Daze

Don't ever ignore me,

Because that will hurt me,

More than being angry at me ever will.

Don't lie to me,

Because that will hurt me,

More than telling me the truth ever will.

Don't betray me,

Because that will break me,

And make me cry.

A simple verse,

Another tear,

A silent sob.

I wonder if you know,

What goes on in my mind,

If you even cared to wonder.

Give it a rest,

You're hurting me,

Whether or not you know it.

Stop doing this to me,

Leave me alone,

For I can stand no more.

I write this in a stupor,

Take this as you wish,

Because I will not explain myself.

Let Me Sleep Tonight

What is this?

You have got to be kidding me,

I made a list for a reason,

To act as chains of reason,

In case my heart decides to rebel against me.

But this is honestly pitiable,

Imagine me,

The Ice Queen,

Falling prey for such a trap,

Just what was I thinking?

Laugh all you want,

Because I really am laughable now,

So deeply tangled up in this web,

So badly lost in this maze,

That I wonder if I'll ever find my way again.

I am so tired,

I really am,

So why am I still holding on,

To the possibilities in you,

To the possibilities of the future?

Perhaps he was right,

Perhaps I'm the one putting too much effort,

Into something that may not even be true,

Something that may end up being just a distraction,

From his bored little world.

I am angry,

But at the same time,

Despair clouds my mind,

Overpowering even the force of my anger,

Leaving me in a state more desolate than before.

I am tired,

And I shall retire for the night,

But one has to wonder,

If my sleep tonight will be pleasant,

Or will tear tracks be prominent upon my cheeks.

Beautiful dreamer in the velvet skies,

Take me in your arms and sing to me,

Your lullaby of a perfect world,

Where nothing will go wrong,

Where nothing can go wrong.

Not Again

I know not why,

But I find myself out of breath,

My heart achingly hollow,

And my despair once again overflowing.

Aren't I supposed to be happy,

To smile with the brightness,

Of a thousand suns?

Then why do I feel so heavy?

I don't understand what's going on,

I can't understand this,

Someone make me understand,

Please, I beg of you.

This can't be happening again,

I'm supposed to be long past this,

So why do my eyes burn,

With unshed tears?

This is frightening,

What is going on now?

Why is this happening again?

Can't you please answer me?!

Answer me damn it,

You know the answer to my questions,

So please,

Please answer me,

Lest I breakdown once again.

Heartache

You say that you're fine with me,

Just the way I am,

But why do I see you,

Trying to change me,

To fit into your superficial mold?

I never thought that I'd be hurt,

Not like this,

Physical pain I can bear,

Mental pain I scoff at,

But heartache....

Heartache,

Was never what I expected,

I never knew,

I never thought,

And I've never felt this terrible.

It hurts,

It really does hurt,

But I feel numb,

A dull roar sounds in my ears,

A choked sob escapes my lips.

I am who I am,

I don't wear skirts or dresses,

I detest makeup,

I love my jeans,

And I dress for myself.

I thought that you were fine with that,

That you liked me as I was,

So pray tell,

Love,

Why do you do this to me?

Things were so much easier,

When there were no strings attached,

When my walls were up,

When the stage was set,

When I played my role.

I was a lone wolf,

I walked to the beat of my own drum,

I bowed to no one,

I accepted no one,

And I cared for no one.

Behind those walls,

Behind the masks,

On the stages,

In my role,

No one could hurt me.

You did this to me,

And now my heart vows vengeance,

An eye for an eye,

And a tooth for a tooth,

I will hurt you,

Just as much as you hurt me.

I swear this now,

On the tears that I unconsciously shed,

Listen to my song Love,

For I am furious.

What Do You See?

Every time you look at me,

I can't help but think to myself,

What do you see,

What can you see?

Do you see a spoiled, pampered princess,

Do you see a proud, strong woman,

Do you see an gullible, easy prey,

Or do you see a lost, helpless child?

I can't read minds,

As much as I wish for it to be possible,

But I'm willing to bet,

That you see anything and everything,

But the last.

I am who I am,

And there's nothing in this world,

That can change that fact,

But what you see in me,

Is what you only want to see.

I am so tired of smiling,

I just want to let go,

To be who I want to be,

But I still hold on to my mask,

For I know that you'll only hurt me in the end.

I'm singing the same old song again,

But this is because,

It is the only song I know,

As there is no one here,

That has taught me a new one.

This melody I sing,

I sing from the very depths of my soul,

Every word that I sing,

Soft as they are,

They are all that I am.

Accept me,

Deny me,

But don't ever try,

To change the person that I am,

To make me something that I'm not.

Reality

Spring to Autumn,
Summer to Winter,
Life to Death,
Warmth to Cold,
Passion to Indifference.

This is what that has become of my life,
Now that I am finally alone,
I am but a shell,
Going through the motions of life,
With the zest of one who is broken.

This is a nightmare over and over again,
For every time I think that I have found a replacement,
You have to come along,
Shattering the illusion that I've placed myself in,
Tearing apart my carefully constructed world.

Reality,
Why must you be so cruel?
Why can't you just allow me to stay as I am?
Why can't you just grant me this small respite,
From the pain that I'm going through as it is?

You are such a cruel friend to have,
But at the same time you're still the best teacher,
To teach me the lessons of life,
To teach me the characters of the world,
To teach me the pain of heartbreak.

One of these days,
I may just decide to repay the favour,
For what you once were,
I am now,
And I will not cease in reminding you of it.

What I am now,
You shall be,
And you shall regret ever making me suffer as such,
For once you remember the pain I'm going through now,
You will regret the purpose of your existence.

My Birthday Celebration

Well, it's been awhile since I updated, but rest assured that this post will not be as emo as the previous ones. In fact, this post will very much be on a lighter note.

My father called me on Friday night out of the blue, asking if I had any plans on Saturday night. When I said that I didn't, he suggested that we go out for dinner as a family to celebrate my 18th birthday. In fact, he drove up all the way to KL along with my siblings in tow just to do so. ^^

Anyway, he called up his brother and family, while I called my aunt (my mother's sister) to arrange for dinner at the South Sea restaurant near the Subang airport. My mother did not come along, but my grandmother did. All in all, it was quite a happy affair, and everyone enjoyed the food, which by the way costs a bomb -- RM1118.40.

We had two different types of crabs, a whole lot of prawns, la la, 3 different types of noodles, vegetables, steamed buns, and a dish named 4 seasons, which is actually four different types of dishes combined into one, and a few other dishes that I can't really remember.

Anyway, my sister and I ended up squabbling over one thing or another, among the few being the amount of Famous Amos cookies I owe her. She actually tried to raise the bar to 1500g even though 1000g was the amount that we agreed on before she brought my things over.

On the night of a birthday celebration, one would commonly end the night with a personalised version of "Happy Birthday" and cake, but mine was different. Because there wasn't any time to get a cake, I didn't have to sit through a round of the Birthday song. XD

Overall, tonight was quite enjoyable, but I wish that she came along instead of clinging on to an old grudge. Oh well, you can't have it all. I got a lot of red packets too, so it makes me feel better. ^^