Changes

Hello hello, I guess I have been pretty lazy in updating my blog, since my last post was dated almost a year ago. Alright, who am I kidding, it's obvious that I completely gave up on updating it since my last super emo, super depressed and super desperate post. Now that I think of it, I don't even recognize myself in that post at all. In fact, for most of the posts regarding him, I wouldn't even know that I was the one writing the posts if it wasn't for the fact that it was published under my name. Then again, if I were to look at all my previous posts as a whole, I'd say that the person I was before him, with him, and after him, were completely different in so many ways. It's interesting to see how much I have changed with the flow of time, from being an angst filled teenager, to a girl believing herself to be in love for the first time, to what I am now. I'd like to be able to describe exactly what I am now, but I find that being the main actress in this stage of life right now, there's no way I'll be able to objectively describe myself, so I'll leave it to the future me to do so when I've closed yet another chapter in my life.


In this past few months after the breakup, I'd say that I've been quite busy. From my exams, to the Back2Street performance for Latin (Jive) and Salsa (Rueda de Casino), to the photo shoots for Upstairs Closet and then some, to the many mad hours of crazed non-stop dancing (literally almost everyday of the week for at least 17 hours a week), to severely spraining my ankle and tearing my Anterior Talofibular Ligament, to the painfully long recovery process and rehabilitation, to picking myself up and trying to push myself through my previous lifestyle before the sprain again, to meeting an old childhood friend and the others who came with him, to making even more friends from the Malaysian Latin Dance Championships (MLDC) and helping them with their routines and techniques, to the dual trips to Genting Highlands, to working as an assistant teacher in an English centre and dealing with kids from ages 1 to 14, to gaining weight, and then some.


Sounds like I've been through a lot in the last 10 months huh? To be honest, I didn't realize that time would pass by so quickly, and that I would experience so many things in this short span of time. Many things have also changed for me in this span of time, be it mentally, emotionally and physically. I wouldn't say that I regret the changes, because despite everything I went through for those changes, I am still able to see that it was for the better. Despite that, there are some things that I wish I didn't have to let go in the process, but such is life. As Anatole France, a French writer and winner of the 1921 Nobel Prize for Literature, once said:

❝All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.❞

This phrase rings with clarity, and even the most stubborn will have to admit that this phrase rings with truth. It is impossible to change without losing a part of one's self, no matter how much one wishes to keep a tight grasp on the past. Such is the fickleness of Time, where it constantly slips in between one's fingers like the fine grains of sand at the beach, no matter how one tries to grasp at it. Father Time must be laughing at us right now, as we struggle to keep up with his ever flowing, ever moving and ever constant pace. One would think that humans, being masters of our own fates, would be able to at least keep up with Time; but no, life simply has to throw us curve balls and leave obstacles in our paths, slowing us down and causing us to stumble with every step. Despite all that, this only refers to the obstacles in our paths, if one were to take into account the burdens that we carry on our shoulders from expectations and responsibilities, it's a wonder that we're even able to move a single step. But such is the strength of humankind, as weak as we are, we are also strong in the sense that we're able to continue moving forward, even if our progress is slow.


It is because of this, that I guess I can say that I'm proud to be who I am now, because the person that I am now is the product of every step that I've taken in life. This is me, and whether or not you like it, I'm here to stay. So take it or leave it, even if I'm going to struggle, the least I could do for myself is to hold my head up high, and strut my way through it all. So if you want to see what I'll become in the future, take my hand and try to keep up, or I'm going to end up dragging you along every step of the way.


Un beso.

Never Enough

No matter how hard I try,
I'll never be good enough,
I'll never be pretty,
I'll never be beautiful,
I'll never be funny,
Nor will I be attractive,
So why do I even bother trying,
Because we all know that it'll never be enough.

What I'd Give...

What I'd give now,

For you to hold me close,

To hold me tightly against your chest,

As though you never want to let me go.

What I'd give now,

For you to look into my eyes,

Wipe away my tears,

And tell me that you love me.

What I'd give now,

For you to set aside your games,

To think of me once in a while,

And truly appreciate all that I've done for you.

What I want are truly very simple things,

Simple signs of affection,

Signs of love and care,

Signs of attention and devotion.

I don't want much,

But why is it that I can't have what I'm asking for?

Again?

My world is crashing down around me again. Once more, I find myself losing another friend due to something I never knew I did, and also because once again, I allowed my mouth to move before my brain. I apologised again and again, but honestly speaking, I'm too drained to even want to think about this anymore. If you can find it in you to forgive me and give me another chance, then I'll thank you for that. But should you choose to alienate me, then I can only move on, I can only hope that somehow, he will not be caught in this. There will come a time when he will be forced to choose, and when that happens I will leave, because I'd rather not force him to choose at all, and also because I know that I will lose to you.

Enough about that, such a topic makes me feel worse than I already am. Anyway, I really am quite lost now. I realized that I've been living my life for others, up to the extent that I don't know what I want to do anymore. Hell, it's so bad that I don't even know what I want to do in my future, notably my studies, because I've been told over and over again that as the oldest I'm going to have to take over someday. Yadda yadda blah. Well, now I'm lost, I don't know if I can continue doing what I'm doing now, and the best part to this is that I've only a few more days to decide. Great!

Sigh, no point in blaming others for my own fault. If I wasn't so weak and so eager to please, then perhaps I wouldn't allow others to shape my personality and my thoughts. Even as I struggle to do what I want, I still wonder about people's impression of me. Meh, maybe this is what I am now. If that's the case, I might as well work on my faults, God knows I've plenty of them.

Come For Me

The wind brings to me news of the land,

News from the north,

News from the south,

News from the east,

News from the west.

Enveloping me within its chilly arms,

Whispering in my ear tales of hidden times,

Pulling playfully on my hair,

It is my constant companion,

In the void your absence has created.

It is odd that something as uncontrollable,

As unpredictable and as free as the wind,

Would be more of a constant in my life,

As compared to you,

One who was supposed to be here.

No matter,

I don't want to wait anyway,

Why should I do so,

When so many others are waiting for me,

Even as I falter for a glimpse of you.

Sighing once more,

I turn my face to the wind,

Feeling it kiss my dry chapped lips,

But even as I walk away,

I wonder if you'll ever come for me.

Turbulence

"Distance is not for the fearful,

It is for the Bold

It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time,

In exchange for a little Time with the one they Love."

Got this quote from blog-hopping, and I've to admit it's true in so many ways, and as such I'm going to preserve it here. My emotions have been going on a wild tangent these days, where I find myself losing control of myself at times. I find it odd really, that something like this should happen to me, especially when I thought I had controlled myself well enough.

Being the Ice Queen was simple really, I didn't have to give a damn about anyone else besides myself, and I came and go as I wish, caring not for others. However, I find myself at loss for words as to explain my situation now. Sigh, this emotional roller coaster is tiring, I'm so tired of this turbulence in my emotions.

I want to talk to you, I want to hold your attention, I want your eyes on me, I want to fill your mind, and your heart to be mine. It's a little too much to ask for isn't it? But this is what I want, even if I can't always get it. You said that you're afraid of losing me, but honestly speaking, I wonder if you even mean what you said, let alone remember it.

Do you really mean what you say, when you say that you're afraid of losing me? Because I honestly don't see it happening, perhaps I'm too plain and unattractive that you're sure that other guys will not notice me, let alone try to steal me away, hence your complacence.

I don't know what to say to you, I don't know what to talk about with you, despite wanting to hold a conversation, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I envy them you know, how it's so easy for you to find something to talk about, but when it comes to me, it seems to me that you focus more on your games and whatever else that you're doing.

Perhaps I'm not interesting enough for you? Since there doesn't seem to be anything to talk about between us, and you don't even try to accommodate my whims to see you through the webcam, even though it's the most convenient means of doing so. I miss you, day in day out, the only constant in my emotions is that feeling of missing you.

I know we apparently text each other a lot, but it's not the same as seeing you smiling back at me. This feeling, this miserable feeling, is so acute and leaves a hollow ache in me, and I can only wonder if I affect you as much as you affect me.

You never hold my hand like you used to when you drive, your hands are always tightly locked on the steering wheel nowadays. I miss the times when you would reach out for me and hold on to me tightly, sometimes dropping a light kiss on my knuckles, bringing a smile to my face. Even when I place my hand on your thigh when you drive, you don't even hold it anymore. I miss the times when you would do it as soon as you're able, but you don't even do that now.

I long for the days when we first started, I long for the control I once used to have, I long for you to kiss away the tears that are streaming down my cheeks now as I write this, but most of all I long for you to hold me tight and tell me that you don't ever want to lose me.

Here I am, shivering despite the heat, crying as I pen my thoughts here, but I highly doubt that you'll even read this. When will I see you working as hard as I am now to keep this relationship? If I were to suddenly disappear from your life for the next few weeks, will you even notice my absence? Do you even know how much I care for you??!

Screw you, damn you, go to hell! I'm so sad, and yet I'm so angry! I'm angry at myself for being so affected by you, I'm angry at my own helplessness, I'm angry for being so emotionally needy, I'm angry at my own insecurity, I'm angry because I know that somehow no matter what I do, it isn't enough...

There was always a reason as to why I loved the colour of blood, but of course, no one really notices anything, because this is my own dirty little secret. Blood red, the colour of the lifeblood that flows in me, how beautiful it is, especially if it stains the white of the floor, drawing me in even more. It's delicious really, this thrill I get at times, this longing, and it wouldn't be long before I stop resisting this pull. Maybe, just maybe....

Oh, and I also found this article here, quite interesting really:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. A depressed person will experience or display some of the following:

• Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and/or pessimism.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Contemplating suicide of suicide attempt
• Problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Persistent aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment
• Irritability or restlessness
• Insomnia, waking early, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Loss of interest in activities that once were pleasurable (e.g., hobbies, sex, social activities, etc.)

Interesting isn't it? But I wonder if it's really obvious for everyone, and if can be easily diagnosed...

Would You Listen?

Why is it that I find myself crying more and more these days?

Do you even know how much your words hurt me at times,

Even when you don't mean them to?

You may think that I'm being too sensitive,

But I really don't know what else to do.

I'm trying,

I really am,

But you just don't know how much you really affect me.

I'm so tired of crying,

I don't even know why I'm holding on anymore.

I'm under so much stress,

I can't eat,

I can't sleep,

I can only curl up and cry.

I just need you to hold me,

And to tell me that everything will be fine,

Like you used to,

But you don't even do that anymore.

Look at me,

And tell me who do you see,

Because all I see now,

Is a fading picture,

Of who I used to be.

I don't know how long I can hold on anymore,

I need a break,

I need reassurance.

I need someone to be strong for me once in a while,

So that I can take a break from being strong too.

I'm so tired,

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I can't keep this up any longer,

I'm breaking under the pressure,

I'm finally breaking after all these years.

This is truly laughable,

Who would have thought that I would be the first to break,

After all the times I've proven myself too strong to be broken.

I guess,

That in the end it was all a matter of time,

When my strength becomes a weakness,

And drives me into loneliness,

Where I'll finally begin to fall apart.

Please,

Make it stop,

Take my pain away,

Make me forget,

I just want to sleep.

I haven't truly slept in ages you know?

I need my rest too,

Someone please make it happen,

I can't stand this anymore.

Is there anyone out there,

Who'll hear my screams,

Who'll see my tears,

Who'll set me free,

From this cage that I've placed myself in?

But honestly,

Who on earth will do that anyway?

I'm suffering in silence now,

Putting on a mask everyday,

Pretending that everything is as fine as it should be,

Even when I'm not fine.

I'm suffering in silence now,

Because I can't tell anyone.

Who would listen anyway,

They'll never believe me,

Because I'm too strong to fall like.

No one would listen,

No matter how much I try to tell them,

No one would,

So I can only keep my pain to myself,

Even as it consumes me.

Can You See?

Can you see me now,

The state at which I'm in,

Where despair and sadness cloaks me,

Where I can no longer pretend to smile?

I'm so tired,

So tired of putting up a front,

Pretending to be strong,

Even when I'm at my weakest.

I just need you to hold me,

To reassure me,

To tell me that everything is alright,

To make me feel safe.

But I can't tell you all of that,

Because I'm supposed to be strong,

I'm supposed to stand tall,

Even when I feel alone inside.

Listen closely for once,

Hear the emotions in my voice,

Find the hidden meanings in my words,

Look at me beyond my masks and facades.

Please, just this once,

I beg of you,

To see me for who I am,

Instead of who I show myself to be.

I'm not as strong as you think I am,

I cry like any other girls do,

I can feel lonely at times,

I have a heart and emotions too.

Just this once,

Look at me closely,

And tell me what you see,

Because I suspect you see only a lie.

Who Are You?

You're honestly a pathetic mess,

Who the hell are you,

And what have you done to yourself,

To the point that you're so easily hurt?!

Screw all this,

It took years to build up those walls,

With the purpose of protecting yourself,

But it took only days to tear them down.

Look at yourself now,

Look at what you've become,

Look at those wasted tears,

Look at that cracked and wounded heart!

Where are your shields,

Where are your blades,

Where are your masks,

And where are your lines?

Who are you now?

What are you trying to do to yourself?

Stop this nonsense at once,

Before you destroy yourself.

Wake up from your dreams,

See all that is around you,

Take control of yourself once again,

And I'll be here waiting for you.

Promises

Go on,

Make another promise again,

Convince me on how much you mean to keep it,

Because I don't believe that you can.

Empty,

All of them are empty,

You've made countless others,

But none you have kept.

I'm sick and tired of this disappointment,

That only you can bring me,

But even when I know how foolish I am,

I still hold on.

I still hold on to that hope,

That you will one day keep them,

I still hold on,

Because I want to believe.

So tell me,

Will you disappoint me again,

By making yet another empty promise,

Or will you finally man up and fulfill it?

I look forward to the day,

When I finally find my answer,

But a part of me shies back,

Because I'm afraid of what I shall find then.

Tonight

I want to see the stars tonight,

But all I see are clouds,

I want to smile happily tonight,

But I can only frown.

The moon shines alone in the sky,

And I wonder if she feels as lonely,

As desolate,

As I feel right now.

You promised me,

But all you're doing,

Is proving me wrong,

And betraying my trust.

Don't make promises that you can't keep,

Don't give me what you don't have,

Don't raise my hopes up,

Only to dash it down into the ground.

Don't lead me on like this,

To believe,

To hope,

In something that will never happen.

Lies are merely lies,

And there's nothing that you can do,

That will turn them into the truth,

Because you can't.

Don't bring my hopes up anymore,

Because I don't want to be disappointed,

Don't tell me that you love me,

Because it rings hollowly in my ears.

What More Can I Do?

I'm sick and tired of waiting,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

Without letting go of my pride,

And seeming weak in front of you.

I'm sick and tired of hurting,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

When you hurt me with your insensitivity,

Not knowing the effect you have on me.

I'm sick and tired of trying,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

To keep your eyes on me,

To prevent your heart from straying.

I'm sick and tired of crying,

Because that's the only thing I can do,

When there's nothing else I can say,

To make the pain go away.

Will you continue making me wait,

Or will you leave me here to pine for you?

Will you come back to me,

Or should I take my leave first?

Waiting is difficult,

Hurting is painful,

Trying is despairing,

And crying is pitiful.

But that is all that I can do,

Until you come back to me.

Daze

Don't ever ignore me,

Because that will hurt me,

More than being angry at me ever will.

Don't lie to me,

Because that will hurt me,

More than telling me the truth ever will.

Don't betray me,

Because that will break me,

And make me cry.

A simple verse,

Another tear,

A silent sob.

I wonder if you know,

What goes on in my mind,

If you even cared to wonder.

Give it a rest,

You're hurting me,

Whether or not you know it.

Stop doing this to me,

Leave me alone,

For I can stand no more.

I write this in a stupor,

Take this as you wish,

Because I will not explain myself.

Let Me Sleep Tonight

What is this?

You have got to be kidding me,

I made a list for a reason,

To act as chains of reason,

In case my heart decides to rebel against me.

But this is honestly pitiable,

Imagine me,

The Ice Queen,

Falling prey for such a trap,

Just what was I thinking?

Laugh all you want,

Because I really am laughable now,

So deeply tangled up in this web,

So badly lost in this maze,

That I wonder if I'll ever find my way again.

I am so tired,

I really am,

So why am I still holding on,

To the possibilities in you,

To the possibilities of the future?

Perhaps he was right,

Perhaps I'm the one putting too much effort,

Into something that may not even be true,

Something that may end up being just a distraction,

From his bored little world.

I am angry,

But at the same time,

Despair clouds my mind,

Overpowering even the force of my anger,

Leaving me in a state more desolate than before.

I am tired,

And I shall retire for the night,

But one has to wonder,

If my sleep tonight will be pleasant,

Or will tear tracks be prominent upon my cheeks.

Beautiful dreamer in the velvet skies,

Take me in your arms and sing to me,

Your lullaby of a perfect world,

Where nothing will go wrong,

Where nothing can go wrong.

Not Again

I know not why,

But I find myself out of breath,

My heart achingly hollow,

And my despair once again overflowing.

Aren't I supposed to be happy,

To smile with the brightness,

Of a thousand suns?

Then why do I feel so heavy?

I don't understand what's going on,

I can't understand this,

Someone make me understand,

Please, I beg of you.

This can't be happening again,

I'm supposed to be long past this,

So why do my eyes burn,

With unshed tears?

This is frightening,

What is going on now?

Why is this happening again?

Can't you please answer me?!

Answer me damn it,

You know the answer to my questions,

So please,

Please answer me,

Lest I breakdown once again.

Heartache

You say that you're fine with me,

Just the way I am,

But why do I see you,

Trying to change me,

To fit into your superficial mold?

I never thought that I'd be hurt,

Not like this,

Physical pain I can bear,

Mental pain I scoff at,

But heartache....

Heartache,

Was never what I expected,

I never knew,

I never thought,

And I've never felt this terrible.

It hurts,

It really does hurt,

But I feel numb,

A dull roar sounds in my ears,

A choked sob escapes my lips.

I am who I am,

I don't wear skirts or dresses,

I detest makeup,

I love my jeans,

And I dress for myself.

I thought that you were fine with that,

That you liked me as I was,

So pray tell,

Love,

Why do you do this to me?

Things were so much easier,

When there were no strings attached,

When my walls were up,

When the stage was set,

When I played my role.

I was a lone wolf,

I walked to the beat of my own drum,

I bowed to no one,

I accepted no one,

And I cared for no one.

Behind those walls,

Behind the masks,

On the stages,

In my role,

No one could hurt me.

You did this to me,

And now my heart vows vengeance,

An eye for an eye,

And a tooth for a tooth,

I will hurt you,

Just as much as you hurt me.

I swear this now,

On the tears that I unconsciously shed,

Listen to my song Love,

For I am furious.

What Do You See?

Every time you look at me,

I can't help but think to myself,

What do you see,

What can you see?

Do you see a spoiled, pampered princess,

Do you see a proud, strong woman,

Do you see an gullible, easy prey,

Or do you see a lost, helpless child?

I can't read minds,

As much as I wish for it to be possible,

But I'm willing to bet,

That you see anything and everything,

But the last.

I am who I am,

And there's nothing in this world,

That can change that fact,

But what you see in me,

Is what you only want to see.

I am so tired of smiling,

I just want to let go,

To be who I want to be,

But I still hold on to my mask,

For I know that you'll only hurt me in the end.

I'm singing the same old song again,

But this is because,

It is the only song I know,

As there is no one here,

That has taught me a new one.

This melody I sing,

I sing from the very depths of my soul,

Every word that I sing,

Soft as they are,

They are all that I am.

Accept me,

Deny me,

But don't ever try,

To change the person that I am,

To make me something that I'm not.

Reality

Spring to Autumn,
Summer to Winter,
Life to Death,
Warmth to Cold,
Passion to Indifference.

This is what that has become of my life,
Now that I am finally alone,
I am but a shell,
Going through the motions of life,
With the zest of one who is broken.

This is a nightmare over and over again,
For every time I think that I have found a replacement,
You have to come along,
Shattering the illusion that I've placed myself in,
Tearing apart my carefully constructed world.

Reality,
Why must you be so cruel?
Why can't you just allow me to stay as I am?
Why can't you just grant me this small respite,
From the pain that I'm going through as it is?

You are such a cruel friend to have,
But at the same time you're still the best teacher,
To teach me the lessons of life,
To teach me the characters of the world,
To teach me the pain of heartbreak.

One of these days,
I may just decide to repay the favour,
For what you once were,
I am now,
And I will not cease in reminding you of it.

What I am now,
You shall be,
And you shall regret ever making me suffer as such,
For once you remember the pain I'm going through now,
You will regret the purpose of your existence.

My Birthday Celebration

Well, it's been awhile since I updated, but rest assured that this post will not be as emo as the previous ones. In fact, this post will very much be on a lighter note.

My father called me on Friday night out of the blue, asking if I had any plans on Saturday night. When I said that I didn't, he suggested that we go out for dinner as a family to celebrate my 18th birthday. In fact, he drove up all the way to KL along with my siblings in tow just to do so. ^^

Anyway, he called up his brother and family, while I called my aunt (my mother's sister) to arrange for dinner at the South Sea restaurant near the Subang airport. My mother did not come along, but my grandmother did. All in all, it was quite a happy affair, and everyone enjoyed the food, which by the way costs a bomb -- RM1118.40.

We had two different types of crabs, a whole lot of prawns, la la, 3 different types of noodles, vegetables, steamed buns, and a dish named 4 seasons, which is actually four different types of dishes combined into one, and a few other dishes that I can't really remember.

Anyway, my sister and I ended up squabbling over one thing or another, among the few being the amount of Famous Amos cookies I owe her. She actually tried to raise the bar to 1500g even though 1000g was the amount that we agreed on before she brought my things over.

On the night of a birthday celebration, one would commonly end the night with a personalised version of "Happy Birthday" and cake, but mine was different. Because there wasn't any time to get a cake, I didn't have to sit through a round of the Birthday song. XD

Overall, tonight was quite enjoyable, but I wish that she came along instead of clinging on to an old grudge. Oh well, you can't have it all. I got a lot of red packets too, so it makes me feel better. ^^

Fade

Sigh, so much for new beginnings. Sure, I started off fine -- strong and pumped up, full of energy, but I find myself fading more and more into the woodwork as I progress. I'm often tired, and the friends I made are not enough to keep my spirits up, added with insomnia, my former energy level has dwindled to less than half that it was.

When did I become like this? Everything is a cycle once again, I'm no longer the ball of happiness and energy that I was, that went from one place to another without tiring, always leaving the impression of myself being happy go lucky and roaring to go on my next big adventure, with nothing having the ability to tie me down, to come and go as I wish.

So far, I've broken two friendships up on purpose in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, but at the painful cost of severing the bonds myself. It was a gradual process, purposeful misunderstanding, picking fights, being stupidly emotional over the completely wrong things, and finally, throwing a huge tantrum (well, as big as a tantrum as I can allow myself to throw) by being completely irrational towards them.

In the end, I got what I wanted. I managed to severe the bonds that held us together, I stopped myself from having my feelings tied too strongly towards them, but the price that I paid ended up to be more than I expected. It bloody hurt, damn it! I don't regret doing what I did though, because one of them is still an insensitive bastard, and as much as I miss the old times where they would escort me from one place to another, joking around, and just basically having a good time while enjoying each others' company, I guess this Ice Princess facade will continue to be my primary front for a long while. Despite everything, I have to admit that I don't really regret what I did, it was inevitable anyway.

However, I do wish that there was someone to banter and for the lack of a better word, squabble, with me over petty things just for the fun of it. It is one thing that I definitely thirst for, as not only is it amusing, but at the very least I can keep my mind sharp while having a little bit of fun. However, I definitely prefer doing this with a guy as I prefer challenging the opposite sex, something in me simply doesn't allow me to blatantly challenge a girl in that manner, and I think I'm upholding some weird twisted view of chivalry. Meh, doesn't matter. There's always people out there to argue with, and I look forward to meeting someone who enjoys doing it as much as I do. Although I can't help but wonder if what I really need is a boyfriend to bully, but that's a thought for another day.

On another note, Maths is positively killing me. I really don't get why the heck is it alluding me like this, up to the point where I find myself close to tears due to frustration. In fact, once I start wailing about it, my girl friends come running to comfort me, and to help me out, which is very much a good thing. I'm thankful for them too, because at the very least, I've someone to support me, and to hold me up when I'm down. Now that I think of it, it's probably the first time I've been in such a group, though I must say that I quite enjoy the feeling it gives me, and for the first time in a long while I'm not spinning my head off its axis to find the support that I need and can depend on.

Meh, my sleeping schedule is really off though, with me sleeping at odd irregular hours, up to the point where everyone says that I look tired even if I feel fine. My hair has lost its luster, my skin its glow, my spirit its fire, my smile has indefinitely lost its sincerity. Sigh, if I am going to be the kind of person with a limited range of emotions, the least my body could do was to support me by being the best that it can be. Meh, maybe I should go for a nose job, I do hate my nose.

All in all, I'm really tired of the way things are going, and the only reason as to why I'm posting this here is because I'm confident that none of those involved in my present life will ever ever read this. Murphy's Law had better not mess this up for me, or there'll be hell to pay.