Changes

Hello hello, I guess I have been pretty lazy in updating my blog, since my last post was dated almost a year ago. Alright, who am I kidding, it's obvious that I completely gave up on updating it since my last super emo, super depressed and super desperate post. Now that I think of it, I don't even recognize myself in that post at all. In fact, for most of the posts regarding him, I wouldn't even know that I was the one writing the posts if it wasn't for the fact that it was published under my name. Then again, if I were to look at all my previous posts as a whole, I'd say that the person I was before him, with him, and after him, were completely different in so many ways. It's interesting to see how much I have changed with the flow of time, from being an angst filled teenager, to a girl believing herself to be in love for the first time, to what I am now. I'd like to be able to describe exactly what I am now, but I find that being the main actress in this stage of life right now, there's no way I'll be able to objectively describe myself, so I'll leave it to the future me to do so when I've closed yet another chapter in my life.


In this past few months after the breakup, I'd say that I've been quite busy. From my exams, to the Back2Street performance for Latin (Jive) and Salsa (Rueda de Casino), to the photo shoots for Upstairs Closet and then some, to the many mad hours of crazed non-stop dancing (literally almost everyday of the week for at least 17 hours a week), to severely spraining my ankle and tearing my Anterior Talofibular Ligament, to the painfully long recovery process and rehabilitation, to picking myself up and trying to push myself through my previous lifestyle before the sprain again, to meeting an old childhood friend and the others who came with him, to making even more friends from the Malaysian Latin Dance Championships (MLDC) and helping them with their routines and techniques, to the dual trips to Genting Highlands, to working as an assistant teacher in an English centre and dealing with kids from ages 1 to 14, to gaining weight, and then some.


Sounds like I've been through a lot in the last 10 months huh? To be honest, I didn't realize that time would pass by so quickly, and that I would experience so many things in this short span of time. Many things have also changed for me in this span of time, be it mentally, emotionally and physically. I wouldn't say that I regret the changes, because despite everything I went through for those changes, I am still able to see that it was for the better. Despite that, there are some things that I wish I didn't have to let go in the process, but such is life. As Anatole France, a French writer and winner of the 1921 Nobel Prize for Literature, once said:

❝All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.❞

This phrase rings with clarity, and even the most stubborn will have to admit that this phrase rings with truth. It is impossible to change without losing a part of one's self, no matter how much one wishes to keep a tight grasp on the past. Such is the fickleness of Time, where it constantly slips in between one's fingers like the fine grains of sand at the beach, no matter how one tries to grasp at it. Father Time must be laughing at us right now, as we struggle to keep up with his ever flowing, ever moving and ever constant pace. One would think that humans, being masters of our own fates, would be able to at least keep up with Time; but no, life simply has to throw us curve balls and leave obstacles in our paths, slowing us down and causing us to stumble with every step. Despite all that, this only refers to the obstacles in our paths, if one were to take into account the burdens that we carry on our shoulders from expectations and responsibilities, it's a wonder that we're even able to move a single step. But such is the strength of humankind, as weak as we are, we are also strong in the sense that we're able to continue moving forward, even if our progress is slow.


It is because of this, that I guess I can say that I'm proud to be who I am now, because the person that I am now is the product of every step that I've taken in life. This is me, and whether or not you like it, I'm here to stay. So take it or leave it, even if I'm going to struggle, the least I could do for myself is to hold my head up high, and strut my way through it all. So if you want to see what I'll become in the future, take my hand and try to keep up, or I'm going to end up dragging you along every step of the way.


Un beso.

Never Enough

No matter how hard I try,
I'll never be good enough,
I'll never be pretty,
I'll never be beautiful,
I'll never be funny,
Nor will I be attractive,
So why do I even bother trying,
Because we all know that it'll never be enough.

What I'd Give...

What I'd give now,

For you to hold me close,

To hold me tightly against your chest,

As though you never want to let me go.

What I'd give now,

For you to look into my eyes,

Wipe away my tears,

And tell me that you love me.

What I'd give now,

For you to set aside your games,

To think of me once in a while,

And truly appreciate all that I've done for you.

What I want are truly very simple things,

Simple signs of affection,

Signs of love and care,

Signs of attention and devotion.

I don't want much,

But why is it that I can't have what I'm asking for?

Again?

My world is crashing down around me again. Once more, I find myself losing another friend due to something I never knew I did, and also because once again, I allowed my mouth to move before my brain. I apologised again and again, but honestly speaking, I'm too drained to even want to think about this anymore. If you can find it in you to forgive me and give me another chance, then I'll thank you for that. But should you choose to alienate me, then I can only move on, I can only hope that somehow, he will not be caught in this. There will come a time when he will be forced to choose, and when that happens I will leave, because I'd rather not force him to choose at all, and also because I know that I will lose to you.

Enough about that, such a topic makes me feel worse than I already am. Anyway, I really am quite lost now. I realized that I've been living my life for others, up to the extent that I don't know what I want to do anymore. Hell, it's so bad that I don't even know what I want to do in my future, notably my studies, because I've been told over and over again that as the oldest I'm going to have to take over someday. Yadda yadda blah. Well, now I'm lost, I don't know if I can continue doing what I'm doing now, and the best part to this is that I've only a few more days to decide. Great!

Sigh, no point in blaming others for my own fault. If I wasn't so weak and so eager to please, then perhaps I wouldn't allow others to shape my personality and my thoughts. Even as I struggle to do what I want, I still wonder about people's impression of me. Meh, maybe this is what I am now. If that's the case, I might as well work on my faults, God knows I've plenty of them.

Come For Me

The wind brings to me news of the land,

News from the north,

News from the south,

News from the east,

News from the west.

Enveloping me within its chilly arms,

Whispering in my ear tales of hidden times,

Pulling playfully on my hair,

It is my constant companion,

In the void your absence has created.

It is odd that something as uncontrollable,

As unpredictable and as free as the wind,

Would be more of a constant in my life,

As compared to you,

One who was supposed to be here.

No matter,

I don't want to wait anyway,

Why should I do so,

When so many others are waiting for me,

Even as I falter for a glimpse of you.

Sighing once more,

I turn my face to the wind,

Feeling it kiss my dry chapped lips,

But even as I walk away,

I wonder if you'll ever come for me.

Turbulence

"Distance is not for the fearful,

It is for the Bold

It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time,

In exchange for a little Time with the one they Love."

Got this quote from blog-hopping, and I've to admit it's true in so many ways, and as such I'm going to preserve it here. My emotions have been going on a wild tangent these days, where I find myself losing control of myself at times. I find it odd really, that something like this should happen to me, especially when I thought I had controlled myself well enough.

Being the Ice Queen was simple really, I didn't have to give a damn about anyone else besides myself, and I came and go as I wish, caring not for others. However, I find myself at loss for words as to explain my situation now. Sigh, this emotional roller coaster is tiring, I'm so tired of this turbulence in my emotions.

I want to talk to you, I want to hold your attention, I want your eyes on me, I want to fill your mind, and your heart to be mine. It's a little too much to ask for isn't it? But this is what I want, even if I can't always get it. You said that you're afraid of losing me, but honestly speaking, I wonder if you even mean what you said, let alone remember it.

Do you really mean what you say, when you say that you're afraid of losing me? Because I honestly don't see it happening, perhaps I'm too plain and unattractive that you're sure that other guys will not notice me, let alone try to steal me away, hence your complacence.

I don't know what to say to you, I don't know what to talk about with you, despite wanting to hold a conversation, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I envy them you know, how it's so easy for you to find something to talk about, but when it comes to me, it seems to me that you focus more on your games and whatever else that you're doing.

Perhaps I'm not interesting enough for you? Since there doesn't seem to be anything to talk about between us, and you don't even try to accommodate my whims to see you through the webcam, even though it's the most convenient means of doing so. I miss you, day in day out, the only constant in my emotions is that feeling of missing you.

I know we apparently text each other a lot, but it's not the same as seeing you smiling back at me. This feeling, this miserable feeling, is so acute and leaves a hollow ache in me, and I can only wonder if I affect you as much as you affect me.

You never hold my hand like you used to when you drive, your hands are always tightly locked on the steering wheel nowadays. I miss the times when you would reach out for me and hold on to me tightly, sometimes dropping a light kiss on my knuckles, bringing a smile to my face. Even when I place my hand on your thigh when you drive, you don't even hold it anymore. I miss the times when you would do it as soon as you're able, but you don't even do that now.

I long for the days when we first started, I long for the control I once used to have, I long for you to kiss away the tears that are streaming down my cheeks now as I write this, but most of all I long for you to hold me tight and tell me that you don't ever want to lose me.

Here I am, shivering despite the heat, crying as I pen my thoughts here, but I highly doubt that you'll even read this. When will I see you working as hard as I am now to keep this relationship? If I were to suddenly disappear from your life for the next few weeks, will you even notice my absence? Do you even know how much I care for you??!

Screw you, damn you, go to hell! I'm so sad, and yet I'm so angry! I'm angry at myself for being so affected by you, I'm angry at my own helplessness, I'm angry for being so emotionally needy, I'm angry at my own insecurity, I'm angry because I know that somehow no matter what I do, it isn't enough...

There was always a reason as to why I loved the colour of blood, but of course, no one really notices anything, because this is my own dirty little secret. Blood red, the colour of the lifeblood that flows in me, how beautiful it is, especially if it stains the white of the floor, drawing me in even more. It's delicious really, this thrill I get at times, this longing, and it wouldn't be long before I stop resisting this pull. Maybe, just maybe....

Oh, and I also found this article here, quite interesting really:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. A depressed person will experience or display some of the following:

• Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and/or pessimism.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Contemplating suicide of suicide attempt
• Problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Fatigue and loss of energy
• Persistent aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment
• Irritability or restlessness
• Insomnia, waking early, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Loss of interest in activities that once were pleasurable (e.g., hobbies, sex, social activities, etc.)

Interesting isn't it? But I wonder if it's really obvious for everyone, and if can be easily diagnosed...

Would You Listen?

Why is it that I find myself crying more and more these days?

Do you even know how much your words hurt me at times,

Even when you don't mean them to?

You may think that I'm being too sensitive,

But I really don't know what else to do.

I'm trying,

I really am,

But you just don't know how much you really affect me.

I'm so tired of crying,

I don't even know why I'm holding on anymore.

I'm under so much stress,

I can't eat,

I can't sleep,

I can only curl up and cry.

I just need you to hold me,

And to tell me that everything will be fine,

Like you used to,

But you don't even do that anymore.

Look at me,

And tell me who do you see,

Because all I see now,

Is a fading picture,

Of who I used to be.

I don't know how long I can hold on anymore,

I need a break,

I need reassurance.

I need someone to be strong for me once in a while,

So that I can take a break from being strong too.

I'm so tired,

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I can't keep this up any longer,

I'm breaking under the pressure,

I'm finally breaking after all these years.

This is truly laughable,

Who would have thought that I would be the first to break,

After all the times I've proven myself too strong to be broken.

I guess,

That in the end it was all a matter of time,

When my strength becomes a weakness,

And drives me into loneliness,

Where I'll finally begin to fall apart.

Please,

Make it stop,

Take my pain away,

Make me forget,

I just want to sleep.

I haven't truly slept in ages you know?

I need my rest too,

Someone please make it happen,

I can't stand this anymore.

Is there anyone out there,

Who'll hear my screams,

Who'll see my tears,

Who'll set me free,

From this cage that I've placed myself in?

But honestly,

Who on earth will do that anyway?

I'm suffering in silence now,

Putting on a mask everyday,

Pretending that everything is as fine as it should be,

Even when I'm not fine.

I'm suffering in silence now,

Because I can't tell anyone.

Who would listen anyway,

They'll never believe me,

Because I'm too strong to fall like.

No one would listen,

No matter how much I try to tell them,

No one would,

So I can only keep my pain to myself,

Even as it consumes me.