the light of the new day fill me with hope. I'll break off my bindings, and face my challenges head on. I'll turn my face to the wind, and embrace the feel of its presence against my skin. I'll start moving on again, and let the current of life take me to my next destination.
With that, I'll finally close the last chapter to this book of my life.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Can You See Me Now?
I looked around me,
And I noticed something awfully off,
They each have their personal bonds,
And yet I'm always hovering,
Flitting from one group to another,
Never fitting in,
Never belonging.
I take another look around,
Before turning away from the crowd,
Looking for a place to call my own,
Looking for that special friend whom I have not found,
As I silently walk away from them.
Tears of despair, frustration and hurt leaked,
From the corners of my eyes in steady silent streams,
As I sat away from the others,
Trying my best not to look at their interactions,
Yet my eyes betray me,
As my heart cracks all the more at the sight of them.
Once in a while,
One of you will look up from your conversations,
To look for me,
Just to check if I'm there,
And yet you couldn't care less even if I'm not there.
Lost and wandering aimlessly,
I went to my secret world,
Drowning myself in a pool of words,
Just to escape the pain of my reality,
But deep inside,
I know that I'm just running away,
Even just for a short time.
I want to run away again,
Just as I did once before,
But the chains and shackles held me in place,
Harsh, cold, unyielding and unrelenting,
I can do nothing,
But sink to my knees and stare at nothing in particular,
Waiting for the last grain of sand to fall,
Before I take spread my wings,
And fly away again.
As each day passes by,
I see the same things over and over again,
I wish I could be numb to the pain,
But it doesn't stop me from hoping in silent desperation,
That I'll finally find that one person,
Who'll take my hand and accompany me along.
I am nothing but an empty shell,
Devoid of life,
Merely living a deception,
As I act out the role expected of me,
Day to day without fail.
I saw the same scene again today,
As I wore my mask,
And put on another show,
For the entire world to see.
Am I really that good of an actress?
Or did I get away with this just because you didn't care enough to look carefully?
I might never know the answer to this question,
But I wonder if I were to take away your secret dream,
Will you finally look at me?
Maybe there'll come a day,
When I can finally remove my mask,
And take a bow to the applause of my spectators,
But until then,
I will continue to act out my role,
As I wait for the curtain to finally close.
And I noticed something awfully off,
They each have their personal bonds,
And yet I'm always hovering,
Flitting from one group to another,
Never fitting in,
Never belonging.
I take another look around,
Before turning away from the crowd,
Looking for a place to call my own,
Looking for that special friend whom I have not found,
As I silently walk away from them.
Tears of despair, frustration and hurt leaked,
From the corners of my eyes in steady silent streams,
As I sat away from the others,
Trying my best not to look at their interactions,
Yet my eyes betray me,
As my heart cracks all the more at the sight of them.
Once in a while,
One of you will look up from your conversations,
To look for me,
Just to check if I'm there,
And yet you couldn't care less even if I'm not there.
Lost and wandering aimlessly,
I went to my secret world,
Drowning myself in a pool of words,
Just to escape the pain of my reality,
But deep inside,
I know that I'm just running away,
Even just for a short time.
I want to run away again,
Just as I did once before,
But the chains and shackles held me in place,
Harsh, cold, unyielding and unrelenting,
I can do nothing,
But sink to my knees and stare at nothing in particular,
Waiting for the last grain of sand to fall,
Before I take spread my wings,
And fly away again.
As each day passes by,
I see the same things over and over again,
I wish I could be numb to the pain,
But it doesn't stop me from hoping in silent desperation,
That I'll finally find that one person,
Who'll take my hand and accompany me along.
I am nothing but an empty shell,
Devoid of life,
Merely living a deception,
As I act out the role expected of me,
Day to day without fail.
I saw the same scene again today,
As I wore my mask,
And put on another show,
For the entire world to see.
Am I really that good of an actress?
Or did I get away with this just because you didn't care enough to look carefully?
I might never know the answer to this question,
But I wonder if I were to take away your secret dream,
Will you finally look at me?
Maybe there'll come a day,
When I can finally remove my mask,
And take a bow to the applause of my spectators,
But until then,
I will continue to act out my role,
As I wait for the curtain to finally close.
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