Let Me Sleep Tonight

What is this?

You have got to be kidding me,

I made a list for a reason,

To act as chains of reason,

In case my heart decides to rebel against me.

But this is honestly pitiable,

Imagine me,

The Ice Queen,

Falling prey for such a trap,

Just what was I thinking?

Laugh all you want,

Because I really am laughable now,

So deeply tangled up in this web,

So badly lost in this maze,

That I wonder if I'll ever find my way again.

I am so tired,

I really am,

So why am I still holding on,

To the possibilities in you,

To the possibilities of the future?

Perhaps he was right,

Perhaps I'm the one putting too much effort,

Into something that may not even be true,

Something that may end up being just a distraction,

From his bored little world.

I am angry,

But at the same time,

Despair clouds my mind,

Overpowering even the force of my anger,

Leaving me in a state more desolate than before.

I am tired,

And I shall retire for the night,

But one has to wonder,

If my sleep tonight will be pleasant,

Or will tear tracks be prominent upon my cheeks.

Beautiful dreamer in the velvet skies,

Take me in your arms and sing to me,

Your lullaby of a perfect world,

Where nothing will go wrong,

Where nothing can go wrong.

Not Again

I know not why,

But I find myself out of breath,

My heart achingly hollow,

And my despair once again overflowing.

Aren't I supposed to be happy,

To smile with the brightness,

Of a thousand suns?

Then why do I feel so heavy?

I don't understand what's going on,

I can't understand this,

Someone make me understand,

Please, I beg of you.

This can't be happening again,

I'm supposed to be long past this,

So why do my eyes burn,

With unshed tears?

This is frightening,

What is going on now?

Why is this happening again?

Can't you please answer me?!

Answer me damn it,

You know the answer to my questions,

So please,

Please answer me,

Lest I breakdown once again.

Heartache

You say that you're fine with me,

Just the way I am,

But why do I see you,

Trying to change me,

To fit into your superficial mold?

I never thought that I'd be hurt,

Not like this,

Physical pain I can bear,

Mental pain I scoff at,

But heartache....

Heartache,

Was never what I expected,

I never knew,

I never thought,

And I've never felt this terrible.

It hurts,

It really does hurt,

But I feel numb,

A dull roar sounds in my ears,

A choked sob escapes my lips.

I am who I am,

I don't wear skirts or dresses,

I detest makeup,

I love my jeans,

And I dress for myself.

I thought that you were fine with that,

That you liked me as I was,

So pray tell,

Love,

Why do you do this to me?

Things were so much easier,

When there were no strings attached,

When my walls were up,

When the stage was set,

When I played my role.

I was a lone wolf,

I walked to the beat of my own drum,

I bowed to no one,

I accepted no one,

And I cared for no one.

Behind those walls,

Behind the masks,

On the stages,

In my role,

No one could hurt me.

You did this to me,

And now my heart vows vengeance,

An eye for an eye,

And a tooth for a tooth,

I will hurt you,

Just as much as you hurt me.

I swear this now,

On the tears that I unconsciously shed,

Listen to my song Love,

For I am furious.

What Do You See?

Every time you look at me,

I can't help but think to myself,

What do you see,

What can you see?

Do you see a spoiled, pampered princess,

Do you see a proud, strong woman,

Do you see an gullible, easy prey,

Or do you see a lost, helpless child?

I can't read minds,

As much as I wish for it to be possible,

But I'm willing to bet,

That you see anything and everything,

But the last.

I am who I am,

And there's nothing in this world,

That can change that fact,

But what you see in me,

Is what you only want to see.

I am so tired of smiling,

I just want to let go,

To be who I want to be,

But I still hold on to my mask,

For I know that you'll only hurt me in the end.

I'm singing the same old song again,

But this is because,

It is the only song I know,

As there is no one here,

That has taught me a new one.

This melody I sing,

I sing from the very depths of my soul,

Every word that I sing,

Soft as they are,

They are all that I am.

Accept me,

Deny me,

But don't ever try,

To change the person that I am,

To make me something that I'm not.

Reality

Spring to Autumn,
Summer to Winter,
Life to Death,
Warmth to Cold,
Passion to Indifference.

This is what that has become of my life,
Now that I am finally alone,
I am but a shell,
Going through the motions of life,
With the zest of one who is broken.

This is a nightmare over and over again,
For every time I think that I have found a replacement,
You have to come along,
Shattering the illusion that I've placed myself in,
Tearing apart my carefully constructed world.

Reality,
Why must you be so cruel?
Why can't you just allow me to stay as I am?
Why can't you just grant me this small respite,
From the pain that I'm going through as it is?

You are such a cruel friend to have,
But at the same time you're still the best teacher,
To teach me the lessons of life,
To teach me the characters of the world,
To teach me the pain of heartbreak.

One of these days,
I may just decide to repay the favour,
For what you once were,
I am now,
And I will not cease in reminding you of it.

What I am now,
You shall be,
And you shall regret ever making me suffer as such,
For once you remember the pain I'm going through now,
You will regret the purpose of your existence.

My Birthday Celebration

Well, it's been awhile since I updated, but rest assured that this post will not be as emo as the previous ones. In fact, this post will very much be on a lighter note.

My father called me on Friday night out of the blue, asking if I had any plans on Saturday night. When I said that I didn't, he suggested that we go out for dinner as a family to celebrate my 18th birthday. In fact, he drove up all the way to KL along with my siblings in tow just to do so. ^^

Anyway, he called up his brother and family, while I called my aunt (my mother's sister) to arrange for dinner at the South Sea restaurant near the Subang airport. My mother did not come along, but my grandmother did. All in all, it was quite a happy affair, and everyone enjoyed the food, which by the way costs a bomb -- RM1118.40.

We had two different types of crabs, a whole lot of prawns, la la, 3 different types of noodles, vegetables, steamed buns, and a dish named 4 seasons, which is actually four different types of dishes combined into one, and a few other dishes that I can't really remember.

Anyway, my sister and I ended up squabbling over one thing or another, among the few being the amount of Famous Amos cookies I owe her. She actually tried to raise the bar to 1500g even though 1000g was the amount that we agreed on before she brought my things over.

On the night of a birthday celebration, one would commonly end the night with a personalised version of "Happy Birthday" and cake, but mine was different. Because there wasn't any time to get a cake, I didn't have to sit through a round of the Birthday song. XD

Overall, tonight was quite enjoyable, but I wish that she came along instead of clinging on to an old grudge. Oh well, you can't have it all. I got a lot of red packets too, so it makes me feel better. ^^

Fade

Sigh, so much for new beginnings. Sure, I started off fine -- strong and pumped up, full of energy, but I find myself fading more and more into the woodwork as I progress. I'm often tired, and the friends I made are not enough to keep my spirits up, added with insomnia, my former energy level has dwindled to less than half that it was.

When did I become like this? Everything is a cycle once again, I'm no longer the ball of happiness and energy that I was, that went from one place to another without tiring, always leaving the impression of myself being happy go lucky and roaring to go on my next big adventure, with nothing having the ability to tie me down, to come and go as I wish.

So far, I've broken two friendships up on purpose in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, but at the painful cost of severing the bonds myself. It was a gradual process, purposeful misunderstanding, picking fights, being stupidly emotional over the completely wrong things, and finally, throwing a huge tantrum (well, as big as a tantrum as I can allow myself to throw) by being completely irrational towards them.

In the end, I got what I wanted. I managed to severe the bonds that held us together, I stopped myself from having my feelings tied too strongly towards them, but the price that I paid ended up to be more than I expected. It bloody hurt, damn it! I don't regret doing what I did though, because one of them is still an insensitive bastard, and as much as I miss the old times where they would escort me from one place to another, joking around, and just basically having a good time while enjoying each others' company, I guess this Ice Princess facade will continue to be my primary front for a long while. Despite everything, I have to admit that I don't really regret what I did, it was inevitable anyway.

However, I do wish that there was someone to banter and for the lack of a better word, squabble, with me over petty things just for the fun of it. It is one thing that I definitely thirst for, as not only is it amusing, but at the very least I can keep my mind sharp while having a little bit of fun. However, I definitely prefer doing this with a guy as I prefer challenging the opposite sex, something in me simply doesn't allow me to blatantly challenge a girl in that manner, and I think I'm upholding some weird twisted view of chivalry. Meh, doesn't matter. There's always people out there to argue with, and I look forward to meeting someone who enjoys doing it as much as I do. Although I can't help but wonder if what I really need is a boyfriend to bully, but that's a thought for another day.

On another note, Maths is positively killing me. I really don't get why the heck is it alluding me like this, up to the point where I find myself close to tears due to frustration. In fact, once I start wailing about it, my girl friends come running to comfort me, and to help me out, which is very much a good thing. I'm thankful for them too, because at the very least, I've someone to support me, and to hold me up when I'm down. Now that I think of it, it's probably the first time I've been in such a group, though I must say that I quite enjoy the feeling it gives me, and for the first time in a long while I'm not spinning my head off its axis to find the support that I need and can depend on.

Meh, my sleeping schedule is really off though, with me sleeping at odd irregular hours, up to the point where everyone says that I look tired even if I feel fine. My hair has lost its luster, my skin its glow, my spirit its fire, my smile has indefinitely lost its sincerity. Sigh, if I am going to be the kind of person with a limited range of emotions, the least my body could do was to support me by being the best that it can be. Meh, maybe I should go for a nose job, I do hate my nose.

All in all, I'm really tired of the way things are going, and the only reason as to why I'm posting this here is because I'm confident that none of those involved in my present life will ever ever read this. Murphy's Law had better not mess this up for me, or there'll be hell to pay.